And low they arrive home from uni after 5 years of living away….

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

and OMG aren’t they full of themselves. And my house is not a student house. She’s had my house to boss over for a fortnight whilst I was away on holiday and can’t understand why I might be a little put out after arriving home with my suitcases at 3am in the morning and not being able to get through the front door due to her shoes. Yep we’ve shouted and yep she’s already told me she’ll move out. I suggested it was a good idea. We both cried and made up. But…. Her standard of living is NOT MINE and now we both have to compromise. Ugh! Please tell me either stories that I can sympathise or laugh with or provide ideas. It’s my house, but she does live here!

Her house her rules

Surely even in a uni fat share she could leave her crap all over the place

No, that is exactly the point - everything we do for our kids after 18 is out of love, not obligation.

Some posters have a weird take on loving parenting

Of course you have to compromise. She may be an adult but it’s still her home too.

Mine never left but commuted to university. They both do the kitchen, own washing, cook once a week, sort own bedrooms and deal with the food delivery. I have really simple rules and like my home clean and tidy and for the most part they respect that

OMG @Lentilcakes How can they live ‘on their own’ for years and still come back so unprepared!

Give it time. It will fall into a routine as they get more used to it. She's been used to living as an adult in her student digs, but not quite at home. I do remember feeling so sad having said goodbye to student life and having got used to being surrounded by people my own age all the time.

The biology certainly agrees but the way in which we treat our 'children' should adapt over time and to allow a 22ish to behave like a stroppy teen is asking for trouble, the older 'child' should behave like her age and not her hat size.

The behaviour you get from your adult child is mostly a result of how you brought it up. Who's fault your 22 year old is acting like a teenager? Who's fault you have no control over them as they have no respect for you?

But whatever they do (excluding maybe murder or terrorism) they are still your child and your home is their home, too.

So my friend of 67 should always consider his father's home his own also? When are parents allowed to have their own homes without it also being their adults offsprings home

I think the separation happens when the child gets their own home and family. But even then, if your friend is homeless, where should they go if not to their dad's?

She's an adult. How about she find somewhere to rent?

It doesn’t sound as though you like her very much. Or as she always been a pain in the ass?

I love having my kids home from uni - apart from the excess clutter that seems to accumulate. They haven’t turned into dicks or divas, thankfully.

I was thinking that too.

Why? Surely it is out of love? What else is it then?

Anything your parents do for you after you turn 18 years old is out of pure love. Respect them and be thankful"
This is absurd.

I get the jist of the message. We do loads for our two adult sons and to be fair, they do loads for us too and we all enjoy each other's company However if they were entitled, unlikeable and behaved like some of the obnoxious adult children I read about on MN I wouldn't be inclined to help them out much,if at all.

Trust me.. when she’s gone you’ll be back here posting about how you even miss her mess…

I do hear you but remember then they leave probably for good … the period after university but before properly leaving is when you form adult relationships with your child(ren). We are empty nest now so the shoe culprit is me

There is a reason I didn't go back home after university, even holidays were difficult and that was despite being out of the house and working most of the time. I briefly moved home a few years ago whilst we moved house and it was not a happy time! It has made me realise that, although my children will always be able to come back home if they need to, I will always encourage them to fly the nest and be independent. Isn't that what we're supposed to do as parents? Good parents give their children roots and wings: roots to know where home is, and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught them.
My oldest is already (at 17) looking into flats/bedsits in the area that he might move into once his apprenticeship starts (his idea, not mine). It's teaching him about balancing income with outgoings before it's a necessity, the cost of living etc. He will always have somewhere to call home as long as we're alive, as will his siblings but any boomerangs will have to abide by house rules and their made by me and DH.

I moved out of my parents home at 22 and later went away to uni. When I rang my mother to tell her I had got a 1st class degree she said "Well I suppose you'll be coming back here now. But don't think your going to live with us free til you find a flat."

Id love to have seen her face when I told her I was staying on to do a masters and had already been offered work in the uni. I would have cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than move back in with my parents. I never went back.

@Friendlygingercat Whilst I totally understand your perspective my daughter has held down a job whilst at Uni so she could pay some of her way.

It’s not that my daughter is unready for living alone and I really must defend her…. That’s not the point, she’s perfect capable of living in her own space and once she gets her first paycheck from the job she found day 1 (temporary work) she has already offered rent. It’s the take over of MY SPACE. She’s always been messy and I think until she owns her own place and has her own children wrecking it she’ll not understand how I feel.

It’s more the sense of entitlement she seems to feel her stuff should be where she puts it.

But with house prices the way they are I really do need AND want to somehow find a way to make this work so that she and her boyfriend can find a way to save for a deposit on for a property of their own. In meantime I really do have to find a way to muddle along for a few more years and she, genuinely, can be amazing company, loving, adorable, intelligent and much to my mother’s delight….. just like I was.

But should she ever move away I must say I will take great delight in visiting, taking a shoe off by the door, my coat in the hall, the other shoe in the next room and my handbag in the final room with maybe socks/jumpers scattered in between…. :)

Lol I remember telling one of mine that I'd go to her house, leave my stuff about, eat her food and leave the mess about etc

Strangely her own home is immaculate

But should she ever move away I must say I will take great delight in visiting, taking a shoe off by the door, my coat in the hall, the other shoe in the next room and my handbag in the final room with maybe socks/jumpers scattered in between…. :)

This!!!