To feel like I’ve missed out on life by not having had this?

[Utttt10]

In short, I’m almost 40, one ds age 4, single parent, ex barely involved.

In my twenties I was attractive and smart and extremely lucky in many ways but I often dated the ‘wrong’ men. I know part of the reason I am alone now is because of those choices. But then I also see people meeting someone at 38 and going on to have 3 kids. Since a very traumatic break up with DS’s dad a few years ago, I lost all faith in relationships and sort of closed off to it all.

Here I am almost middle aged and no prospect of having more children or having a marriage. Even my experience of motherhood was damaged by ex’s truly awful behaviour. I do have some good things in my life and of course I adore ds. But gosh I never thought I would never experience a real true love, a committed relationship. Someone to renovate a bathroom with or chat to in bed on a Friday night.

I am not sure i even feel sad about it anymore but i certainly feel I’m missing out on a whole part of life that realistically most people have at some point or at least for some part of their life. Not sure what I’m asking really. Just feels a bit shit.

No, everyone's different.

@soothingaloevera they are but I genuinely don’t know anyone (literally) who has gone through life never having had at least one meaningful relationship

There's lots of time to meet that person.
You're only 40.
Keep an open mind and you never know who might come into your life.
X

Truth be told, many people just settle.

Everyone experiences life differently, and I would say most do not in the way you describe.
I married at 40, had two kids, then my DH passed away suddenly after seven years.
My sister had a baby who is profoundly autistic and the father left almost immediately after the birth.
A good friend has two lovely kids and DH but has had breast cancer twice.
Another’s life looks perfect from the outside til her DH was done for tax evasion and spent a year in jail.
So rather than lament what you haven’t had, look at what you do.
And I know several women who just haven’t met the ‘right’ guy and then find themselves single and childless. But not necessarily unhappy!

@StressedOutPeanut I wish I had now though

Just want to give support. I think a lot of women have more or less a similar experience.

The problem is now that I have a general feeling of distain towards men after some awful experiences with them

@mondaytosunday so sorry to read this. ❤️Thank you for posting

But you have, in a way had one meaningful relationship? As you have your son?

A good friend of mine is 43 and never had any kind of relationship. She has also never been “taken” on a date and never had a man pay for a date!

I have never lived with a romantic partner. My mom’s late best friend was in her 50s when she met her partner. Her first serious boyfriend. It’s probably rare but I doubt it is as rare as you think.

Well, meeting someone really nice is not off the cards, although having children with them may be. I know people who have met the love of their life in their 60s, and are blissfully happy.

Focus on living your best life now with your DS, he'll be 20 before you know it. Be happy!

In a way you did. For your DS dad.

Or do you mean settle for a man who liked you and was decent but who you simply were bot interested in?

You're much more likely to meet someone and fall in love than someone who is "trapped" in a marriage for whatever reason.

Have you dont the work on yourself to know what else you want from life and help you to make choices in the future that help you build a life for yourself that you fall in love with. You can't turn back the clock but at only 40 there is a LOT of life left to live.

I've never had it either. I won't now. I'm only 44, but a single mother which makes it hard, and even if that didn't make it hard, I was forced into prostitution by a much older man when I was younger and couldn't face the thought of being in a relationship now.
I would either have to hide my past which I don't want, or tell someone and have them be disgusted; and that's assuming I could stand to have someone touch me again in the first place.

I wish I could have had that though. I don't think I was ever loved for myself, or even liked very much. Just for sex.

I was 39 when I met DH 40 when I had DS, 41 when I got married and 42 when I had DD. Also moved to our dream home somewhere between the wedding and having DD. Hang in there OP!

You just never know, OP. A friend of mine was a single mother of three boys in her early forties and one day the new milkman turned up on her doorstep. They went on to marry and she had a daughter in her mid forties.

You’re only 40. You’re not dead. I don’t understand how you can write off your chances.

I’m much older than you, married with two kids. On the face of it my life looks pretty great and it is in many ways, but my marriage isn’t a magical love affair (we’re more good friends who co parent) and I’ve never had that all encompassing love with any previous relationships either, not reciprocated anyway. The point is not many people have it all, even if they appear to. Whenever I get maudlin over what ifs I just try to have some gratitude for what I do have, which is actually a great deal. Would have it been amazing to have a wonderful romantic relationship in my lifetime? Sure, but it didn’t happen and I don’t imagine it ever will (I’m certainly not looking for it, as I said I’m married and I am committed to that). We don’t all get to have great loves, the actual loves of my life are my children and I’m so grateful I get to have that. Try to see the glass as half full, besides which you’re not even 40 yet! There is still very much time to meet someone.

I'm 56, would like to think i might experience love again without the previous complications. Not doing anything to make it happen though 😕

You have to have a positive outlook and a belief something good could happen - it won't just come knocking on your door (unlike the milkman in a previous post - even then, some interest must have been shown by the woman!)

BTW among my family, friends & colleagues, I know several people who have never had a significant relationship and many are a lot older than you. They live happy, productive lives.

I am unshakable in my belief that it's better to be alone than with one of the vast number of dickish men out there. There are worse things than being alone. Having a partner is no guarantee they will help you with renovating the bathroom or want to have a conversation with you at night.

But if it's something that's important to you, you have time. Keep dating.

One of my school friends started her first relationship in her late 40s. She is now 50 and has been married for about a year. It's too late for children of her own, but she has a stepson. All families are different.

Amongst my closest friends, one is happily married but will always be a carer for her disabled daughter. Their son is unable to work or move out due to ill health.

Another is fighting cancer, and has two children that give her lots to worry about. One of them is now in work, but the other (mid-20s) has never had a job.

Another has had loads of relationships, the longest lasting about a decade. She had a child with her husband of four years, and ended up raising her completely alone.

Another is in her 50s and has never met the right guy. Fortunately, she never wanted children, but she would like a companion.

Two of my friends married later and had a couple of children each, and things seem to be generally OK. This seems far from the norm, based on this small sample of my friendship group.

I've been married since I was 22, have a nice husband and had my two kids either side of 30. Six months ago, we lost our 17 year old daughter to suicide. The other one has had substance abuse issues.

Why do you think it can't still happen?
I met my partner when I was your age, and a single mum.

I HAD been married before but my exh was abusive and certainly not the love I had been wanting. I swore off men for years after I left my exh

I've been together with my partner for nearly 14 years now. Not married, and no children together, but we've been through a lot together, both good and bad, and he is my rock, exactly who I needed both back then and now. I didn't know what it was really like to experience love until I met him.

This.

I have a friend who has just embarked on his first romantic relationship at the age of 56. You never know what is in the future