Do most married couples really pool all money, or keep some separate?

[Namewitheldagain]

Not really an AIBU but interested in what people have to say. I’ve noticed on mumsnet and particularly in a recent thread in which the op lent her dh a significant chunk of money and people were aghast she was expecting him to pay it back, that the consensus seems to be everyone shares all money in a marital pot. Is everyone really doing this?

I am on my second marriage to be fair and my husband is not my children’s father, with no plans to have children of our own. If relevant, he has none of his own. Maybe it’s different because my financial decisions are made with my children’s protection in mind should anything happen to me. My husband is aware and in agreement.

We bought our house each with the same deposit and we have a joint account into which we each pay half of the cost of the mortgage and household bills, subscriptions etc and an extra 400 a month each which is just extra and saved for things like holidays or new furniture / house stuff.

independently of that, we each have our own savings, current account and discretionary spending. I have more in savings and discretionary spending because I earn more. Sure if we want an extra holiday I cover it and I pay for the cleaner because I earn more and I can justify the cost but other than that money is separate and bills split.

We own our house as joint tenants each owning 50% meaning my half is bequeathed to my kids although he will have the right to live in it indefinitely. a life insurance policy would pay off the mortgage. I have c250k in death in service benefit that would be 1/3 his (I have two kids each getting a third) if I died and he’s welcome to what savings I have (not loads but a chunk).

we can’t be the only couple like this can we? We are both very happy with the arrangement. Even when I was married to my kids’ dad this was our arrangement. Although I was the lower earner then, I was happy with it. Am I just wholly unromantic?

iabu: all couples share everything and you’re the odd one out

ianbu: it’s normal to keep your own money in a marriage

We do exactly this, too. Means we can surprise each other, mostly!

I wonder how often couples where the woman is the higher earner, or an equally high earner, pool their money. When I think about it, the only couples I know who operate out of a joint account are either of my parents generation or have a high earning man/low earning woman set up.

My husband and I have been together since we were 19. Nearly 40 years. We started with nothing and so we see everything we have built together as 'ours'. I think it is different if you get together later and/or have children in another relationship. If something happened to our marriage (death or divorce) and I married again, I would want to protect my assets for my adult children.

I'm the higher earner, DH isn't a low earner either though and we have separate finances.

We have always had our own accounts and transfer a set amount in to a joint account each month to cover bills and food shopping.
We will pay equally for holidays etc
We have always earned fairly similarly so that makes it a bit easier.
Can’t imagine having no money of my own

This. DH has children from previous marriage. I’m childless. We own the house jointly, and have wills setting out that I get my share back if he dies first. We might change that soon to a trust soigettolive there till I die. Both same age.

it works for us. Probably as both fairly high earners…

How can any individual say what 'most' people do?
Anyway. Our main savings and current accounts are in joint names. Things that have to be separate are obviously separate, but once anything makes its way back to the main accounts we have equal access and discuss any major expenditure. We've been together since university, though, and are parents to both our children, so there are no other parties to take into account. I can understand why couples with different setups make other arrangements.

pooling doesn’t work is one is a spender and one a saver

or one smokes or drinks a lot

better to have a joint where both out the same /% of wages in and own accounts

even more important when kids from previous relationship

tho what happens /is in dh will @Namewitheldagain

if you die and house goes to kids but he has life rights means if he lives a long time /old age , your kids may not get their inheritance till they ar much older

We pooled our accounts when I was the higher earner. I‘m not any more, due to caring for our disabled child, but I was for 4 years.
I’m not sure what your point is though? Women are frequently the lower earner due to taking time out from their careers for childbirth/maternity leave etc. Does that mean they should have access to less money than their husband?

There’s obviously not one person that all couples do it.
For us, everything is joint. Largely physically joint as in all income streams go into the joint account, then various savings/investments are paid from that account into different accounts in either name but the intent and thought is the same, it’s all joint. Right now most of the savings are in accounts under my name because I’m the one who’s more financially savvy and I change accounts regularly, not nothing is viewed as “mine”.
We have relic accounts in our own name that we transfer the same amount of spending money into, and individual credit cards.

Second marriage with different kids is an entirely different kettle of fish. Where you both need to protect your children and inheritance etc

First marriage with no precious ‘baggage’ and I can’t imagine not pooling accounts. All our money shared legally anyway as we’re married. Yes we have to have ISAs in our own names but it’s considered joint.

I can’t lend my husband money. Our money belongs to both of us!

A mix. Joint account for most stuff, own pots for savings and our own treats.

Separate money all the way! I would not want to have to justify a weekend away alone or with friends, or spending money on my hobbies. Equally, I would not want the potential for resentment if my spouse was spending a lot more than me. I know people have an ‘equal fun money’ set up, but again I’d rather keep all of mine after splitting shared costs!

The only thing I find odd about OPs set up is that her husband is paying towards her kids by splitting housing and bills costs equally.

If you divorce won’t some of your savings etc be classified as marital assets?

They would, but people want to live in with the ‘your money/ my money’ mentality so regardless of what happens in a divorce they can view their money however they want.

You don't need anyone's permission. If it works for you and you are both happy, that's what matters

We pool all our money. It doesn’t all sit in one joint account but all of it is considered to belong to us both. There wouldn’t be an occasion of me lending him money, it would be a discussion about whether or not we are happy for money to be spent of a certain thing. Obviously we don’t discuss everything, but something of high value we would.

It is my first marriage though. I wouldn’t get married again and wouldn’t pool money with anyone else.

On my first/only marriage (in my 40's, over a decade married with two kids). It makes sense for us to have our money as joint. There is one account which wages go into, and a small sum each month goes into individual accounts for our own spending money (used to be £100pcm each, but currently £75pcm). This worked really well over maternity leave (no worries about how i would pay for anything, but kept within our budget), and it works for us now that my husband is unable to work due to chronic illness.

But that's just it - it works for us, in our circumstances. I know other people who couldn't have this set up (e.g. on a tight budget but one partner spent all the money on alcohol), and i think it is more unusual in a second marriage/late life marriage where there are more pre-marital assets/dependents.

I guess that’s a fair concern. If I were to die I imagine he would choose to downsize and opt to sell up but they might not inherit for some time. I guess that’s the risk I take.

I’ve never had a joint account and don’t want one
we both have separate accounts
He buys what he wants and the same for me

we both have separate savings but we know how much we both have and we both have a similar amount

he has grown up kids so do I
Ive never contributed financially to his kids and him the same for my son ( even though they are very close and think of themselves as son / father .
if I want to give my son money or gifts I don’t have to ask I just do it . I bought my son and his partner a Robo vac last week and it was around £400 . My DH wouldn’t have a clue what I paid for it

we split stuff like white goods, house stuff when we need to get them

I do earn a lot more so I will pay for holidays meals out treats stuff like that but he’s great at DIY practical stuff so will do all the painting decorating house maintenance he also takes care of cooking and cleaning and the dog

when we go on holiday I pay for the holiday and we normally take about 1k as we are AI and he will normally take 600 and I will take 400

we both have our own cars that we lease

married 30 years and it works for us

That’s true. We do split housing and bills mainly equally. I actually pay more for electricity than him as we agreed that’s fair as I drive an ev. Housing costs we do split but I kind of think that’s an asset he has which is rising in value over time. I often wonder about food etc as I feel responsible for additional mouths to feed…

My dh and I pool all our money and then decide together what savings accounts or ISAs would most make sense. We get paid separately, then transfer most of our money into a joint account, then move it to various savings accounts/direct debits etc from there.

I don't understand the relevance. I was the lower earner for years when the kids were young but now am the higher earner. We have always shared all the finances.

Mix and match.
We each have a sole account. And we have a joint account. I was the higher earner, but then we levelled up and now husband earns about 2x what I do. We paid the mortgage and council tax 50:50 and then I pay food and he pays utilities so we are roughly equal. Other things we have always kind of winged it. And that seems to have worked.

I am retiring next year though and we will live 100% of his salary, so it is going to require a change of plan.

I would never put myself in a position of not having my own bank account.

We have a joint account for the bills. Our wages are paid into our personal accounts, and we both pay a lumpsum into the joint account to cover the bills, plus a little more for things like meals out,day trips etc. Whatever we have left over in our accounts we spend on what we want, knowing all the bills are covered.

Our savings are combined and any bonuses that we earn are always shared. I often end up paying for holidays as I earn slightly more and get a bigger bonus. Works well for us.