AIBU to blank another parent who witters on?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I Am Being UNKIND but AIBU (and what can I do about this)?

My DD has started horse riding. She's currently having a lesson once a week with one other kid. I take her and sit to watch. The other kid's mother also stays to watch and she is SO BORING and won't shut up.

I have heard 4 times now about how tedious it is to fill in all the forms for her DS's school sport (we're in the US and school sport here is a bit crazy). Last time she spent 12 minutes (I was clock watching) explaining how she went to bed to late. It involved her telling me about four separate loads of laundry, though it turns out she actually stayed up watching TV. I smile and nod and try to get focus on my DD or read the book I bring each week. Sometimes she gets the hint and goes on her phone, but after a few minutes she'll tut or sigh and start telling me about some admin problem she's trying to solve. I cannot bear it.

She seems like a nice woman, but I just don't can't stand her. AIBU to blank her a bit when she goes does this? What alternative is there that doesn't leave me dreading taking my DD to her lesson?

You've told her you want to listen. You've tried to read a book. You have nothing in common with her. You're going to have to say, "I'm sorry, I really want to listen to the instructor", then blank her. She's not going to get the message otherwise. You could have a bit of a chat before and after the lesson, but on your terms, not hers. But you have to be firm with her.

I have a friend whose (adult) DD doesn't shut up. I was in a cafe with friend who is very quiet and who I actually wanted to talk to, but her DD turned up and wouldn't stop. After nearly an hour of her talking I had a headache, suddenly got up in the middle of a story and announced I was going to the loo. I saw the surprise on her face. When I came back she started asking me about myself , and the next time I arranged to see quiet friend, her DD didn't come! So I didn't want to be rude, but was driven to it.

I'm going to try AnnaBelIa's phrasing. I think I've just got so irritated by her I couldn't think of a none nasty way to say that I wanted to read most of the time and in my head it was basically prefaced with "FFS will you just..."! So going straight to the blanking seemed preferable. But a simple explanation will soften things and that is definitely more politic.

You could always tell her she's dull as fuck. She probably won't ever talk to you again after that.

Sounds like you've already tried all the nice ways.

Seriously though, if you've tried all the subtle ways maybe all you have left is being very blunt and telling her flat out you do not want to talk.

. That is what goes through my head! But DD would probably be thrown out and then I'd be in the dog house!

Thanks to this thread, I have a form of words to use now that I feel comfortable with and won't make me a pariah. And then I'll be fine just ignoring her while I read,.

OP I have a family member who witters from morning until night so I get how gruelling it is - she doesn’t pick up on social cues.

Sometimes she’ll say something like ‘I have to make all the conversation when I see Katie, we’d just sit in silence otherwise’ and I know exactly how poor Katie is getting it in the neck and probably wants some peace!

If it feels too rude to say ‘STFK I’m trying to read my book’, a brisk ‘Boom Boom Jr’s asked me to listen to the instructions because she’s trying to improve’ might help. You could even take a notepad and pen as a prop and take a few notes.

Then ‘Oh sorry, I’m just concentrating’ each time to Chatty Cathy if you get interrupted!

Perhaps but it undermines your argument of wanting to concentrate on your daughter.

Knitting is perfect for this. I use it as an excuse to not chat all the time. “Sorry I’m counting”, “sorry, I’m concentrating, this pattern’s quite tricky”, “sorry, what did you say? I’m in a world of my own!” You only have to say it a couple of times before they get the hint!!

My post was never about the 10 minutes I'm concentrating on my DD. As I've said, I do tell her I'm trying to concentrate then. My issue is that I don't want to listen to her wittering on for the rest of the hour when I don't have that "excuse" and I just want to read.

Thankfully another poster has given me a phrase I'm comfortable using for the rest of the time, so I'm going to try that instead of just blanking her.

Take a book and some paper, pen and say you are working.

Maybe start being a nicer person? Just a thought…..

Are you North American? I find they are usually very good at being direct and it doesn’t sound rude. It’s us Brits who make heavy weather of it.

If you are firm with her, she will likely respond and not be offended.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell women to ignore their own needs in favour of being nice to randoms.

Phew I’m glad mine both go to activities where I can drop them off then collect them later!

Blanking is awful! ‘I’m so sorry I just have to watch this, I can’t hear what the instructor is saying!’

Hey, I don't feel like talking or I'm trying to read my book or whatever. I'm on the East Coast and we don't mess around. I'd also be wearing earbuds with the noise muting off, that way you can look like you've got something going but you can still hear the instructor.

I think the more obvious solution is to just speak to the instructor and arrange private lessons for your daughter instead of a shared/group lesson. Then you won’t even be there at the same time as this woman. It will cost slightly more but in my experience (British, now in US with horses) individual instruction is much more common and favoured here.

Wear sunglasses, no makeup
"I've got the most appalling hangover. Do you mind if we don't speak?"

If you do it several weeks in a row, she will think you have a drinking problem and avoid you like the plague..

If you want to cement the impression. Get an empty gin bottle, fill with water, and have a few swigs.

Just joking.
I don't know if you ahve space to move around, I used to walk along the side of the field if there was space (it was usually to keep warm) You could regularly jump up mid chatter flow to "stretch my legs" and do some calf raises or something. She might start to get fed up that you are not really listening and tone it down. or just think you are very odd.

If you've tried everything else just blank her. If she asks why just say you want to be left alone. You'll end up doing it anyway because she'll drive you mad. Its her own fault as she's ignored all your polite hinting.

Agree. Plus can’t the OP guide the conversation to something she doesn’t find boring? Then if the mum doesn’t like what OP is talking about, maybe she’ll be the one to put on the headphones next time. I can imagine the mum telling her partner afterwards ‘ I was trying to make conversation with this mum, but so boring and hard work. Like trying to get blood out of a stone….’

You think that's an obvious solution? Change my DD's lesson instead of ignoring or being direct with another parent? That sounds utterly ridiculous and spineless to me.

Here, apparently, the paired lessons are recommended at DD's stage so the horses and riders can get short breaks while the other rider jumps and the riders can watch and learn from each other's instruction. DD finds it useful and likes the other kid.

It's not necessarily unkind. My jug is so full at the moment I couldn't tolerate anymore information from anyone. I'd have to be honest and say really sorry but I just need to sit quietly today.

I can't talk and concentrate on DD at the same time, no. But that's not the issue, I can handle that bit, it's the other 50 minutes of the lesson that I'm asking about.

I have tried talking to her, reading wasn't my go to. She is, as PP characterized it, dull as fuck and I am not prepared to pay attention to her every week.

You may think it's unkind but I'm not up for being bored out of my skull because someone else is bored and boring and can't entertain herself. If I can't put her off nicely, I'll be rude to her and bear the consequences. I would prefer that to dreading going. I may be being unreasonable there, but there is no way I'm actually going to talk to her all lesson every week.

People like this really wind me up. It’s incredibly self centred and I find it completely draining. We’ve a neighbour like this and last time I actually timed him. 40 mins he cornered me before coming up for air and didn’t ask anything about me. Being lonely, if that’s the case, is no excuse for behaving this way.

If OP was a man there is no way you’d expect her to listen to this woman go and go.

Your post is just #BeKind virtue signalling.

In what way? I'm all up for being nicer providing it's a win-win situation and not an I-sacrifice-just-so-someone-else-can-have-what-they-want type of deal.