And low they arrive home from uni after 5 years of living away….

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

and OMG aren’t they full of themselves. And my house is not a student house. She’s had my house to boss over for a fortnight whilst I was away on holiday and can’t understand why I might be a little put out after arriving home with my suitcases at 3am in the morning and not being able to get through the front door due to her shoes. Yep we’ve shouted and yep she’s already told me she’ll move out. I suggested it was a good idea. We both cried and made up. But…. Her standard of living is NOT MINE and now we both have to compromise. Ugh! Please tell me either stories that I can sympathise or laugh with or provide ideas. It’s my house, but she does live here!

She's not a 'child' after 5 years at Uni, only in the pretentious world of the MN parents who breed those who can't cope once the apron wire has finally been unwelded and yet consider themselves superior.

Firstly, lo.

Secondly - its her house. too?? Did she stopped being your child after five years? Of were you hoping she will never come back?

I always envied people who have a family home to get back to/ they are welcomed to come to anytime. Both of my parents remarried and had more kids and I no longer feel like I have anything to do with either of them. I can visit but I never feel like its my family... Its shit knowing the home of your parents is no longer yours and they are basically strangers.

Why have so many replies been deleted on what appears to be a fairly innocuous thread? What did I miss?

Erm she is going to be an OPs child until either/ both of them die.

Shoes are the worst! They have so many different types and specialise in leaving them right in every doorway for me to trip over and then they have the cheek to say look where you are going!
Things I have tried (with varying success)

1. bathroom mess and heaps of discarded towels on the floor. - a pop up laundry bin in every room. They have to do their own washing. I am not a sock monitor.
2. if its really bad... a picture on the family whatsapp speaks a 1000 words.
3. if they scatter belongings in their wake... gather up in a collapsible crate and put the whole thing on their pillow so they have to deal with it or they can't get into bed.
4. regular guilt tripping eg "What did your last House Elf die of?" "I don't know, its Bridgets night off." etc... doesn't really work but it is momentarily satisfying.

I noticed in your post that you and DD kissed and made up... so all will be well. It is a bit of a trial but we miss them when they've gone. But the good thing is they come back if your house has been running perfectly for a while... and spend a happy weekend messing it up again

Oh god I was the most almighty twat when I moved back home from uni. So worldly wise and so above my small town home and upbringing. I did move out again quite quickly which I imagine my parents were very pleased about. But ended up back home again a few years later when a relationship failed and was much more humble that time.

It is definitely a transition period for both of you. She’s been used to a totally different lifestyle for many years. You have been used to living alone. It will settle down. But she should respect your home and rules.

It's too late for you now ... so my advice is for anyone reading this thread.

22yo moved back with us (15yo, DH, me & 2 dogs) in June.

First step, I picked her up and was very clear that they could only bring home what fitted in the car plus what could be carried in one suitcase on the train. Basically similar amount of stuff as when they left.

DC always made clear that they didn't want to move back- so we jiggled the bedrooms around... DC is now in the smallest. (This went down like a ton of bricks, with many arguments!)
We do washing, cleaning and cooking as a family so take turns. Again, not received well, but I have my standards plus it keeps costs in check.

As for dumping stuff around the house- the dogs will take care of that! Already have had a few casualties- DC likes Lego and left some boxes on the sideboard.

I'm not saying things are perfect and we already have had the odd argument from DC saying they are an afterthought (because of the bedroom) over I am not cleaning your mess (asked to clean the bathroom regularly) to DH & I financing a lavish lifestyle from the rent money. (Which will kick in in November) 🙄

DC starts full-time work nx week, 8:30- 5:30.... hallelujah! Hopefully less energy to argue.

... and take a leaf out of the Penguins book!

Or better still;
Lo!

YABU to compromise, yes she should move out!

Is DD allowed in the living room, or is she expected to stay in her room at all times so she doesn't make the place look untidy ? It sounds like you really don't want her there.

It seems a bit mean not to allow her to use her own glasses (surely you have a favourite mug / glass / teacup ? but she isn't allowed the same ?) or keep her shower stuff in the bathroom. When I lived in a house share we all kept our kitchen stuff in the kitchen, bathroom stuff in the bathroom, had a mixture of all our decor in the lounge. And we were just housemates, she's your daughter.

Yes it's your house, but she is your family and it's her home too.

I would suggest she gets her own sheets and she can be as dirty as she likes with her own friends!

@ICanBuyMyOwnFlowersoh yes, we had DD taking over the kitchen w her crap. I vetoed a disgusting mug tree that I wouldn’t even had had in the 90s in my uni house 😂 all storage space is taken up w her stuff. Poor DS came back in June and half his wardrobe is full of her stuff.
Basically our house isn’t big enough for 4 adults, plus we’ve cleared a lot of our own ‘rubbish’ out too.

DH and I were away last weekend - came back to an empty house and first floor windows open at the back. DS was last to leave and ‘didn’t realise’ as the blinds were drawn. He’s 22 ffs! I did tell him to be more careful ‘we’re not going to get burgled’ - was his response.

All deleted messages are from the same poster, and they've had posts deleted from other threads I've been reading too.

My guess would be a Previously Banned Poster.

Ah ok, makes sense, thanks.

No it isn't.

I hate my kids living here, I tell them to help out till even I’m sick of hearing it. I’ve raised lazy aresholes who can’t afford to move out.

Agreed. It didn’t even enter my mind to move back home after uni. I was an adult, had a degree and had started job-hunting. It would just have been bloody weird to move back home.

That was some years ago, but my eldest have done the same. I don’t know anyone in their 20s who moved back home after uni. Your DD should be renting her own room/place. In some ways, today’s young people are more mature than years ago, but in many ways they’re quite immature and entitled.

Set out your expectations, OP. It’s your home. If she’s working, get her to pay you rent and encourage her to find somewhere of her own. Put all her stuff in her room or in storage. I’d have rules about her having guests over too. Getting her to move out isn’t cruel. It will help her mature. ‘Failure to launch’ is far too common. Don’t enable her.

I didn't leave mess, although I am naturally messy. My mom was 'formidable' her way/the highway

My DC both moved back at the same time, pre mobile phones. They would be out every evening while I was sitting at home talking to whichever of their friends had telephoned on the landline. They had to install another line and we have wires and phone points all over the house. I left home at 18 and never went back and never got any support.

Bag and box up her stuff and put it in her room. DS1 lived at home for a year after uni. Apart from a couple of coats in the porch and some shoes on the rack in the hall, all his stuff was in his room - under the bed, in the wardrobe, with some kitchen stuff boxed up in the loft. That was it. No colonising of the parental living areas with his stuff.

It’s clear you don’t want her living in your house so you have to make it clear that she’ll have to move out as soon as she can get herself into a house share. Thousands of us had to do it, it was part of adulting.

Wait, I don’t get why it’s horrible… this comment is a wake up call for the child surely?

Many, many children do not have a loving home that would welcome them back with open arms at any point in life when it’s needed. Reminding a young adult child of their great fortune and pointing out that a little respect would demonstrate that gratitude that they no doubt do hold deep down (but don’t always express) is not a bad thing?

Have I badly missed the point of the post?

Gather all her shit together and put it into her room, including shoes.

Moving out if she cannot respect your space is a good idea for the sake of your relationship.

This is not uncommon and I have it here with a lot of coming and going.

I will not allow our home to be turned into a frat house.
My parents certainly didn't tolerate it and neither will I.

I like my tidy home.
So, I gather everything that is left lying around the house and plonked it on the lovely double beds they are all blessed to enjoy for free.

I certainly don't apologise for wanting my house to be relatively tidy.

Kooky has been on many threads today and they’ve all been deleted presumably they are all a bit kooky!

She's an adult in her 20s not a child