AIBU to blank another parent who witters on?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I Am Being UNKIND but AIBU (and what can I do about this)?

My DD has started horse riding. She's currently having a lesson once a week with one other kid. I take her and sit to watch. The other kid's mother also stays to watch and she is SO BORING and won't shut up.

I have heard 4 times now about how tedious it is to fill in all the forms for her DS's school sport (we're in the US and school sport here is a bit crazy). Last time she spent 12 minutes (I was clock watching) explaining how she went to bed to late. It involved her telling me about four separate loads of laundry, though it turns out she actually stayed up watching TV. I smile and nod and try to get focus on my DD or read the book I bring each week. Sometimes she gets the hint and goes on her phone, but after a few minutes she'll tut or sigh and start telling me about some admin problem she's trying to solve. I cannot bear it.

She seems like a nice woman, but I just don't can't stand her. AIBU to blank her a bit when she goes does this? What alternative is there that doesn't leave me dreading taking my DD to her lesson?

See? You are kind!

Ignore some of the below, I stopped for a chat and missed your updates.

What’s the seating like? Is there plenty to go around? If so, I’d be inclined to sit at a distance from everyone else and tell her not to get too close because you’re just getting over Norovirus and although it’s been a few hours, you’re not sure if you’re still contagious. Nobody will want to sit near you and hopefully she’ll find some else to witter on to.

Or send DD in at the normal time and you stay outside until you see the woman go inside. Give it five minutes for her to get seated then go inside and sit somewhere else.

I think the earphones would be a good idea if you were prepared to give up your book and watch your DD’s entire lesson. You could tell her it’s an audio book and if you’re watching the lesson, you wouldn’t miss your DD receiving instruction so you’d know when to take them off so you could hear what’s being said.

Or you could tell boring woman that you’d love to chat but you’ve joined an on line book club with friends from the UK and you must get this book finished in time for the zoom call tomorrow morning. Or even just ‘Sorry boring woman, I’ve got to such a good chapter, I really need to concentrate until I hear DD is having her instruction.’ Or just close your eyes before she gets near you but keep an ear out for DD’s name being called.

Find the right moment to say “I’m quite happy just sitting quietly by the way. Don’t feel like you have to keep me entertained!”

Then say something along those lines at every lesson.

Just tell her to shut the fuck up and you aren’t her therapist or her friend!

When this happens to me, I start recording everything (usually kids in a sports game going on) on my phone. If the person still continues, I do the “shh” sign with a smile. Sometimes “oh sorry I promised Sally I’d pay careful attention.”

Whilst tempting, this is what I'm hoping to avoid!

You can buy camping chairs that are more comfortable than hard benches to sit on ( so there's your excuse ).

You don't have to deliberately sit miles away. It's just that if you aren't both sat on the same bench, then she's less likely to fill the silence.

To me, that seems just as rude as blanking. No one’s going to be fooled by the idea it’s just because it’s more comfortable if I’m setting it up away from her.

What do you mean exactly by blanking? (I know it's a bit late in the thread to ask.) Do you mean pretending that you can't see or hear her?

It's a good question. I should have described that in more detail!

What I had in mind was just being engrossed in my book and ignoring her if she started talking. Probably saying hello when she first arrives, goodbye at the end. Maybe the odd distracted comment when I look up to watch my DD. etc.

At the moment I try and read but she talks so I nod and smile and occasionally say something, which means I can't really concentrate on my book. (Except I need to watch DD, when I just focus all my attention on the arena, sometimes with a "Oh DD's up!" comment).

It will be very obvious I'm ignoring her. She'll be right next to me.

You don't have to be "away from her". Just off the bench. If you continue to sit on the same bench, the wittering will continue.

i really don’t see how it would stop her talking to me just because it’s two seats instead of one, unless I set the chair up away from her?

Does other people think that sounds realistic? I’m loathe to buy and lug a camping chair about if this isn’t a well known phenomenon.

Why would this work when you attempting to demonstrate the exact same message by reading has not worked. She'll just keep talking to you as you read.

I mean that you don't have to sit at the farthest possible point away from her. That's a deliberate snub.

Some people get really nervous when there is silence, and need to fill it. You both sitting on the same bench will make this a lot worse.

If you are a few meters away, you aren't snubbing her, but it makes talking that bit more awkward, and will help shut it down.

Yeah, but also Wtf?! that's not anyone else's problem!

Nobody has the right to unilaterally decide someone is their carer! That's rude in itself.

She sounds lonely, and it’s only for one hour. 🙄

I think it is worth trying.

I have a few people that talk to me the way OP describes and often end up fading away and going back to whatever I was doing. They then wander off.

I’m not trying to be rude (and they don’t seem to mind) but they are talking just to talk and hardly notice the audience. I just don’t have space in my head available sometimes.

When it comes down to it all the solutions except, I think, SunnyRedSales', boil down to blanking her. It's just a matter of framing it in a way where she'll be less hurt/snubbed and I don't look like a complete bitch to the trainer! Most of the suggestions here don't sound any less rude, to me, than simply sitting down and blanking her.

This particular phrase, though, doesn't sound mean. It's also not a lie, which adds to ease of use and authenticity. I can say it with a smile and still be warm and friendly in small doses.

So it seems worth a try. It's not as though I'll have lost anything if it doesn't work out.

Then you come over and chat to her.

Telling someone you don't want to talk is much less rude than just blanking someone.

It's also healthier for you to learn to respond in a clear, calm way.

I see what you mean. Not fully convinced I can find a sweet spot that will do that, but it's worth a shot if the polite phrases I'm going to try do nothing, so thank you!

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In this day and age where everyone is staring at their phones, all this interpersonal effort and messiness is actually so precious. Even if it's uncomfortable.

This woman has come into your life, and you will feel bad if you're really harsh to her. That's probably why you've come on here to ask about it.

Have you heard of the human library? It's a format where people meet and talk to each other for a period of time, a bit like reading a book. What can you learn from this lady? Does she have a skill you could learn about?

There is something interesting, fascinating and unique about her and it's your job to find it. 🌺♥️🌺

Well thank goodness for the kind souls who do care in life...

God, this is patronizing bullshit.

I mean, you're right that I would feel bad if I was really harsh with her, and I do want to treat her as I want to be treated. But I don't want to be patronized. If I'm boring the pants off someone I don't want them to treat me as a project and find out what's "fascinating and unique" about me. I'd like them to indicate it in as gentle a way as possible and give me a face saving way of backing off. And so that is what I'm looking for here.

It's not my job to find out what's unique about her. I have put hours so far trying to develop a connection with her and it was time wasted. Time I won't get back and time I wish I'd spent reading.

And I'm not kidding myself that I'm wonderfully fascinating to her. We've chatted for hours over the last few months and not gelled at all. She may well be finding it fruitless too.