To feel like I’ve missed out on life by not having had this?

[Utttt10]

In short, I’m almost 40, one ds age 4, single parent, ex barely involved.

In my twenties I was attractive and smart and extremely lucky in many ways but I often dated the ‘wrong’ men. I know part of the reason I am alone now is because of those choices. But then I also see people meeting someone at 38 and going on to have 3 kids. Since a very traumatic break up with DS’s dad a few years ago, I lost all faith in relationships and sort of closed off to it all.

Here I am almost middle aged and no prospect of having more children or having a marriage. Even my experience of motherhood was damaged by ex’s truly awful behaviour. I do have some good things in my life and of course I adore ds. But gosh I never thought I would never experience a real true love, a committed relationship. Someone to renovate a bathroom with or chat to in bed on a Friday night.

I am not sure i even feel sad about it anymore but i certainly feel I’m missing out on a whole part of life that realistically most people have at some point or at least for some part of their life. Not sure what I’m asking really. Just feels a bit shit.

That is horrific. I'm so glad that you managed to get away from him. I hope things are going well for you now.

You have you and your ds! You have so much! And I am sorry, but you are still young, you can find your person still. I really think that.

A lot of ot is circumstances.

You say you want someone to live what I would call a plodding along life. Nothing wrong with that. But the men you were around probably weren't that type.

So if you want a plodding along life with a plodding along man then you need to go somewhere to meet plodding along men.

Tbh though, once you enjoy your own company, like really enjoy it and become confident in living life alone, it will occupy less of your thoughts.

You're 39 and have only been single a couple of years, I wouldn't write off love yet x

You have time for all that if you work on yourself. Maybe not more kids, but a good relationship.
(Mind you, I'm 47 and still in the "working on myself" part. But I'll get there)

Oh @Northernlights19
I’m so sorry. Please report him to the police. It’s not too late 💐

c

Marriage and kids are not the definition and purpose of life. Just because it's something most people do, doesn't mean it's a good or bad thing. It's just something people do. Others don't. It doesn't mean their life is less or lacking.

What is a waste of life is:

• not making the most of it
• not finding a purpose
• being horrible
• not learning
• not evolving
• being stagnant

Other than that, no, life isn't supposed to go a certain way.

I never thought I would never experience a real true love, a committed relationship. Someone to renovate a bathroom with or chat to in bed on a Friday night.

You can't possibly decide that that is your lot in life yet, you have lots of time. New people crop up where and when you least expect it.

Why would you want to meet someone at 38 and have three children. That’s my idea of a nightmare, you’d hardly know him before being knee deep in nappies for years.
You definitely have plenty of time to meet someone but don’t have more children, it complicates things.
Give yourself a five year plan. I would avoid relationships until then, raise DS for longer as a single parent.
There is loads of middle aged men divorced who would like a relationship without the pressure of more children, you might even like their children if they have some.
Trust me, you’ve plenty of time. Use the next five years to work on yourself, and DS. Do online courses, improve your job prospects if that’s an issue, do yoga, get to really know yourself, enjoy your life, think of all the women in bad relationships, don’t rush or risk getting into a relationship with a young child.

And many of them live lives wishing for something different to what they have!!
Remember the grass is not greener unless its had a load of bullshit on it!!

My Dsis met her wonderful partner after her 'DH' left her after an affair. She was 39yrs and she is so much better suited to him but for quite a while she was on her own.

Dont give up hope but look around at all the good things you do have. A friend used to say you can feel sorry for yourself you just can't wallow there x

Renovate a bathroom with?

I think you need to be attracted to them first 😂

If anything should tell you that 'settling' isn't always cracked up to be is to look at the amount of threads on here about their partners. There's an awful lot of people who are unhappy, treated badly and some are trapped through finances who would love to get away and live your life instead.

Real, steady, happy partnerships are not as common as you may think, despite what you see on the outside. My parents were married for years but I know my mum desperately wanted to get away from him for the last 20 years of their marriage - that's a long time to spend unhappy.

I agree with the other posters, treasure what you have. You don't know what's around the corner, partner wise so keep an open mind (but no more bad boys!) and yes, you're still young enough - if lucky you're only half way through! In the mean time, enjoy every moment, take joy in the little things, get out with friends, family and live a little. These kinds of things I think are more important than having a significant other. A special person should be the icing on the cake but they are not responsible for our living our best regardless or our happiness.

Go easy OP. Don't regret too many any choices you made, you've a lovely child and that's brilliant regardless of the state of his dad. Hugs.

This is classic perimenopause too. The daunting feelings judging yourself.
To think about things in perspective, imagine you did settle down with your ex would you be sitting down chatting on a Friday? Would he help renovate the bathroom? I doubt it.
Be careful what you romanticise.
I bet your DS is adorable, enjoy him.

This is awful, I'm so sorry

You may not feel very young but forty is no age at all, especially by today's standards. You have a child which is a blessing. Please try to relax and concentrate more on the good things in your life rather than regretting not having others.

I predict that, in time, you will meet a really nice man and experience real love, for you and for your daughter. That is more likely to happen if you appreciate what you have and are happy in yourself. Confidence and contentment are attractive qualities.

What sort of work do you do? Having a fulfilling job is very important.

Your 40 not 80 you have a lovely daughter with someone you had a meaningful relationship with.

You say you was attractive smart I'm sure you still are get yourself out there have fun enjoy, you don't need a man or a relationship to do that I'm sure you have plenty of friends.

I'm 55 my partner of 30 years died 18 months ago my whole life turned upside down I was totally financially dependent on him, I have gone and got a job I now sometimes party with the 18 and 20 year old at work and just try to have fun and do what I want to do.

You are certainly not too old and beyond finding what you want again.

You'll need to open your mind and heart first OP. If you feel angry and prejudiced towards all men because of your ex then you are not in the right head space for a relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. You are not too old, the next few years are tricky with a young DD but you have many years ahead of you. There are many good men out there but there's no guarantees either. I'm sure you already know a bad relationship is the worst outcome, being single is a better option. But if you are ready emotionally to open yourself to meeting someone then go for it. I believe nothing just happens, romance and friendships, much like job opportunities, have to be sought out. You'll need to be proactive and put yourself in situations where you could meet someone.

I also think everyone feels this feeling by 40 but in different ways. I met Dh young and although we were always happy together I missed out on so much. I didn't have friendships as strong as other people who are single longer, I never went on a girls holiday or had a one night stand or am exciting fling. My friend who met her Dh later in life feels quite the opposite, she laments that she didn't get to experience life with him when they were both younger and she feels like they wasted years on other people when they could have been together. We all have a version of it. The good news is you can do something about the future and make the best of the many years ahead of you.

I'm sorry as well that is awful

Hilarious but true

The support and kindness on this thread is the best of mumsnet

Turning 40 can be a crap time as well I remember my dad died 2 months before, I wasn't getting on with my partner I proper went off the rails and felt so awful.

Give yourself a break 😊

I'm 40, single and a mum to one child (7, we broke up before he was born so single for 7.5 ish)and feel the same about more DC and marriage etc being off the table now. I did have one good relationship a very long time ago but I was way too young to really appreciate it. (17-19)

DC dad was, in hindsight, a bit of a rebound situation after my longest relationship (different one) that admittedly was great at first, but was toxic for much longer. The change in him messed with my head a lot. I had thought he was the one so I suppose I thought I was experiencing it, until it became clear it wasn't. When something that started out so well still didn't work out I think I stopped believing in it all together which maybe is a bit sad, but I am not sad, I realise I am much happier on my own than I am with the wrong men and I'm ok with it. It's certainly not what younger me expected life to look like though. It would take the most perfect man to unexpectedly fall from the sky and land at my feet now to consider changing anything.
I definitely know married people that are less happy/more stressed as well. I don't think being in a marriage always looks like what you think you have missed out on!

So sorry about your loss 💐