To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

What an odd reply.

And what of your hobbies? How much do you spend on them? When do you do whatever you like? Or have you totally sacrificed yourself for this selfish woman.

I've met a lot of people who are obsessed with horses and a bit like those who are into "crafting", they spend every bit of money on their hobby at the expense of everyone else's needs.

I think this is the time to draw a line now.

This would be a deal breaker for me, OP. £25k a year is insane. I'd be considering my options.

YANBU. This is the basic dillema that you keep facing in any partnership when it comes to making decidions.I mean if you want a window open and they want it closed who gets to decide? It can't always be your partner.

One thing that strikes me is that your costs seem very high at £25 K over a year? We have a house with paddock and stables and we have a dissabled horse to take care of ( so plenty of vets bills) and our annual costs are a fraction of what you mention.

You will not need "acres of land" 1 acre would do for 2 horses.

It won’t , he’s involved in their hobby . We had non horsey parents and they got very involved with ours despite neither parent ever riding and in honesty it bought them great joy for years .

Unless she can finance it 100 % herself just say no.

No is a great word

I know someone with a secret horse 😆

@tommyknocker1982 you are 100% not being unreasonable. While I understand what it's like for your wife & children, you are right to put limits on firstly what you can afford and secondly what is going to affect your own happiness & wellbeing.

Point out to them you've already returned to work full time to fund their passion and while you want them to be happy, it's starting to negatively impact on you and that you're not able to take on greater burden for it - be it financial or otherwise.

You need to show them it's not just about money, but about your happiness and wellbeing too.

Time to knock it on the head by announcing that you're taking up sailing as a hobby and you can't afford any more money for the horses as you need to buy a yacht...or maybe two yachts. See what they say.

I would say increasing your working hours, shelling out a lot of your money subsidising your wife's hobby, going twice a week to the stables and doing lots of jobs there...all for a hobby you don't do or want. You also don't expect your wife to work more to contribute more to her own hobby and are conscious if she did she would lose a free day to herself. Do you get a free day?
I know you do it for your kids too because they enjoy it and you are supporting their hobby and that's great. But it's taking over your life and eating up your savings. Absolutely no way you are being unreasonable wanting to draw the line there.

I wish people would understand the concept 'not for us' or 'not on my budget'. Unless you are totally loaded, like really, really filthy rich, keeping horses is not for you - I thought everybody understood that. There are so many options - find your nearest stables and pay per a ride - yes, you may not always get your first choice, but it is still riding, no vet bills, no livery, no tack. We all have to cut our cloth accordingly.

Id say no, because of the kids uni cost and balance. It sounds like you have a good balance at the moment.

Not that it's any of your business, but I assume he could earn enough from four days work to fund a comfortable, "normal" lifestyle. Unfortunately his wife and daughters extravagant hobbies need him to work more than that to fund them.

Get them to switch to 7 day DIY livery and see how keen they are then. At the very least it will save you a lot of money.

And don't buy land in the south east for horses. There's no grass winter or summer. People are feeding hay in the field all year round, it's in short supply and astronomically priced if you can find someone who will sell it. Come Jan/Feb it's a mad scramble if you haven't managed to get 6 months' worth in your barn for winter.

Im a stay at home mum. I wanted property, I have all the animals, we have a horse on agistment because I dont have enough land to put the horse, well I sort of do but I have alot of other animals and horses take up a lot of space. My husband is not an animal lover, but we bought a home on a small parcel of land, i have filled it with animals and small animals in my home lol. he builds all the enclosures, fences and does majority of the maintenance of infrastructure and he does majority of renovations. He provides the Income to support our kids and all the animals. He does not whinge and complain, he is happy that he is creating a life that makes his family happy.

@tommyknocker1982
I too would be very interested to know what your wife would say if you took up an expensive and time-consuming hobby, which you expected her to facilitate. But even then, it still isn’t the same, most hobbies involve inanimate objects and you will never get prosecuted by the RSPCA for neglecting a boat, motorbike, jetski or set of golf clubs!

On another note, how does this horse-owning pan out in the future? There was a thread on Mumsnet a while back where a young woman was trapped living at home in a rural area due to the need to care for horses with whom her mother would not part. The mother’s health was failing and she could no longer manage the yard work, the horses were now un-rideable and difficult to manage so could not be sold, the mother was long divorced and siblings didn’t want to know…it was not a pretty picture. I think the daughter eventually decided to go to university and leave her mother to cope as best she could.

This. I foisted first one and then a second spaniel on my DH. I’d move to the country and get several more if i could, but DH has no interest and as much as he loves our two he has drawn a line in the sand. Spaniels - food, grooming, pet plans, pet insurance, bigger car, dog walkers/sitters costs us £8k a year (had to calculate it when doing my will and bequeathing the dogs and funds for their care). My sister is horse mad but made it her profession to feed her obsession, buying up land, horses, building a riding stables and business. No way would I continue - what happens when your DC are 18, go to uni, leave home? Are you expected to continue funding them?

You will not need "acres of land" 1 acre would do for 2 horses.

One wet acre won't.

One acre and two horses is a recipe for many, many a happy hour picking up horse shit, every day.

Two horses in 70 metres by 70 metres would not be considered a good lifestyle by a lot of people.

One acre split so it can be rested is even worse but not rested risks becoming horse sick.

One acre is too small for contractors to bother weed spraying and topping for you.

I'm sure you are happily making it work but a plot that small is far from ideal and many plots that size would not work at all.

If your wife only works 4 days then surely you could drop down to 4 day livery….?

15k a year is crazy money. I have one horse, and he costs around 3k a year. However, I have

• grass livery
• no competing (so no costs for transport, show gear etc.)
• don't currently have lessons, though generally I'd expect to do this
• shoes on front only, not back
• I removed vet cover from my insurance as it wasn't proving cost-effective

There must be some way you can get it down. No grass livery where you live?

I wouldn't have a horse at home. So much more maintenance - poo picking, maintaning fences, ordering hay, plus you then always have to have more than one. Also, I like the social aspect of the yard, and I don't need to visit every day as there are always other people going to the field who will contact me if there is an issue with my horse.

Another here who thinks your wife is asking too much and is also too new to horse-owning to be making these demands (which are excessive anyway). You have already discovered that owning horses is way more expensive than you anticipated. You have already had the experience of the first horse being unsuitable for their intended rider. You would save on livery expenses but rack up vast associated expenses. Your wife doesn’t work full time yet expects you to do so in order to fund this. She is being unreasonable and irresponsible. At the very least, she should give it 3-5 more years and perhaps you can review things then.

We have three horses, I am firmly against any more and although my DD would love a house with land. I don’t. Once these horses have died we won’t be getting any more. It is an absolute money pit often extremely stressful. I love them but no more.

5 day full livery is where the costs are going. There are cheaper ways to keep them - obviously the less outlay the more work roughly. You may well find having them at home proves to be an easier and nicer option

I’m sorry to say I think your wife is taking you for a mug.

A house with enough aces for a horse is going to be 1 million+ in the Home Counties.

Honestly, this is madness. I have a horse. They are expensive. You can’t keep getting horses that you can’t afford.

That said, horses are my hobby. I don’t pay for dh’s mountain bikes or his 3 motorbikes or his vintage Land Rover. I pay for my horse out of my personal spending, not family spending. Even when I had 2 horses and one was sort of dd’s. I would put it back on her. If she wants an expensive hobby, she needs to be able to afford it.

My dd would like a proper horse of her own again too. But I tell her when she’s 18 and living independently and earning money, she can get a horse, but only when she’s old enough to appreciate the cost and the work involved.

Fwiw, we do have a house with land. Do not underestimate how expensive that is either beyond the initial purchase. You need the tractor to maintain it and you need to pay someone to come cut and bale hay if there are bits you don’t graze and you need to cut the hedges and maintain the fencing and pull ragwort and deal with vermin. Land management is a lot of work and expensive.

I can't believe this is real.

I had to slightly switch off when you complained about having to work full time to buy a second horse.

I think you've made your bed and you can definitely afford it.

A house in the country with a bit of land is what most people dream of. Suck it up buttercup. More fool you for not researching enough into the costs beforehand.