To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

£25k a year is more than many people’s mortgages - it is a colossal sum of money to be spending on a hobby. (A crack habit would probably be cheaper)

Me and DP share what is considered an expensive hobby but it’s something we can do anywhere/year round, doesn’t require daily maintenance and we often couple with holidays. We don’t spend anywhere even near half that a year on it between us.

That you’re already working more to fund this and any move would mean an increase in mortgage just makes this a hard no. It doesn’t sound like you’ve got enough room to manoeuvre. People don’t like to think about bad things happening but they do: people lose jobs or get sick. Your DDs will move out/away. I’m sure a few years down the line they’d be happier with help with university or getting on the property ladder than fettling a pony.

I would ask her to set out proper costings and a care plan for the horses of full livery v half v buying land and perhaps finding somewhere that would suit you all. Basically she needs to be realistic, as this affects everyone's money and lifestyle. Or if it's not something which can be done now, could it be done in the future?

Yes, exactly this. They can get buddy sour and then that means separating them for things like medical procedures or stall rest can cause a significant amount of distress.

Obviously not all horses but given they are social creatures it can happen. For this reason OP, YANBU, they need to consider the animals welfare.

You'll end up alone, the horses will always win :D

However, my DP pays zero towards mine, I'd never let him have a financial say in them or my horse life, so maybe that's where it's different!

I'm so sorry OP I know this is a serious problem but (as a horsey person) it really made me laugh. I can totally empathise with how this stuff escalates. It sounds like your wife has rose tinted glasses of how the horses at home thing will work in terms of time and money- she definitely needs your buy in because the maintenance aspect will need your support alone. I would absolutely love to have my horse at home and staring at me through the window and I think I'd feel even more like that if my two teenage daughters wanted the same. But moving house and committing to land needs your support too and if she doesn't have your support you need a compromise somewhere.

What about seeing if there is some land you can rent nearby where she can keep her horses? Sometimes people rent out small yards with the infrastructure already there. Then at least you can trial the idea of doing it entirely on your own.

Also has she thought about arena usage etc? Unless you end up with a spare 50k or buy a house that already has an arena she will need to be able to transport the horses to somewhere to ride in an arena (showjumping, dressage etc).

Genuine Qn are you and DW actually compatible

I think the current arrangement is already grossly unfair. Your children are not toddlers, I don’t understand why your wife expects you to work full time to finance a hobby you don’t participate in while she is working 4 days a week. I would expect her to work full time and look for a job (or a job plus a side-hustle) that can cover half of your living expenses plus 2/3 of all horse-related expenses. Currently the hobby is enjoyed by 3 people so it would be fair to split the cost in 3 - she pays for herself and one child, you pay for the other, so the costs of sDC’s hobby are shared and your wife can have adult responsibilities.

Errr, what? I've had up to 6 horses at a time, all paid for by me alone (sometimes doing 2 jobs) and am a very long way off being loaded. Currently have 2 horses, a job paying around £35k and the horses want for nothing. No DP/DH to help with other costs but the horses are my life, not just a hobby so I'vealwaysfound ways to make it work.

Yes they are expensive, but it's certainly possible to keep them on a budget if you're not loaded.

OP, I can't say whether you're being unreasonable or not as I'm biased, if I could afford it I'd have the house, land, more horses etc!

You're a doormat

If your wife works 4 days a week why are they in livery for 5 days?

I am no a horsey person but I can’t imagine many spouses and parents would extend their working life by that kind of time. £25k a year would make a huge difference to your retirement age if it went to investments/ pensions

I think the OP is being unreasonable for not posting a photo of the horses.

How spiteful.

WTF 😂

I think you have compromised more than enough @tommyknocker1982 .
You are happy to increase to full time hours and your wife stay on four days so she has the extra day to enjoy the horses.
You are happy to pay for this jointly.
You muck in on a weekend.

I would not entertain increasing your outgoings so much and agree to such big changes with your children being the ages they are.

What is your wife willing to compromise on? I would hope the 5 day livery! and weekends taken up would be more than enough.

He's being totally walked over to facilitate an expensive hobby of his wife and daughters that he doesn't participate in (apart from helping to maintain the horses in his spare time).

He's increased his working hours to pay more than half of the £25k pa he says it costs them.

You might not like it but he is a doormat...

Increasing to full time hours is hardly a sacrifice. Don't most people work full time just to pay their average mortgage, nevermind horses 😂

I mean spending thousands on horses is absolutely ridiculous but they clearly can afford it. Think OP is a absolutely being taken for a ride but I think the train has already left the station and is not a stopping service. Unsure if OP said but I would certainly be expecting the daughters to contribute financially once they get part time jobs. The 15yo can probably get a Saturday job (sorry if they have said).

I think it's all ridiculous but you have to suspend your beliefs on here sometimes. Some poor b*stards on here can't afford their weekly shop and this one's complaining about extra horses 😂. Honestly OP just go for it. I think they'll make your life miserable if you say no.

also don’t underestimate the selfishness of horse obsessives!
as mentioned our whole childhood was was dictated by the 4 who rode and 3 who didnt had no voice.
A very good friend of mine who grew up with horses, decided she must have them for the children and needed land. They could only afford somewhere hours and hours away from London so her DH ended up in a flatshare 4 days a week and so hardly saw his kids. In the end only his wife and daughter rode, his 2 sons weren’t interested.
Thats a pretty miserable life from where i sit

Just something I’ve been thinking of, as someone who is going to be in the position of bringing horses home, albeit for different reasons.

You’re on full livery 5/7 of the time.

If I were you, I’d insist that they do a full year of DIY before considering this because that’s going to the reality of life. The nice part is ‘oh I can see my horse out of the window. Read all the other posts from people who already have horses at home. If they can’t fit it in before school or work then guess what? They can’t fit it in at home either!

This will be a really good way of testing the water.

When we move to a small holding, I already know I’ll have to have a part time groom/stable hand because neither my husband or I can care for horses nor do we want to take responsibility beyond the basics because we don’t have the knowledge. Ours will be a home for ponies and horses she rides at home while she takes her main horse to 6th form and uni with her (it needs somewhere for the holidays which is forcing our move). Your situation is different - they want them at home to be more ‘equestrian’ so they need to trial that out first.

What about his mental health & happiness? He’s a person, his sole role in life shouldn’t be to keep everyone else happy.

Personally I think it's draw dropping just how expensive keeping horses is. My daughter is a horse person, she used to work at a stables where customers would regularly spend 20k on a horse that they barely looked after or rode more than a couple of times a week. They even paid other people to ride them along with high livery costs. If I spent that on a horse I would want to get my money's worth and to ride it as often as possible.

That said, I do think you as a family have fallen down a rabbit hole, there doesn't seem to of been a budgeted for or capped, it's just kept growing. So I guess she's just asking to continue as you have done before. Do you have examples of the house and land she wants to buy? Will having them at home offset the high livery costs?

the7Vabo
sounds like you wouldn’t give a shit even if he did!

What point is that is response to? I wouldnt give a shit about what?

Words of wisdom from my husband. To preface, he married me when I was already a fully signed up equestrian, therefore, it’s entirely his fault that he didn’t run when he had the chance!
If the horses are at home, you will save money on fuel. They will also save time travelling. As they don’t have other equestrians around them, they are more likely to not get distracted at the barn and so when they say I’ll only be an hour there’s a good chance that they will in fact only be two hours and not six. They will also spend less money on livery add ons. The property is therefore an investment.
As an equestrian though, I will say you need to have an honest conversation because if you genuinely don’t want this lifestyle and your wife does you have a problem that won’t go away. I was upfront from the start, my horses were before and are far more likely to be here after. We’ve just celebrated 15 yrs and he actually tolerates them now. A couple of them he’s even liked, and one he actually loved. P.s 25k depending on where you are may still be an underestimate!

Saying this on behalf of a friend.....If your DH is having an affair, putting horse smegma on the exhaust manifold of his car will stop him using it to pick up his side piece.

I don't know this personally you understand😏

That sounds like hell to me personally, and I would hate fishing

there is an old saying in the countryside where i live " horses are what girls do between barbies and boys" in other words the girls will grow out of this. they will leave home in the next 6 years probably and you will be left in a house you dont like with horses that only one person can and wants to ride. and then your partner is going to ask you to pay someone to care for them, to ride them etc. just say no. they are complete money pits.