AIBU to prefer time with my children over using babysitters?

[Cherrytree696]

The other day someone in my close family (one of the grandparents to my children) expressed that they find it annoying that I very rarely seek babysitters as I always want to be with my kids. This person said that I was dependent on my kids and on turn I was making them dependent on me.

For context, I have 2 children and I am a teacher. My husband works in a hospital. I am part-time and he is full time. My kids are of school age/nursery age so they attend that during the week. I've never felt the need to spend much time away from them on my days off and really value the time we get to spend as a 4 on days off and holidays etc ...

If I go out my husband generally looks after them and vice versa. We do have date nights out but they aren't very often.

Is this weird?

(I would like to highlight that nobody has ever really offered to babysit them and I've been okay with this. I am not unhappy and neither is my husband - just wanting to know what other people have)

Thanks!

"unsupervised access"??....Omg, that's the question that crosses your mind how bizarre! Meanwhile in the real world children spend quality time with loving Grandparents all the time. I'm 55 and I spent weekends with my Gran all the time growing up.

Working full time doesnt mean you spend 'most' of the 5 days away from the kids, there are as many waking hours outside work as there are working hours.
But I do understand completely working parents wanting to maximise time with their kids.

I don't think it's weird at all. You seem to love your children and value your family time. You being dependant on a child is weird statement for them to make.

So do you have time without them when they are in school and you aren’t working ? If so you are getting a break from work and children which means you will find it much easier when with them. It isn’t surprising that you wouldn’t need a break. For me it’s the business of working a lot and 3 kids not the kids , I also found my kids easiest in primary school age.

Of course it’s a good thing to want to spend time with your very young children? Have people definitely said it’s weird or are you overthinking?

Your comment about no one offering to babysit is not really relevant though. You have to ask others, they don’t form a queue!

None of our families ever helped whatsoever so you sound like you have it good with your mum. Actually it sounds like you have plenty of time away from them also and there’s nothing wrong with that .

You just can't win csn you? If you had regular sitters would be wrong.. of course they are dependent on you
. They are young amd they are yours. Just do your own thing and enjoy your children. Nothing to do with anyone else

if you’ve got easy children or are fortunate to get the support you need already then why not, someone with more demanding children, sleep issues etc, no support or company would probably feel differently. Parents should just go with what they feel they need and children are happy with. I would just frame it to the relative in that way, i.e. I’m really fortunate that I get a bit of free time as it is and the kids are quite easy going, nap etc, so so far I’m not needing to use babysitters and really do enjoy the time I do spend with them’

This all sounds lovely and you sound very fortunate. You do realise though that some
of us have grandparents who don’t want gc staying with them, my mum made it clear that she would never babysit under any circumstances and that was absolutely her choice. When they were small visits were limited to an hour or two and I had to do everything! It was very tricky when they were small and I was say changing a nappy whilst trying to watch other small kids at the same time or if I tried to have a coffee I was up and down while my family looked on…… My in-laws are even worse so it was just unfortunate for my dh and I .
It isn’t that we didn’t set things up properly or that we didn’t want the kids to get used to other people. Some families (hopefully unusual) simply don’t help 🤷‍♀️

Sure, and some families live much further away. We actually don’t have as much help as many of our friends, as 3 out of 4 of our parents are dead.

I do think it is important to find somebody to help, whether that’s a sibling, a friend or a neighbour. If only for emergencies- as stated, I was rushed to hospital myself unexpectedly, and I also needed to juggle for a period of time hospital appointments for youngest with the school run for my eldest. I actually found that asking other mums on the school run and our neighbours for some help deepened those bonds. I have also been able to help them, and my children feel confident in knowing other people care about us, and we care about them.

If family won’t help, I personally would still find a reliable, paid babysitter, as I refuse to never spend any adult time with my husband.
Each to their own with what they are comfortable with though.

It is totally acceptable to want to spend time with your children. Why else would you have them? When I was a child my friends who had two full time working parents always said how lucky I was that I got to spend time with my parents.

Yep. We are the minority. Most can't wait to have other people looking after Their children. Personally we have never spent an hour away from ours. We look after them when the other is busy. We would rather spend time together as a family. We had our time on our own, over a decade in fact and we will again, when they've left home.

We went away to a wedding overnight (24hours) and it cost us €250 for a childminder that we have known years , in fact more of a friend really. I’ve made friends with lots of school mums and honestly it really wouldn’t be normal at all to ask them to mind all 3 kids , it’s unusual in this country to not have family help (I’m not in the uk). Yes we car-pool and we do playdates back amd forth but that’s it . Most people have multiple dcs here also .
We have had babysitters once our kids were a bit older but it in no way compares to family , it makes for a very expensive night or day I can tell you !
But I did it exactly for what you spoke about , in the case of an emergency. I just wanted to point out that I’ve heard this before from people with family support “couple time is so important “ which I agree with but easy to say when you have a lovely granny who you can leave your kids with. It’s such a privilege tbh.

We get babysitters all the time and have done since our first was 6 months old. Paid babysitting as no family have ever offered.

We like going out and it is part of how we connect as a couple - we do gigs, theatre etc.

I think you may start to feel differently once your kids have a later bedtime. We did a lot less going out when our kids were in bed by 7. Now they do to bed more like 8:30/9 and so we don't get a lot of time as a couple any more

Why annoying? Strange word to use.

I don’t agree that’s it’s a privilege in the sense that I was brought up that families should help each other out, so it’s completely normal. It is a shame if they refuse to. I will offer a great deal of help to any future GCs of mine, and feel very privileged to have any. Agree that the cost of any paid help is extortionate, even 30 mins of after-school club!

I understand @Cherrytree696 where you're coming from. The time together on the sofa with your DH sharing a TV prog & a takeaway is precious time. The time when your DC are still "littles" is precious time, too - and so short.
No need to go out to a restaurant when you've got all you want at home.
In my case, there were no grandparents or other relatives to call on. It was just me and 'im, and we were were struggling to make ends meet. When DD was a baby / toddler / still little, if we were invited to supper at friends' houses, we'd load her carrycot or sleeping bag (age appropriate) in the car and take her along, putting her down in an adjacent room when we got there. She adjusted very easily and knew from an early age that if she woke we were close at hand. Basically, we just included her in our ongoing life. Later on, she chose her own time to branch away when she felt ready to go on children's camping trips (Woodcraft Folk, and the like).

In adult life she's achieved a confident independence I only dreamed of.

I think, OP, you are cementing in place the "secure base" we all, ideally, need(ed).

I need my time I’m afraid I don’t relate. I adore my kids and the time I spend with them but once a month we go out for a date and it keeps us sane. We do have 4 yo twins though so unsure if the twin aspect factors into this. We have never been away from them for a night though but if someone I trusted offered I’d jump at the chance!

I don't use babysitters, I leave them with a family member. Very rarely do I do this as my kids have additional needs and it can be a big ask, but surely you can see that people like to go out once in a while without kids? It's nice to get out of the house on your own, with friends or your DH occasionally. It doesn't make you a better parent for never going out.

It’s weird you don’t have more dates?

There’s an air of superiority in the way you say this, as if your a better parent. Some of my best memories are with my grandparents watching me during the summer or at the weekend. My kids used to beg to stay with their granny. I didn’t have that time with my partner for long as was very young when I got pregnant so I think it’s ok to want to have time as a couple if you didn’t have it, it’s not always guaranteed when they are older either due to poor health. My kids grew up being watched by aunties, grandparents and uncles and absolutely loved it, they’re the most secure, emotionally mature young adults with amazing relationships with their parents and wider close family. Everyone is different but no one’s choice makes you a better parent

Who looks after them when you go out together?

Or do you never go out together?

I loved spending time with my gps & so do my dc

Personally we have never spent an hour away from ours.

That's really not the flex you think it is.
What if you are ever suddenly away from them - rushed into hospital with appendicitis or (hopefully not) in a terrible accident ? That being the first time your dc have ever been away from you for more than an hour is just going to add to the trauma.

Why not use a babysitter when they are asleep? Ours didn’t know we had gone out as they were in their cots asleep. Their babysitters were well known to us and them as they were the key workers from nursery. Neither set of grandparents lived in the same country otherwise they would have been delighted to babysit.