To feel like I’ve missed out on life by not having had this?

[Utttt10]

In short, I’m almost 40, one ds age 4, single parent, ex barely involved.

In my twenties I was attractive and smart and extremely lucky in many ways but I often dated the ‘wrong’ men. I know part of the reason I am alone now is because of those choices. But then I also see people meeting someone at 38 and going on to have 3 kids. Since a very traumatic break up with DS’s dad a few years ago, I lost all faith in relationships and sort of closed off to it all.

Here I am almost middle aged and no prospect of having more children or having a marriage. Even my experience of motherhood was damaged by ex’s truly awful behaviour. I do have some good things in my life and of course I adore ds. But gosh I never thought I would never experience a real true love, a committed relationship. Someone to renovate a bathroom with or chat to in bed on a Friday night.

I am not sure i even feel sad about it anymore but i certainly feel I’m missing out on a whole part of life that realistically most people have at some point or at least for some part of their life. Not sure what I’m asking really. Just feels a bit shit.

Are you me? I could have written this word for word!

I met my now DH at 42. Had my DD at 27, split with her father at 30. Had a brief relationship in between. When that ended vowed to stay on my own, bring up DD, focus on us, career, stability, healing, my confidence in who I am/was as a person. My DD was 14 when I met my now DH, we have been together for 18 years now.

Those years alone, me and my DD, were the best and very special. We did so much together, no more harm, it was bliss. But I made that happen. My DD thanks me for it. And now she has a loving DSF and DGD to her DC.

@Scruffmuffin so sorry about your daughter 💐

I am so terribly sorry for your loss scruffmuffn xx

Yes, this is true, many people do.

And that’s exactly what I thought, OP, when you described the people who meet someone at 38 and go on to have 3 kids.

And I’m not saying it’s necessarily a bad thing. I know some couples who have done just that. All of them are decent people and they rub along quite nicely together…..but I know that some of the women would never have looked twice at these men in their 20s.

So, is it settling? Or just being more realistic?

Equally, I’ve been married for 16 years. I have someone to renovate a bathroom with and chat to in bed on a Friday night. But he had an emotional affair a few years ago and now I’m left living with someone I can never fully trust.

Some people have loads of money, some people are skint, some people can’t have kids, some people have huge health issues.

I don’t mean to sound blasé, I really don’t, but try not to let the one thing you don’t have cloud everything you do have.

Finally, you are only 40. You can easily still meet someone.

I am so very sorry for your loss. We really never know what life is going to throw at us

Ohno I’m so sorry it’s posted so much! I will try to delete them!

It was a shock, to say the least.

YANBU. My friend is 43 and has a somewhat similar story. She genuinely feels sad about what she has potentially missed out on.

Your post made me cry! I am so sad this happened to you.

@ScruffMuffin, sending you love and condolences x

It sounds like you’ve had a pretty tough time of it OP. And it’s very easy to get caught up with the what-ifs and If-onlys, particularly when people around you seem to be breezing though life having followed the “right” formula.

(Bear with me on this next bit…) When my lovely dad got his terminal diagnosis, a wise older colleague said to me “you won’t feel it now but this experience will shape who you are yet to become”. I really didn’t want that experience, I wanted my dad not to die, but after the rawness of losing him faded a little I totally understood what she meant. Like we are the sum of all our experiences, good and bad. And that’s ok. Some we can mould and choose, and others we can’t. But we do grow from everything that happens.

Think of what you’ve gained from the shit your ex put you through - I bet you’re really strong emotionally, I bet you’re a lovely mummy to your son, I bet you’re very capable in lots of ways you forget to acknowledge, I bet you have strong values because you’ve seen first hand what happened with someone doesn’t. I bet, that if you really stopped and thought about it, you’re pretty bloody amazing. And the best part is, whilst you can’t control everything that happens to you, you do get to choose what you take from every situation, and what you leave behind.

There’s a yin to every yan, marriage and more kids isn’t the secret recipe to a better life. Don’t get tricked into thinking that please. That’s just societal norms lulling you into a false sense of assumed domestic bliss. I reckon the wisdom and strength you’ve gained from the adversity you’ve been through is a way way more powerful key to happiness than a man.

I hope you can feel pride rather than a lack of something, I think that’s a more helpful use of your emotional energy. Comparison is the thief of joy, grass is greener, and all that. Get happy with what you’ve got now and anything else is simply a bonus.

There’s still time. I met my lovely bloke when I was 49.

I met my now husband when I was 42, but we didn't get together. We used to turn up to the same conferences as part of our hobby and gravitated towards each other. We became Facebook friends and messaged in between conferences.

We finally got together in February 2016, at a mutual friends' wedding - they were also at the same conferences, hence our individual invitations to the same wedding. We moved in together at Christmas and married in 2023, delayed by the pandemic and buying our forever house.

It is possible to find someone. I don't usually quote song lyrics, but Will Young's All-Time Love fits:
Sometimes you walk by the good ones/'Cause you're trying too hard, too hard to see them

My DH and I had a major falling out the first weekend we met, and we were lucky that another friend told me I had misunderstood what happened. Otherwise I would have walked past him, too.

Don't give up.

My mum got married at 57. You could still have a marriage.

@Utttt10 I'm a similar age to you, OP. You've suggested that you wanted more children, although in my opinion I don't think having one child is unusual. Recently, I've taken note that a high number of my female colleagues only have one child, and only intend to have one child. "One and done." In other words, a lot of women seem to be in your position by choice.

Second, I'm not so sure if there are all that many people who have a wonderful relationship. The lucky people do. I've never had one. So again, although you are looking at other people and thinking that true love is a universal experience... I'm not so sure about that, as there are lots of people who aren't in those relationships. They're just not all that visible.

Met my husband at 35 when I was a single mum of two. He's the great love of my life. Never say never.

@ScruffMuffin @DreamingOfGeneHunt

💐💐 I'm so very sorry.

Have you had any therapy OP.

What's your relationship like with your Dad?

I married an abusive man at 25. Had a miserable 10 years. Single, homeless mum at 35. Now at almost 47, I have a blended family, a lovely man and I finally know what love is.

You’re only 39, you have plenty of time to meet someone you deserve x

I have a relative who, as far as I know, never been in a relationship or on a date. Lived with her mother until her mother died. Now lives alone. I always feel really sorry for her, but then I also hope that she's actually perfectly content with her situation. I've never felt like I can ask though.

I can appreciate why you would feel sad about not experiencing a "real true love". Especially as this concept is so romanticised in films and literature.

Perhaps if you open your mind up to the idea of finding a great love being a possibility for you, it might happen?

I met my now DH at your age. It hasn't always been straightforward but I'm really happy with him. My oldest friend met hers in her late sixties and is over the moon with him, and vice versa. It can happen if you're open to it. You're still young.

Try women?

I met the absolute love of my life… and we couldn’t be together because of circumstances. Spent 2 years in a situationship with them before finally calling it quits.
love isn’t everything.