AIBU to prefer time with my children over using babysitters?

[Cherrytree696]

The other day someone in my close family (one of the grandparents to my children) expressed that they find it annoying that I very rarely seek babysitters as I always want to be with my kids. This person said that I was dependent on my kids and on turn I was making them dependent on me.

For context, I have 2 children and I am a teacher. My husband works in a hospital. I am part-time and he is full time. My kids are of school age/nursery age so they attend that during the week. I've never felt the need to spend much time away from them on my days off and really value the time we get to spend as a 4 on days off and holidays etc ...

If I go out my husband generally looks after them and vice versa. We do have date nights out but they aren't very often.

Is this weird?

(I would like to highlight that nobody has ever really offered to babysit them and I've been okay with this. I am not unhappy and neither is my husband - just wanting to know what other people have)

Thanks!

Is it that they are not getting the chance to build a good relationship directly with their DGCs?

So, I probably spent an unusually high amount of time with my own grandparents as a child. I slept over their house every weekend (my Dad died when I was 4, so they were almost like other parents). So I always just assumed my children would likewise spent a lot of time with GPs growing up (made easier as I live 10 min from Mum).

My Mum is very laidback about making plans, so I tend to ask. I like to give her notice and check she is free, so I’ll let her know if we receive a specific evening invite as soon as I receive it, etc. Now mine are 5 and 7 they’ll ask her themselves and sort it out amongst themselves 😂 she always visits us 1 day a week after school, and we also invite her out with us as a 4 on day trips in the school holidays.

Curious about how other people do things 😊.

This sounds really lovely! (Although, I am sorry to read about your father's early passing). My mum also just pops in 😊. And very cute that your kids are organising! Maybe I'll encourage them to ask 😂.

Would this happen because we don't leave them with them? We see all grandparents a lot (and my children have step grandparents too so technically 6 😊)

I wouldn’t describe a grandparent as a babysitter. I have fond memories of days out with my grandad at primary school age and my mum would take my dd out in school hols. I was at a mueum this week and two children were having a lovely day with their grandparents/great grandparents. As long as they are loving involved grandparents it’s a bonus if they are willing to spend time with dc.

So long as you can gradually let go as tgey get more independent I can't see a problem.

Good point! Although I wouldnt feel comfortable asking my parents or in-laws to look after my kids when I have 6 weeks off. That's definitely a me problem that stems from people making fun of the 6 weeks off 🙈.

Thank you for your kind words.

It’s definitely up to you to do whatever you are comfortable with, when and how often. So for me, my Mum did say if my DH and I ever wanted a few nights abroad on our own she’d have ours, but for me I really panicked at the thought of being out of the country without them, and have only ever done 1 night apart as I would miss them a great deal. I also have friends who, when theirs were very young, felt more comfortable with a daytime lunch date because theirs were more unsettled with babysitters at bedtime.

It’s a individual and personal one for sure, no right or wrong 😊

Well aren't you charming!

No, it wasn't her actually but she never offers. She looks after my sister in law's children quite a lot so I think she finds her plate to be quite full (which I totally understand).

Speaking from experience, I had a v surface level relationship with one set of grandparents who I only saw with my parents present (I think this was the GPs choice), whereas I used to spend time on my own with the others and developed and benefitted from a much closer and richer relationship with them.

I feel it is normal wanting to spend as much time as possible with own children.

There will be many who says otherwise but that's also ok. Parenting doesn't need to be one fits for all and that relative is just projecting an expectation ... Don't let her make you feel wrong about what feels right to you.

Interesting!

Sounds like someone stirring the pot or wanting to be able to control you

Can’t answer as to whether or not it’s weird but I can say that I’m exactly the same, my eldest is coming up to 3 now and my youngest is 14 months, not been babysat a single time since they’ve been born. My partner and I enjoy the evenings when they’re asleep, having a couple of drinks at the weekend, chatting and watching a new TV show. When they’re old enough to express a want to be babysat by family members then I’m sure I’ll be open to it but for now they’re little and I like to spend the time with them

If this grandparent wants to spend time with the children without you, it would be much better if they suggested a time and activity they'd like to do rather than complaining and casting things in a negative light. It's nothing to do with babysitting because if you were going out most evenings and paying neighbours to babysit then their issue would remain.

This sounds nice 🙂. I am starting to think I may value TV and early nights more than most. I get excited at 8pm when I put on my jammies 😂.

Good point 😊.

Date nights are usually a takeaway and a new TV show that we have both been wanting to watch or just sitting and talking

I get that if money is tight maybe a takeaway and a movie is a date night, but saying in and having a chat? Especially when you have family willing to babysit that’s not a date, it’s every day life.

My husband does a lot of night shifts and I'm up early in the morning. We are in a time of our life when this is just a luxury for us 😊. One day, I assume, it will return to being everyday life but right now it's not for us.

And actually, even though this person had this conversation with me, there wasn't actually an offer of childcare attached. More accusatory of my family life than a problem/solution chat 😊

Well there wasn't actually an offer of spending time/child care. It was more of a familial critique than an offer 😂.

Oh that is, without doubt, my favourite part of the day 😂

😂

Seems very insular to me, to never go out with your dh if you are able to.
Do you never want to go (together) to a gig, sports match, theatre show or something else that is outside your 4 walls ?
Don't you even want to meet up with friends ? Don't you ever get invited to a BBQ, or a birthday party, or a wedding ?