Do most married couples really pool all money, or keep some separate?

[Namewitheldagain]

Not really an AIBU but interested in what people have to say. I’ve noticed on mumsnet and particularly in a recent thread in which the op lent her dh a significant chunk of money and people were aghast she was expecting him to pay it back, that the consensus seems to be everyone shares all money in a marital pot. Is everyone really doing this?

I am on my second marriage to be fair and my husband is not my children’s father, with no plans to have children of our own. If relevant, he has none of his own. Maybe it’s different because my financial decisions are made with my children’s protection in mind should anything happen to me. My husband is aware and in agreement.

We bought our house each with the same deposit and we have a joint account into which we each pay half of the cost of the mortgage and household bills, subscriptions etc and an extra 400 a month each which is just extra and saved for things like holidays or new furniture / house stuff.

independently of that, we each have our own savings, current account and discretionary spending. I have more in savings and discretionary spending because I earn more. Sure if we want an extra holiday I cover it and I pay for the cleaner because I earn more and I can justify the cost but other than that money is separate and bills split.

We own our house as joint tenants each owning 50% meaning my half is bequeathed to my kids although he will have the right to live in it indefinitely. a life insurance policy would pay off the mortgage. I have c250k in death in service benefit that would be 1/3 his (I have two kids each getting a third) if I died and he’s welcome to what savings I have (not loads but a chunk).

we can’t be the only couple like this can we? We are both very happy with the arrangement. Even when I was married to my kids’ dad this was our arrangement. Although I was the lower earner then, I was happy with it. Am I just wholly unromantic?

iabu: all couples share everything and you’re the odd one out

ianbu: it’s normal to keep your own money in a marriage

Might want to add clear options for the aibu poll

We have separate bank accounts and don’t have a joint account

We have a joint account for household bills, a saving one for holidays etc and our own.

We have separate bank accounts, and like you I’m leaving everything to the kids. DH has a big pension so he doesn’t need my money.

I thought it was clear based on what OP has said. YABU is you shouldn’t have separate accounts and yanbu separate accounts is the way to do it

Our salaries get paid into our own accounts, then we both put a set amount into a joint account for bills.

Been together 32 years.

Have always pooled our money 100%.

I worked pt when the kids were little whilst he put the graft in career wise. He earned more but I was looking after our h9me and children, we have always supported each other and don't take the piss.

I'm now ft still earn less but we still pool everything.

I cannot imagine building a life, home, memories and having children together to then split finances.

It's not about romance for me, it's about practicality. One pot just makes it easy. Fortunately husband and I have a very similar approach to finances. That was very important to me when I was dating.

I'm in exactly your position (except my second husband has two kids, as do I) and we manage our finances in exactly the same way you do.

I pooled finances at the start of my first marriage 25 years ago, and never again... I remember asking permission to buy things for myself! I soon got my own bank account and I've raised my daughter to always be financially independent

We are not married as all of the assets are mine. We pool money insofar as I pay all of the bills and for most of the fun stuff. Child related is 50:50 (11 year old). I do earn 14x what he chooses to earn. It works well so I say each to his own.

We have a joint account and are financially “as one”
I guess but it’s our first marriage and a joint DS. Things would be different if there were children on one side or one came into the marriage with a property maybe. We’ve built everything up together so it’s not an issue and it would have to be divided equally if we split.

Well your situation is clearly different in that you are on a second marriage, have children to protect and came into your marriage with a property.

That is entirely different from a couple like DH and I who have been together for a long time, have children together and not with anyone else, came from similar backgrounds, have one property we bought together.

You are comparing apples with oranges.

We have a bank account each.
My DH pays for all bills, holidays, most food shopping etc.
We have a camper van that he will tell me if a repair etc needs to be split 50/50.
We tend to go 60/40 on a new (second hand) car. We have one each, but own them equally.
We don’t question each other’s spending. He’s very laid back and generous and doesn’t have expensive hobbies. This works well for us.

Everything is pooled between us. It has been ever since we got married well over 30 years ago.

I wonder if it is a second marriage thing. I remember starting again on my own and struggling financially at first and knowing I never wanted to be in that position again.

i pay for my kids things jointly with their dad and my husband is not expected to stump up for them.

How do people pool all their money? You have to have separate ISAs, pensions, stock accounts etc, file separate tax returns if applicable etc.

I can only assume people saying this don’t understand the realities of their financial situation, or have no money beyond instant-access bank accounts.

We have separate accounts that our wages are paid into, we each pay money into the joint account (proportional to how much we earn) for the mortgage/bills. We each have our own savings accounts that we pay into and then the money left in our own accounts is ours to do what we please with. It works for us.

I guess married people are entitled to separate finances, but I just could never comprehend lending my husband 3 grand or something, and then creating a spreadsheet to log all the monthly repayments from him. This behaviour is alien to us. It's all OUR money. (All the income that enters the household...)

It's odd, divisive, cold behaviour IMO, and I would think if I saw any couple doing this, that they do not have much of a marriage. Stuff like 'I bought some shopping at Aldi today for £12.50, I'm gonna text Steve to tell him he needs to pay £6.25 into my bank account' is utterly bizarre... I know several couples who are like this, and they are married. It's so odd.

It's just icky. Doesn't scream 'close loving relationship' and 'happy marriage' to me.

JMO.

Yes I see what you’re saying but it’s how we did it in my first marriage too.

Well yes, where its beneficial to have individual accounts, we pay equally into them.

Dh and I have never had joint account. Together 22 years and married 19 with dc. Can’t see it ever happening.

Have you ever been in the position to lend your husband £3K, and has he ever been in the position where he needed it from you?

Totally see what you mean and we don’t go to that level of petty but in another post the op lent 30k to her husband. If I lent my husband 30k i would expect it paid back.

that said, and this scenario might happen to us soon as we are looking to move, in the case of (for example) 30k being spent on a joint purchase like our new house, I wouldn’t want that back. I would be happy to throw in the extra deposit and still own 50-50. For what it’s worth 30k is a good chunk of a deposit where I live.

Again, exactly the same here. And my husband pays for his kids with their mum. Possibly a second marriage thing, yes. For me, after being independent whilst single, and losing out on my ex husband's pension pot in the divorce (we both contributed) and having to start my pension from scratch later in life, I vowed never to lose that independence. I'm not planning to separate! But I could if I wanted to, financially. Maybe that's what a previous divorce does!

We consider all accounts joint, even individual accounts, and arrangethen as makes sense. I'm a higher rate tax payer, so we factor that into whose name savings are in as well as what gets paid into pensions.