To not want to spend more money on horses?

[tommyknocker1982]

My wife and I are at loggerheads on this, so I'm looking for outside opinions...

Bit of background - we're in our 40's and both work, and we have 2 daughters, 15 and 12. I don't ride but my wife and daughters do. We bought our first horse a couple of years ago. I was firmly against it, but my family appealed constantly, and my wife provided a breakdown of the costs, which turned out to be a wild underestimate.

A year later, that horse had some health issues and my wife said he wasn't suitable for our youngest daughter. So, I switched to work full time and we bought a second horse. Since then, the horse related costs have escalated endlessly (vets, van hire, trips to the saddlery...) and I'd guess we now spend around £25k a year on horses.

I've agreed to getting a 4x4 and horse trailer, but the next ask is that my wife wants us to move to a "house with land", so that she can keep the horses at home.

And this is where we clash. Acres of land in the south east is expensive, and would mean either moving into a worse house than we have now, or taking out a huge mortgage. I don't want an equestrian lifestyle. I don't want the extra maintenance, I don't like the smell, and I don't want to live in a rural backwater so I can have animals staring at me through my kitchen window. Am I being unreasonable to say "no, I don't want to spend any more on horses"?

I Am Being Unreasonable - I should agree to my wife's demand. Live a life I don't want, and probably face more escalating costs even with them living with us at home.

I Am NOT Being Unreasonable - I say "enough is enough". We spend enough already and need to draw a line under it.

No it really isn't. For the girls, maybe, but I would never have expected my husband to pay one penny of what it cost to keep my horses.

I wonder how far your wife would go to support you and facilitate a similarly expensive and time/money-consuming hobby that she didn't share?

Is the rural horsey house a deal breaker for her?
If it is, then sadly you are heading for divorce.

LOL !! Hellloooo horse husband. Firmly in the horse wife life here to my ever suffering husband. I voted YANBU as even though i am through and through horsey. Horses are f’in money pits, time consuming, expensive and soul sucking, even more so to those that don’t have the love.

Lets be realistic all of us would love our horses at home but the large mortgage is detrimental. 95% of us are stuck on livery yards.

Also unwritten rule between the horse community … you NEVER add up the expenses 🙈 £140 on shoes every 6 weeks of course. £90 physio appointment, of course. Private lesson to get that pesky 1 pole nipped in the bud … of course. Water goes up £12 a month at home- outrageous we need to cut back 😂

You sound like a great husband and father but in danger of becoming a doormat. Don't be a walkover, your wife should count her blessings. Say enough is enough and you have reached your limit. Listen to the people on here who knows what they are talking about regarding having horses at home. It would appear to be a lot more time consuming and hardwork than just rocking up to livery stables.

This is what happened to a friend of mine. Her and her daughter's unhealthy obsession with horses drove the husband into another woman's arms.

I'm not saying that what he did was right, but it was understandable.
Mum and daughter were never at home because they were always at the stables and they spent so little time together as a family. He felt lonely and unwanted. Also, as a low income family the expense must have been a bone of contention.

The daughter drew and painted nothing but horses for her art GCSE, and she did a horse related degree. TBH they became horse bores and stopped seeing anyone who wasn't as passionate about horses as they were, and only mix with other people in the horse world.

I freely admit that I just don't get it because I like lots of things, but am not obsessed with any one thing in particular and I'm not especially fond of horses

LOL nope. Sounds like hell to me.

Have just seen your on 5 day livery ! Your wife is in for a shock if she brings them home.

I have always been DIY livery its hard work, muck out before work, back to bring in. If you want a holiday you need to arrange them to be looked after. Does she know how to source haylage, straw/ shavings. Maintenance of fencing, poo picking regimes, worming regimes, field rotation for grazing, harrowing for good summer grass, trash paddock for winter so you still have winter turnout but don’t compromise your summer grass.

And me. Getting up at 5.30 in winter to break the ice in a water bucket and feed and water your horse in the dark is nothing to be jealous of. Nor is the daily commitment and expense of owning a horse.

TBH I find that horse obsessed people don't get that the rest of us aren't the slightest bit interested in horses.

Or he could just divorce her and she can go and be happy/bully someone else into doing what she wants. Feeding someone else’s ‘addiction’ is never a good thing, and OP doesn’t share the hobby - actively dislikes it in fact, so why on earth should he uproot himself and work more to immerse himself in/pay for something he hates ?

I had ponies as a child and my dad said "you may as well feed them fivers" he would have to say £10 or £20 these days.
I would love a horse but I accept that although we are comfortably off, it would impact on our lives too much. Real horse people don't get that reality!

I assume she works at least PT get her to pay at least half and talk about paying half of a bigger mortgage, she needs to see SHE can't afford the lifestyle she wants.

How does it work when your daughters leave home? She won't want to sell the horses!

ETA If she is on week day livery she will not get the drudgery of having a horse at home. Mine were native ponies on our own land, so lived out most of the year, but getting up in the dark and cold and wet to muck out, feed, etc is a ballache as a teenager before school.

Also if she works 4 days she pays her own way and her share of your daughters expenses (and mortgage etc as above)

YANBU but how the hell are you spending 25k a year on horses??

(I own a horse)

EDIT - sorry I missed your cost breakdown. Can’t you move to DIY or even assisted? Full livery is a huge cost. I guess you would save that if you did move, but I still don’t think you’re being unreasonable. There has to be a line drawn somewhere.

How do you know that you’re going to have horse mad daughters before you get married? And that your wife will enjoy the horsey hobby and join in too? People change/get new interests over time..

I’m not a horsey person so haven’t too much idea of what it costs to keep horses (or even care for them- sheath cleaning sounds grim 🤢) but when it comes to expensive hobbies I think it’s totally unreasonable to fund a lifestyle that you don’t want to buy into.
DH and I used to have a wooden sailing yacht that took up a lot of money and time to moor and maintain (the annual fit out was a hard slog of painting and varnishing). The main difference from your situation is that both of us were on the same page when it came to the hobby so we split the expenses from our salaries. Plus we were independently sailing mad when we met.

In your shoes I'd refuse. I think those posters saying suck it up, 3 against 1 etc are being disingenuous. You e already compromised hugely, you spend loads of your share of family money on horses, you give up your own time for the horses etc. They are already a big part of your lives and your daughters are hugely privileged to have their own horses to facilitate their hobby. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say you don't want to make a significant furthwr lifestyle change which will cost a load of money to do something you have no interest in. Presumably st the moment it's possible to go away on holiday etc as you just need to find someone to look after the horses at the yard on the weekend. What would happen at home? You'd also get roped into more care as your kids get older and leave home etc. It would be a flat no from me. Yes marriage is about compromise but it seems you have done all the compromising- how does your wife support (financially, lifestyle changes etc) your hobbies?

You're allowed to have boundaries, OP.

If you don't want to extend your horse-related financial liabilities then you should be able to say that. You're already in for £25k a year which it sounds like you're accepting of. That is more than generous!

Draw a line!

You should stand your ground. Horses are unbelievably expensive and time consuming and you always have the risk of injury which means not only a huge bill but a horse which is worth nothing.

Horses also take up a huge amount of family life. They make holidays difficult, partly due to the fact that all the competitions etc take place in school holidays and at weekends and of course someone to look after them while you’re away is expensive and stressful.

We did ponies and horses for years and at one time had 9. But looking back on it now whilst the early pony club days were absolutely incredible and gave my children life long friends, I often think that it was a mistake to start competing at the higher levels.

It really isn’t fair OP. You have no interest in the hobby and are working more than you want/would otherwise need to, in order to fund it. Total immersion in someone elses’ obsession is a step too far.

Stupid comment. Not everyone wants to live in the countryside; I personally would find it a hardship.
Working full-time because you want to and/or to finance things you're enthusiastic about is one thing, but doing it to finance someone else's interests is quite different.
Also, it's a good point about the ages of the OP's children. It won't be long before the OP and his wife are essentially left alone in the country with the horses.
OP, your wife is being selfish and demanding. I agree if a woman posted about a man's hobby/lifestyle desires dominating her life, there'd be uproar.

You sound like a very reasonable man but land - even a field needs looking after (fencing/tree work/gates). You're doing enough as it is. Also, I keep an eye on the property market where I live and I have never known more expensive houses sit on the market like they are now - I'd be cautious of buying a difficult to sell property - if you do decide to do it, you really need to understand the housing market and be confident you could re-sell if you needed to. Given the ages of your children though, I wouldn't put yourself through the pressures of additional mortgage/maintenance etc for a few short years - your girls will be off in next to no time. I'd much prefer to set them up with a deposit for a home if I had that sort of cash.

Horses are like several hobbies combined in one. There's the 'pet' aspect, the 'hobby' aspect and the 'exercise' aspect (particularly prevalent if your DW or DDs compete).

We had our pony (shared between me and the kids) in a friend's field. Native pony, cheap to keep, easy to do, and only used for fun. So he didn't cost us a huge amount, apart from feed, shoes, teeth, vet. But once the bug bites and you want something slightly livelier, and then you start to want to do something with it, like compete, the costs start to rocket.

We stopped at the 'pet and hobby' end of the spectrum, so our lad was basically cuddled a lot and the children groomed and rode round the fields. But I knew that if we went just one step further it was going to cost a fortune.

So, OP, is there any chance that you could ask your DW to peg it back a bit? But if the desire to compete has taken hold then I doubt very much you will have much luck and you might have to suggest that your DW finances more of the costs than you do (she might have to take another job, which will reduce her time available for the horses though).

You’re a saint

Why are you doing Sunday afternoon? Their horse their job. Why are you doing the work when the girls go away? Same applies. Your wife should be doing that if the girls aren't. Dont waste your precious day off. No wonder she can't see how unreasonable she's being when you are picking up the slack. Stop. Do not change your life for this you will be miserable

full livery is the lazy or rich persons way. diy and being in a rota for turnout is the way to go for most of us.

why is your wife not looking after the horses even on her week day off? is there no option for three or four day full livery? it in the middle of nowhere so impractical to get to or what? does she just want the fun but not the slog - at your expense!?

is she into the best of the best that youre having to pay for? why all these trips to buy stuff? i bet they just don’t need the half of it. NEED and WANT are two different things. she needs to get her finger out and earn more if she wants more. it’s a good hobby and can be done more cheaply.

i, like many others, was up at the crack of dawn looking after my own horses. every day including christmas and new year.

your wife doesnt even muck out yet thinks she’d be fine keeping horses at home 24/7. Shes in for a shock to the system.

Nope. i wouldnt do this house move for her unless she proves she can. on the face of it she/they sounds lazy and entitled. but perhaos im mistaken as i dont know the full position.

if your family is so horsey orientated they need to be up at 6am to do turnout.

what happens is usually that feeds for all horses are left outside their stables. First person up in the morning drops the buckets into each one over the stable door. the horses will already be wearing their rugs for the daytime if they need them. once they have eaten they are put out in the field for the day. In the summer thwy can live out 24/7 but i’m thinking ahead to winter as rotas will be gettimg set up now so that’s good timing.

So if you get a rota you help each other so you don’t need to be up as much. EG i put yours, mine and julie's two horses out on monday, julie does them all tuesday, you do them wednesday, julie does them again (shes got two so it’s only fair) etc. so you only have to be up there a couple of weekdays providing you can find others to rota up wirh you.

At night the horses need brought back in. You can do a rota arrangement for that now and again (eg im out tuesdays can someone do my horse then and i’ll do yours another night youre out?) but most people are up to do for their own and then ride it.

Mucking or skipping out needs done daily, (perhaps with a bigger effort on the weekend) haynets need filled and hung, water buckets need cleaned and refilled, rugs need changed, hard feed (ie bucket feed) needs done.

It’s a lot of work. But it’s part of the fun. Tell your wife she needs to consider other options as the costs are spiralling. That only after she proves she can do it all will you even “consider” a move.

As for the sheath cleaner, the horse may have needed a sedation jag to let it all hang out for a good clean now and again. You cannot have that for £30 or whatever as it’s the vet and therefore dear.

I wouldn’t either. Want to spend more money on horses.
The fixation on them is now affecting your whole life. And she is not being reasonable. Does she suggest how the costs would be met ? Where does she want to move to and how does she know a house in the price bracket would be available once yours is sold ?
She is living in cloud cuckoo land. I would stand firm, don’t move and ask her reasonable questions until the penny drops.
She has horses, she has an expensive hobby. She cannot have your home too.
No. Just say no.

I had horses for nearly 40 years. In the last ten years I sole rented a field (one had stables but the last one didn’t). The field rent was £160 a month. The horses were barefoot. I sectioned off the field and strip grazed it well so that I only ended up spending around £200 a year on hay for when the grass ran out at the end of winter. They were all native ponies, but large ones. Hard feed was kept to the minimum needed. Largest expense was medication for arthritis but even that wasn’t too bad. My point is that you can keep horses for less but of course I had to do all the work myself. Husband did help but I mostly paid for the horses myself. I gave up as the work was becoming too hard (I had 3 at this point). I found fields by knocking on doors locally. The livery arrangement sounds crippling, I would see if there is any compromise on finding a way to reduce costs.