AIBU to prefer time with my children over using babysitters?

[Cherrytree696]

The other day someone in my close family (one of the grandparents to my children) expressed that they find it annoying that I very rarely seek babysitters as I always want to be with my kids. This person said that I was dependent on my kids and on turn I was making them dependent on me.

For context, I have 2 children and I am a teacher. My husband works in a hospital. I am part-time and he is full time. My kids are of school age/nursery age so they attend that during the week. I've never felt the need to spend much time away from them on my days off and really value the time we get to spend as a 4 on days off and holidays etc ...

If I go out my husband generally looks after them and vice versa. We do have date nights out but they aren't very often.

Is this weird?

(I would like to highlight that nobody has ever really offered to babysit them and I've been okay with this. I am not unhappy and neither is my husband - just wanting to know what other people have)

Thanks!

Why do they need unsupervised access to your children?

I was the same; I don't know if it's weird, but it seemed perfectly natural to me. Our kids were used to being out and to meeting new people, entertaining themselves, and fitting into all sorts of different situations. In my mind they were just fun and easy to have around- I didn't feel the need to escape.

DH and I used a babysitter weekly (one of the nursery key workers) from when DT’s were six months old. DT’s were in bed asleep so we weren’t missing any time with them.

They’re asleep surely? How much time are you missing with them? You can do both.

I really needed babysitters when mine were young - but I used the time to catchup on sleep.

I don't feel like I'm missing time with them 😊. We have just never done it. Date nights are usually a takeaway and a new TV show that we have both been wanting to watch or just sitting and talking. I don't see it as a problem and had never thought it was weird until it was mentioned.

So you spend most of 5 days a week away from them?

Yes I can understand wanting to spend the rest of the time with them.

Might be useful to have the kids used to occasional babysitters so if needed in the future it's not odd for them.

I probably would have taken up the offer when they were smaller and weren't sleeping too! But there was never an offer and I felt bad asking.

Not weird, and actually it’s lovely.

I am a part-time so my son is in school 5 days and therefore away but my daughter is in nursery part-time too so I spend more days with her.

They do go to babysitters - my mum lives around the corner so they will go their and she comes here and my son happily goes to play at other people's houses/my daughter is happy at nursery etc so I would say they are sociable.

Seriously? 🙄🤦‍♀️😄
Peak Mumsnet - jumping straight to 'oh well they must be perverts/enmeshed/intrusive' about an ENTIRELY NORMAL situation of family providing childcare for the odd night out.

OP - in answer to your question, it will do you good to keep up friendships, hobbies, your relationship with your partner - and keep hold of who you are, rather than be subsumed by family life

Outside of childcare in school holidays (which you don't need) ds isn't often with others without us but a few times a year he'll stay with grandparents overnight, or even with PIL for a few days (summer holidays) sometimes it's for childcare but sometimes it's because he has a lovely time with them without us.

Is there never something you and your husband want to go to that's not for children? The theatre, a gig, an exhibition, go to a new bar or restaurant with friends.

We've been invited to a party later in the year for a friend's big birthday and whilst DS is invited there won't be many children there so we've decided to book a hotel both have a drink and DS is staying with grandparents for the night at their house. He will also stay with them while we both go to our Christmas do (same night).
I get you don't need childcare in the holidays but it is nice to sometimes do something with your husband without children present.

I think this is as subjective as whether people like spicy food or not, or The Spice Girls (or whatever you kids are into these days). Some peoppe need the space, some dont enjoy it. As l9ng as its a reasonably functional family, I reckon it all pans out in the end. The young children years are hellish and precious. Do.whatever makes it work for your family and thats all that needs to be considered. Unless you turn into one of those people who ismconstantly declaring they couldnt possible do what another mum does, poor little mites performance mothering but you sound fairly normal to me 😀

As a mum I do get where you are coming from. As a child who had a mum similar ( not saying this is you) Her entire life became about us and when we wanted to branch out she really struggled as she was losing her life as she knew it. So I dunno

I have no judgement on what anyone else does! I have actually never given it a minutes thought. I was just living my life 😊. And I agree, I think it's entirely subjective of your personality and circumstances.

It’s completely up to you.

We are similar in that we both love spending as much time as possible with our children as a 4, and both pop out separately too.

However, I ensured from a young age that both of ours spent time without us with my mum, including overnight. It is very important to me to have some proper time with my husband, to enjoy adult conversation, eat in a nice restaurant for our birthdays/wedding anniversary, go to the theatre, attend an adult birthday party in evening, etc. We aim to do this once every month or two.

Our children really love this time with my mum. They have their own things they love to do together, and mine ask to go as they love it so much, so over this weekend they’ll go for a night when we aren’t even out! 😂

A very important bonus of your children having somewhere they are comfortable overnight can also a lifesaver in an emergency. I was rushed to hospital for almost a week when mine were 1 and 3. I’m a SAHM, DH’s work were very understanding, but knowing my mum could step in too if I had been ill for longer helped me worry less in hospital. Similarly, my son was already completely comfortable staying at mum’s when I gave birth to our daughter.

I don't feel this is me. I love watching them take on new challenges or listening to their stories when they come back from friends houses, clubs etc ... When they both are away at the same time and my husband is in the house we just end up with our feet up watching a show we have had on our watchlist for ages. Maybe I'm more introverted than I think I am 😊. Or after teaching 5 year olds and living with with two kids I just enjoy my brain stopping and my joggies on.

Why does it bother them you don't use babysiitters?!

Out of curiosity, did your mum offer or did you ask? There is no where for my kids to stay at either of their grandparents but my parents have toys that they like to play with. My in-laws don't. No one has ever offered for them to spend the night however it sounds like you have a set up that works for your family which is great and I can definitely see the benefits!

Reading between the lines, is this your MIL and she sees your DC spending time with your mum, but not her?

I get pressure from friends all the time to get a babysitter. We don’t want to.
if we do go out together my Mum jumps to hang out with them. I am very lucky but they still constantly suggest I get a ‘real’ babysitter ie. Pay a teenager

Because they feel my kids are dependent on me and I'm dependent on them but I can't find any evidence that supports this.

My kids happily go to school/nursery.
They want to and happily go to play in other people's houses.
They attend clubs.
My husband and I both have individual interests/hobbies.
My husband and I get time alone when they go to bed and he is not working.

Why did you start this thread? You know you’re happy with how things are and you are a teacher so know about child development. Seems like you just want to say how great you are and your kids and how wonderfully you all get along well done. Some people want to go and see art, theatre, raves, dinner with friends etc and enjoy using a babysitter. Who cares??

It depends. I think it’s easy to let couple side fall by wayside. I think it’s hard if you never go out as a couple to a concert, wedding, meal etc to find your groove again as a couple when they are older.

Not weird. I never used a babysitter. I was a single parent working FT, so DD was in FT nursery and then wraparound childcare. Weekends were our precious time together. Didn’t have a partner so date nights not needed! We used to socialise with other single mums and kids when we wanted any company.