AIBU to prefer time with my children over using babysitters?

[Cherrytree696]

The other day someone in my close family (one of the grandparents to my children) expressed that they find it annoying that I very rarely seek babysitters as I always want to be with my kids. This person said that I was dependent on my kids and on turn I was making them dependent on me.

For context, I have 2 children and I am a teacher. My husband works in a hospital. I am part-time and he is full time. My kids are of school age/nursery age so they attend that during the week. I've never felt the need to spend much time away from them on my days off and really value the time we get to spend as a 4 on days off and holidays etc ...

If I go out my husband generally looks after them and vice versa. We do have date nights out but they aren't very often.

Is this weird?

(I would like to highlight that nobody has ever really offered to babysit them and I've been okay with this. I am not unhappy and neither is my husband - just wanting to know what other people have)

Thanks!

This.

Honestly? Because I do not trust anyone... that's the bottom line really.

Just say are you offering to babysit? Nothing wrong with wanting to be with your kids, but if they're happy to sit, there's nothing wrong with you and your husband getting a break and the kids bonding with grandparents. It's actually a good idea, because in an emergency, if they're used to it, that's one less thing to worry about (say if you or your husband had a serious accident etc).

Single parent so no "couple time" required and DC have always spent a night or 2 at their dads each week which allows me to have a drink with friends if I fancy it. I've never used a babysitter but sometimes my DC do stay with relatives because they want to have a sleepover with cousins or grandparents, not because it suits me. In fact its more trouble for me usually driving them there, packing bags etc.

I'm definitely not reliant on them but I do enjoy their company so I don't see the need to have time away from them.

What a limited way to view the world

I think said family member is being very odd.

Theres nothing wrong with your way of doing things. Just as there’d be nothing wrong with going out together sometimes and leaving them with a trusted babysitter.

Neither way is wrong or bad for the kids.

You’re not making them dependent on you any more than is literally the case - all kids are dependent on their parents to meet their every day needs! And you’re not dependent on them - obviously as you go out with friends separately to your husband and have a nice time together when the kids are in bed, just in the house. Honestly it’s such a short time that they are small, it’s not worth listening to this kind of nonsense.

I think this is quite extreme tbh - not to trust anyone at all, and the not spending more than an hour away from them - but I guess they’ll soon be school age a then you will naturally start having time apart.

Children build a totally different bond on another level with grandparents or aunts (the ones that want to be present in their lives) when parents aren’t there.
We visit MiL regularly but only when she comes over for the weekend to ours or they’re having a sleepover at hers the children and her are crying when saying goodbye, it never happens when we visit her for lunch.
Im all for spending as much time as possible with my DCs as they’re little only for short time but it’s also nice to have time with my DP without the children and be again like we were before children. So we use a paid babysitter to go to dinners, theatre, parties etc the children are sleeping anyway.
We have an occasional weekend away maybe 3 times a year without the children usually during half term or in the summer because I wouldn’t want them being in school all week and not see them during the weekend so it makes more sense to go away for the night when they’re off school.
everyone has different needs in terms of nights out, weekends away

Not at all unreasonable. I'm the same. The way I see it I had 20 years before my children to be out on my own/with DH all the time and will hopefully have plenty time once the kids don't want to or need to be with us any more so for now it's all about them. Being away from them for school/work is long enough from me, i don't want to miss any more time with them.

That’s a shame you don’t have close family

They started it to be goady

Before independence comes dependence.

It's not weird you love your life, you sound happy and like you understand it's a season. It will come to an end.
My sister's in laws stake wild claims about their access to her child. They are rude and unreliable and it's not about her or offering support. It's about them and wanting to be needed and in control.

If she asks for babysitting they let her down.

If you are happy don't change.
If you are missing out on a date night out of the house and this is an immature way for them to offer, perhaps take them up on it if you want to.
I won't pretend them making accusations of dependency sounds supportive but you know them in real life so thats going to be a more complex situation than a Mumsnet post I'm sure.

You are not being unreasonable. That's quite a shocking comment from your family member! It's just your value system. You are simply not desperate to go out with your husband and instead find that quality time at home. Nothing wrong with that. I am fairly similar. The only people who have babysat our kids are my parents and they don't love doing it of an evening so we rarely do it unless a big milestone event for friends etc. I wouldn't want somebody unknown to look after my children anyway. I think it's lovely that you're such a present and available parent creating strong secure attachments. The total opposite in fact to what your family member was trying to suggest. Bonkers comment

You sound like us, we have only asked for grandparents to babysit like twice, they do go to nanny and grandad on Thursdays.in school holidays to help cover the days as annual leave doesn't stretch far enough, but we enjoy spending our time with our kids, but no one has an issue with it either

I didn't use babysitters and very rarely had any family help with our three. They certainly didn't become dependent on me/us as they grew up.

I don't see why this person is so put out that you are not using babysitters. How does it affect them? Tell them to wind their neck in.

Perfectly fine if that works for you! We have never used babysitters, only had family babysit on a very rare occasion. I think the PIL's had a different picture of being grandparents and expected they would be babysitting all the time, but we were never people who went out much in the evenings so wouldn't necessarily begin to do so now.
We have used the odd nursery day to go on a spa day which has been fab though!

This is where the balance is definitely needed!

OP - I don't like leaving my DC other than nursery. We've had the very odd, very rare date night. I had a bad childhood so I am always conscious DC feel settled and love above all else.

But seeing what firstlove2009 has just said has made me think a bit. Maybe we need a mixture of being there a lot, and them seeing what healthy independence looks like.

Your life sounds lovely op! We dont use regular childcare either but in-laws do have ds an overnight in the holidays whist I’m at work and that’s quite nice as we get the evening just dh and I. And not rushing in the morning.
Pil never offer though we do ask.
if it comes up again I’d say, you never offer to have kids so I assumed you weren’t bothered.

Sounds like your mum actually babysits quite a lot OP, just not at night time.

Going by previous threads on MN. In these situations they’re just being manipulative and selfish as they want time with your young children. They will also have old fashioned expectations of how children should behave and discipline them as such. It’s not because they care about you or your children. They comment about making your children dependent on you. Children are dependent which is why parents have to parent 🤷🏼‍♀️

They’re the weird one.

Does the person that made this comment, often offer to babysit? If they mention again, say actually can u look after them for a few hours this Saturday night then? 🤪

I think it's lovely you want to spend time with your children. I always spend time with my kids too. We are a happy unit with each other and personally I'd never pay for someone else to watch my kids. They come to all events, shopping trips etc with me. They are usually very well behaved so it's a pleasure to have them with us. It sounds like you have a beautiful family and you enjoy spending time together. Children are not Children forever so I say spend as much time with them as you can while they are still young. This comment from your family member is unneeded and a little strange. Carry on doing what your doing.

Each to their own! I adore my two! It’s my oxygen but we rely on our nanny a lot. Due to work shifts. And we both have lives and hobbies outside of our children. (and they will too once old enough) so we maintained keeping those interests. We still watch the F1 racing abroad every year! Whether that’s Bahrain or Europe that’s 3 days sans kids! 6 nation, Brit awards, gigs etc! Comedy club once a month on a Friday. I have no family locally to babysit and neither does he! Currently on holiday at the moment with my mum travelling over 11 hours from abroad to look after our dog :)
she has always done this funnily enough doesn’t do it fir her only grandkids!

hard for us to comment as the people around you know you best!

I thought the same when reading the thread title, but on opening the thread I think they are just wanting reassurance its OK to say no to a family member that is pressuring them.

I had a wonderful childhood spending regular time alone with my grandparents; afternoons after school and entire weekends at least once a month. Our daughter has had the same, and stays at my parents once a week overnight, and goes to her other grandparents once a week after school. She also goes ion holiday with my parents for a week in the summer and we go away as a couple at the same time.

that said if this is working for you, then providing the kids aren’t clingy and you’re aware they will eventually want to do things without you, that’s fine. I assume you make sure the grandparents get plenty of time to see the kids?