Do most married couples really pool all money, or keep some separate?

[Namewitheldagain]

Not really an AIBU but interested in what people have to say. I’ve noticed on mumsnet and particularly in a recent thread in which the op lent her dh a significant chunk of money and people were aghast she was expecting him to pay it back, that the consensus seems to be everyone shares all money in a marital pot. Is everyone really doing this?

I am on my second marriage to be fair and my husband is not my children’s father, with no plans to have children of our own. If relevant, he has none of his own. Maybe it’s different because my financial decisions are made with my children’s protection in mind should anything happen to me. My husband is aware and in agreement.

We bought our house each with the same deposit and we have a joint account into which we each pay half of the cost of the mortgage and household bills, subscriptions etc and an extra 400 a month each which is just extra and saved for things like holidays or new furniture / house stuff.

independently of that, we each have our own savings, current account and discretionary spending. I have more in savings and discretionary spending because I earn more. Sure if we want an extra holiday I cover it and I pay for the cleaner because I earn more and I can justify the cost but other than that money is separate and bills split.

We own our house as joint tenants each owning 50% meaning my half is bequeathed to my kids although he will have the right to live in it indefinitely. a life insurance policy would pay off the mortgage. I have c250k in death in service benefit that would be 1/3 his (I have two kids each getting a third) if I died and he’s welcome to what savings I have (not loads but a chunk).

we can’t be the only couple like this can we? We are both very happy with the arrangement. Even when I was married to my kids’ dad this was our arrangement. Although I was the lower earner then, I was happy with it. Am I just wholly unromantic?

iabu: all couples share everything and you’re the odd one out

ianbu: it’s normal to keep your own money in a marriage

I have never lived with anyone. If I ever did i think I'd like a joint account for spending and separate accounts too. Not having any children and individual assets would probably make this set up best hypothetically

Joint account for all bills, inc food and fun, with an added surplus each month to cover annual expenses such as car maintenance or days out. Rarely need to top this up, but if we do, extras are split 50:50.

The joint account is topped up proportionately in accordance with our take home incomes, which is around 60:40 (weighted more to me as I earn more).

Anything else from our salary which isn’t paid to the joint account is ours. I can spend on handbags and gaming consoles, he can spend his on beer and random stuff from Amazon. No need to check with the other.

We also save separately, but we would use those savings for the other/joint expenses without question.

It’s more of a psychological thing to keep separate accounts. Plus my DH really doesn’t care, I look after our ‘joint’ finances and have all the log-ins while he knows diddly squat. I can even log into his online banking- not that I will. He does the majority of the cleaning though before anyone wants to moan that I take on the mental load!

My parents pooled everything (except their ISAs, which can't be held jointly) and I grew up with that. I knew no different and it seemed to work for them, with my mother taking general charge of the household finances because my Dad didn't like dealing with it.

DH's parents never pooled theirs and always kept their individual accounts. No joint account. It was a revelation to me as I had very naively assumed that my own parents' way of doing things was the only way (sheltered child that I had been), but it seemed to work for them and they would never have done it any other way.

DH and I began by having our own individual accounts and transferring some each to a joint account every month. We found it a faff to be honest and preferred to maintain our own accounts. The only joint account we did maintain long term was for a very small property rental business we ran. Rents were paid into that account and all associated expenses paid from it. That system worked for us.

DH died earlier this year so all accounts are now individual accounts in my name only.

Joint accounts don't work for everyone and we all have different preferences. Some people would prefer to protect their own independence and see an individual account as the best way to do that, particularly those who have been financially abused in the past. A joint account can become a tool for a financial abuser.

I think you’re right. People will say I’m unromantic or cold or whatever but having left an unhappy marriage which was making me miserable and struggling, I value knowing I could walk away from my husband if I needed to and still take care of myself and the children. That doesn’t mean I want to and I am wonderfully happily married. Some would call it cold but I call it sensible.

My parents had a joint account. Never occurred to me not to do the same. Married over 30 years and have a joint savings account too. Separate ISAs but put the same amount in each. I always earned more than him but it's all our money. Neither of us is a spend thrift and we always agree on larger purchases.

As far as I know, everyone in my family has a joint account with their spouse for things like bills and household expenses, and separate accounts of their own for anything else. I'd do the same.

We've never had a joint account. We're mid 30s in case relevant. I pay some bills and he pays others.

Yes I wonder if age is a factor. We are late 30s

We have a joint account for bills, food etc we each pay into. Then our own individual accounts. We also have separate savings accounts.

We have separate accounts but all the money in them is joint. If that makes sense.

Married 20+ years money 100% pooled. We are outliers among our friends who most operate with one joint and 2 separate accounts.

I am the bigger earner by about 20k and we are both decent earners but I have no idea what we do about savings, mortgage applications, loan applications.

I have never more than signed my name at the bottom of an application form. We have paid fully for our kids at uni, organised a couple of mortgages and multiple cars so something is working out but it is nothing to do with me. It’s like the elves and the shoemaker. If I have to do it in the future I will but I’m not going to lie, I like it the way it is.

We only have a joint account and a joint savings account. We don’t have our own separate accounts. We have 3 children between us (non together) and are making a will splitting everything 3 ways for the children who are all adults.

We’ve been married 50 years in 2027

We have two joint accounts , manage one each for spending money, all bills paid out of another account again joint.
All savings in joint names!!

We pool it all and always have, but I’ve no idea what most of my friends do, let alone “most couples”. We earn similarly for the first 5 years or so but DH then started to outearn me and I was a SAHM for 10 years.

We don't pool money and I wouldn't be married to someone who expected it. Separate finances work well for us.

First marriage for both of us and we have 3 young DC's.

We have a joint account, a joint savings accounts and then accounts of our own. Everything gets pooled on payday and we take equal amounts of ‘fun money’ out that we can either spend or save as we see fit. Work bonuses, overtime, side jobs don’t typically go into the joint pot, but might be used for something that benefits the whole family (a holiday etc).

We’re 26 years into first and hopefully last marriage. We keep things separate and pay
for different things. I earn more so pay for more and we both wanted to be financially independent at the start and it’s worked out. I suppose importantly, we earn more than enough between us to comfortably afford our lifestyle, so theres never any tension. I think people who proscribe how other people run their marriages, should wind their necks in!!

For those of you who pay food shopping from the joint account how do you know how much to put in? I find when we keep things separate i buy lions share of food shopping etc and im the lower earner which makes it feel unfair

It's totally different when it's a second and marriage and the kids are not his, what you're doing is really sensible, you need to protect your kids. When you're married to the father of your children I think all money should be pooled in one pot, that's what we do. I'm the higher earner but I can't imagine taking more out of the pot because of that, we are one family. Almost everything I buy is for the kids or house but things he wouldn't think to buy so I'd end up spending far more of my income on shared items if we didn't share our incomes. I also wouldn't want this to be the way we lived because it would inevitably start a feeling of who is paying for what, how much of a share should be paid, what's fair, who's paid for what and contributed what amount which I cant be bothered with. There's been times when I wasn't the higher earner, I earnt nothing for a few months of each maternity leave and I'd expect my husband to still support me and give me equal access to the account then so I know it can change at any point, there's also been times when he's been out of work and I've supported him. I also think you're coming from this from a point of being a high earner, when you're living month to month having to get the school uniforms, winter coats, and weekend day trips with the kids out of your income while he spends his disposable income on energy drinks and trainers really starts to grate.

We have separate personal accounts, plus a joint account, it’s all family money but I wouldn’t go and buy a big ticket item without talking it though as we’re a family, likewise I wouldn’t go into debt without discussing it.

If you are joint tenants you can't leave your house to kids, it automatically transfers to the joint tenant at death

DH and I pool all our money, and never owe each other or pay each other back if one of us pays for something. I have one DS from a previous relationship who lives with us ft and his expenses are just part of the household expenses. DH has always earned far more than me and put down the full deposit for our home. We have some separate accounts and some joint, but it's all one pot as our money. We've been married for 14 years and never argue over money,it works for us.

I think I meant tenants in common then. I always mix them up. But the solicitor assures me it’s left to my kids with him entitled to live in it as long as he needs/wants.

We share.

There is no one size fits all. Why do people on this platform feel the need to share their financials in minute detail and ask if its reasonable. Yes YABU and YANBU. Does that help?