To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

Wow you do a lot already for a hobby that isn’t yours. I would absolutely draw the line at moving somewhere I didn’t want to move to, that was more costly. I’m staggered at the temerity of your family thinking that they can just steamroll you into doing this. I suspect they’ve got their way many times and collectively the girls think if they flutter their eyelashes at you, they’ll get their own way.

I read this to DH, he looked out of our kitchen window at the pony paddock, shrugged and said you need to take up cricket @tommyknocker1982.
In all seriousness, we’ve decided not to bring the horses home and the paddock is going to be rented to a local farmer. We’ve also stopped at one horse because I haven’t got the time (or money!) for two and he, as non horsey husband, does enough already. We are on DIY livery at a local yard and pay for turn out and bring in so our costs are lower but I can see how 2 on 5 day livery could easily cost £25k!
He pays nothing for the horses, it’s all funded from my salary. There have always been horses since we met so he knew what he was getting into and accepted the inevitability of DD becoming obsessed.
He always wanted to have the rural lifestyle though and it sounds like you don’t which is the main problem

I think you've been more than generous and I feel she's pushing the boundaries now. As you both want different things, there has to be a halfway measure. Does she know how miserable it would make you living in the middle of nowhere? I couldn't force something like that on my DH.

Its a simple equation. Does your joint household income support having the horses/lifestyle?

You have already made big sacrifices to have the two you already have and from your attitude towards it i think you cant afford it comfortably. It sounds like your wife now wants the next step in the process and you need to be very careful here.

1. She sees it as vital and she takes you into an extremely dangerous place financially and also in your relationship

2. You put your foot down and ruin the balance in your relationship with both your wife and damage your relationship with your girls.

If it was me i would explain to her that you are not able to afford to move and have the fantasy life she desires. Explain that the life she pictures would probably only be for a few years anyhow and that once the girls move on, she will be left with a situation you cant enjoy or afford. Dont be surprised if there is a lot of resentment.

The suggestion of putting both horses on DIY livery is a good one, then your girls and wife will have a taste of what its really like instead of just playing at it like a weekend hobby - and you should not be included on their rota. The descriptions given above show that there is a lot more to full time care of horses than just rocking up and doing a bit before riding.

I wouldn’t be happy either, i genuinely don’t get the fascination with horses either. I went with my friend to collect her daughter from the stables a couple of weeks ago and nearly gagged on the stench.

I voted YANBU but could this potentially end your marriage if you can’t agree over this? Would you be ok with that? Could you move to Devon where land is way cheaper? To be honest though, I wouldn’t want to live that lifestyle either and if DH was absolutely insistent on it then I’d be very torn over our future.

Seriously?

OP, a decision as big as where you live has to be a joint decision. You and your DW either agree on a course of action or, if neither of you is prepared to do what the other wants, you separate.

I love my DH but if he were suddenly randomly addicted to horses and insisted on moving to somewhere in the back end of beyond with loads of land and pushed me to work more hours to fund the horse obsession, I wouldn't agree to that life.

I guess the difference is that in your case you presumably knew your wife was into horses from the start. However, you didn't initially sign up to this horse-heavy life. You don't have to go along with it.

If she chooses the horses over you, will you be able to live with that? Might sound silly but I don't know how deep her desire for this life goes. And if the two of you got divorced and lived separately, could she fund the lifestyle she wants without you?

Yabu to already be spending that much a year. Absolute madness. I say tgat as someone who has horses.

Well equally one could say they will not be happy if he is unhappy ( except we know they don't care) and living in a town/ city and not having horses is also not a hardship.

OP, do not move. I moved from a city to a semi-rural area ( we have three local farms within a five/ten minute drive), and it sucks. I would move back to a city in a heartbeat. Its pretty here but brain stultifying - I hate the lack of life, opportunity, buzz, and things to do. I hate the monoculture.

Moving to somewhere hate and where you cannot have the life that satisfies you will destroy your marriage anyway. So don't move. Living where you are and the family having horses IS the family compromise. Moving rurally is your wife and kids not compromising but having everything on their terms. That is not a marriage nor a partnership. Do not move.

Nope x no way and I’d love a horse, honestly I’d move to a diy yard, let them get up early in the dark and mud if they love them so much, that would save you a bit straight away. Vet bills and farrier are what they are really. But I wouldn’t lay someone else to clean them either, do it themselves. Honestly I wouldn’t have let it get this far especially if I didn’t even have any interest. Your kids can ride and have that horse lifestyle without haemorrhaging that kind of money. It’s ok to say no or you find it if you want it

Why on earth are you letting your dad do it? Presumably for your / your mum's horse?

People that get in to horses tend to get obsessed and I have only ever met women who are like this, knew loads as grew up rurally. One sister and one niece worked in a livery yard for rides as my family were too poor for horses.

Living rurally sounds great and big parts are but it’s honestly a bit shit sometimes and I was happy to leave.

If she kicks off about not moving, who is the legal owner of the horses? I’m not suggesting you sell them more if a divorce if it came to it, who would be liable?

Also in six years if life progresses naturally those daughters will have left home and if you live rurally it’s very unlikely they will return post University as work is more limited. You will be stuck in the countryside with your Catherine the Great.

Honestly, I'd reel this right back. I'd agree to pay half of daughters' horse related costs and tell wife that since she wants this, it's on her to pay for it. I'd put my foot down about moving and would not take on additional work to pay for all this. She's treating you like a cash cow and is showing no consideration for your preferences.
She don't see how hard this all is, until she has to foot the bill and do all the work for it.

Don’t listen to all these green eyed monsters OP. They are just jealous of your wife’s lifestyle and so are encouraging you to put a stop to it. Speak to her and come to a sensible compromise that you are both happy with if you can. If not, then you really compatible as a couple?

What a ridiculous comment. The way they are living now IS the compromise ( in fact given how much OP does and pays its still more in his wife's favour). Moving would no longer be a compromise, it would be OP living entirely on his wife's terms).

OP, as other's say. Horses are so time consuming you will never see your wife and kids anyway if you move. They will spend all their time on the horses. I know two husbands of horsey wives and they both complain of never seeing their wives as they are always with the horses.

Definitely get her to move to a DIY yard first. Preferably one with basic facilities and no help available from the YO. One where you need to order in your own forage and bedding (preferably with very limited storage space)/sort out electric fencing and battery yourself. That will give a much better idea of what it will be like. Then keep suggesting holidays/weekends away/days out that will need organising around the horses.

Say no. I have two much younger daughters and a non-horsey husband. I have three horses which I fund myself. We have talked about if the girls want a pony one day it would be a joint cost, but I would feel incredibly guilty if I steam rollered my husband into funding a lifestyle he didn’t want while I was working part time. Do you spend £8k a year on your own hobbies?(£25k/3). How would a larger mortgage affect your ability to pay into your pension etc?
have you talked about what would happen if one horse died (as you can’t keep two on their own)? Holiday cover? Time off for vet/farrier/physio visits?
Livery is expensive but in the depths of winter when it’s cold and wet I often find myself wishing I was paying someone else to do the chores!

OP why weren’t you already working full time?

Exactly this!
He is already living the compromise, working an extra day, driving the horse lorry when they need to go out and about, agreeing to buy a horse trailer and 4x4.
Moving to a more rural area, saddling yourself with a massive mortgage that you will be responsible for paying the majority of is not a compromise!

What a silly response. Accept you’re going to have to work for longer to buy a house you don’t want so your partner can have an animal in a field. There has already been a lot of compromise.

Hmmm.

I am a horsey girl. We didhave a pony for our eldest, but I made it as cheap as possible. I would like another - we have some land so can get 1 up to 15hh. But out eldest chose skating - which is actually a lot cheaper surprisingly.

The way I would want to have horses I would need to be earning 6 figures yearly.

BUT, it has to be a lifestyle that you BOTH want. I think the fact that you help when your not that into it is amazing. No way my OH would. HE doesn't even drive the kids to any hobbies!

What is it that you do for you? And can you do that if you moved?

I agree that given the ages of the kids to move is a bit daft now. Maybe when they were smaller, then you would downsize and stick the remaining horses in livery when they head to uni - or get them to go to Hartpury and take them with them (if they still do that)!
To have a house in the country with land you need to be willing - or financially able - to do all the needed upkeep till you pop yer clogs. Also, you have 2 kids - would you be able to get something either is likely to be able to take on, or afford to buy the other out of, after you pop?
Would THEY want that?
Its a lifestyle you need to be ALL in for.

I have to admit, I am not one for expecting that someone has to make sure that his partners dreams are fulfilled, if they are not considering theirs. It has to work for both - and the kids.

YANBU, and as someone who once had a very expensive horse habit, I look back and ask myself whether I wasn't being just a little bit selfish all that time.

Bringing the horse home would never have worked for me and my husband would have resented how difficult it would have become to go away.

Well, in this case it's trickier...but would this change benefit you in any shape or form? What would you get from this move and from spending so much?

She's not listening but expects you to work more to fund her horses? And go into even more debt to live someplace you don't want to live so she can have horses? You didn't sign up for that and I'd sit down and tell her it's a marriage ender at this point. The horses go or the marriage does and she can fund them herself.

Buy your own..............

Traction engine

Seriously though my wife and I kept chickens - no more than a dozen at a time for over a decade.

A combination of a rather vicious last flock and bird flu made us decide to give it up. Its surprising looking back how much work it was especially in winter going out in all weathers to let them out or lock them up plus of course finding someone to do it when we went away.

Horses - thats something else plus of course all the work involved in maintaining the land

Completely agree with this.

The condition of buying our horse was that it was DIY livery and my daughter did all the graft, and she has done since she was young. Up at the crack of dawn mucking out, haynets, water changes, poo picking, field checks, fixing fencing, turn out and then back in the evening. Every single day, rain or shine, and she has. I do it when she’s unwell or if I have a free day because I enjoy it. You do the hard work and get the reward.