To feel like I’ve missed out on life by not having had this?

[Utttt10]

In short, I’m almost 40, one ds age 4, single parent, ex barely involved.

In my twenties I was attractive and smart and extremely lucky in many ways but I often dated the ‘wrong’ men. I know part of the reason I am alone now is because of those choices. But then I also see people meeting someone at 38 and going on to have 3 kids. Since a very traumatic break up with DS’s dad a few years ago, I lost all faith in relationships and sort of closed off to it all.

Here I am almost middle aged and no prospect of having more children or having a marriage. Even my experience of motherhood was damaged by ex’s truly awful behaviour. I do have some good things in my life and of course I adore ds. But gosh I never thought I would never experience a real true love, a committed relationship. Someone to renovate a bathroom with or chat to in bed on a Friday night.

I am not sure i even feel sad about it anymore but i certainly feel I’m missing out on a whole part of life that realistically most people have at some point or at least for some part of their life. Not sure what I’m asking really. Just feels a bit shit.

Cheer up. You only have to spend a few mins looking at some of the threads here to realise how grim relationships can be. Keep interested and interesting, curate the best life you can, do a bit of good for others. Someone who deserves you will turn up when you least expect.

I could have written pretty much the same at 40 and I definitely felt that I had missed the boat of a 'proper' relationship. Now in my early 50's, Dd is an adult and I've met someone really great. I don't regret anything, I've had a career I love, a child, great times with friends and family. Lots of people whose life appears to tick the right boxes don't have all those things. And I still get to experience falling in love, with, hopefully, plenty of time left to enjoy it. It really isn't too late.

Most people settle, divorce rate is 43% so obviously real true love is a myth, it may happen for a while but not forever, id love to know the true statistics for people in long term relationships who have been faithful and are truly happy and not just staying together for the kids or not having sex or just living together as friends, the thing is people lie to themselves as they convince themselves they are happy ,

My 40s have been my most active in terms of dating, sex, relationships. It’s strange to hear someone talking like it’s the end! That’s when it starts a lot of the time. When the 40s confidence comes. I’ve never felt so attractive, had great sex with men of all ages and then met the love of my life.

Ive only ever lived with 2 partners and it ended im pleased it did looking back they neither was a meaningful relationship.

I found out that i was happier on my own, 13 years single now and nothing in this world would change it.
I live a lone and love it.
Wake up lonely or wake up wishing he wasnt there, id rather wake up lonely i`ll find something to do.
Im also 40 this year with no kids either, but the freedom i have is huge compared to what life was like with a man.

This. I think you are at risk of romanticising what you think you are missing out on.

You are young, presumably healthy and you still have a young child to enjoy. Focus on that. If you meet someone on top of it, great. If you don’t lots of other ways to enjoy life.

It sounds like you have a lot of positives as well. A lovely DC and hopefully supportive family and friends.

It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do around relationships/ men and that being by yourself at the moment is exactly the right thing.

Always remember comparison is the thief of joy

You will have always one genuine loving and meaningful relationship.
It won't be romantic. You won't go on 'dates'. But you will be the no 1 in his life, his absolute hero and the one he can't be without.

Your lovely son

Most marry for money now, you only have to read MN.

Focus on the good you have. You have a child. Not everyone who wants one has one. You're in good health and so is your child from what you say. Not everyone has. You're not in a crappy relationship and praying to be out of it.
There's so much more to life than a being in romantic relationship. There aren't as many I them as you think. Just look at all of the stories on here!
Plus there's still time. Live in the moment and be glad for what you have. Comparison is the thief of joy.

So, you're in your thirties, attractive and smart and extremely lucky in many ways.

I think a lot of people settle and don’t get that love either.

You only have to look at the daily threads from women who are practically single parent or become single parents because they settled for the wrong man, for whatever reason.

You have to heal from the past & then make time to meet someone, it can happen

Read Essays in Love by Alain De Bottain. The kind of love you feel you’re missing out on isn’t real imho. Sure you might get transient bliss for a while but only have to look on MN to see what happens when, as it so often does goes wrong and even for the rare ones it evolves into something else.

Try not to torment yourself with notions of the fairytale as chances are what would happen is you’d be getting on each others nerves, you’d be nagging over uncompleted jobs (rather than Team DIY) feeling he doesn’t GAF and you’d maybe even have double or treble the work you do now with two male children to service and look after. Sad but true.

The bad experiences you’ve had many of us can relate to, and show you’re better on your own than being with someone just to settle. Don’t underestimate being able to close your front door in peace, make your own choices and have complete freedom without heartache or drama.

Mind too in life there are as Oscar Wilde said two tragedies: the first is not getting what we want and the second is getting it. If you had s bloke just now you might well be lamenting when it was just you and DS after honeymoon period.

You’re still young. It may well happen yet but in order to feel happy with someone else you need to feel content yourself first. Don’t mean to be negative either just realistic.

I think people overestimate the need for a romantic relationship. My ex used to lock me in a room, drug me and him and his friends would rape me. Being single is so, so far away from the worst thing.

I met my 3rd husband at 40 and was madly in love for some years. Lasted 20 years then he had to go. My fault really, men piss me off eventually. Still it was good while it lasted.
We had fun.
Trick is to accept every invitation you get even if you dont want to go and get involved with groups, choirs for example. Personally I hate choirs but its a good hunting ground for single people, also church groups, volunteering, walking clubs. I could go on.
I met no 3 at a friends barbeque. I hadnt planned to go and my car had broken down but I went anyway and bingo.
You wont meet anyone staying at home and I dont do dating sites.

Bloody hell northern lights. I hope he went to prison.

@Northernlights19 I'm so sorry, I almost can't comment after what you said as it is so awful. Anything I say below is not relevant where there is sexual, physical or emotional abuse. Again, I'm so sorry.

OP, I think it's ok to audit your life at this age and decide what you'd like to spend your energy on. This is the time your son is growing up and you will have more freedom, I guess (unless there's some reason why not). It makes sense to start thinking about what you'd like to do, experience and so on.

I disagree with people saying it's enough to have a child, having a child and having a life partner are not the same thing at all. It's very sad if you can't have a child when you want one, and it's also quite sad to feel like you have missed out on a love relationship of some type, even if it's not quite the mythical romance we see in movies.

There are lots of self-help books out there and getting one and thinking what you'd like your next chapters to look like is a good idea. I didn't care that other people have miserable marriages (some of my friends do, but most either tolerate or even like their husbands!) or love being single (great!) I knew I wanted to find someone and have a partner and I guess you are the same too.

I've already suggested using Burned Haystacks dating method (BHDM) on about three threads today, I'm starting to look obsessive, so I'll just stop there. I don't think it's a good idea to only focus on relationships, perhaps there's other things you'd like to do- change where you live, what activities or fun events you go to, many of my female friends are stepping into their best lives in their fifties onwards (once the hard grind of parenting and the menopause is more or less out of the way) and taking up wild swimming, or travelling. If you want to find someone to share your life with, I think that's entirely possible but I urge you to use BHDM as it's a way of protecting yourself and working from a feminist perspective, spotting red flags and only proceeding if there's something that could genuinely make your life better. Take a chance, we only get one life. I reckon it's out there for you.

Honestly I have the same distain. After a few bad experiences, the thought of allowing someone back into my space (physically/emotionally/mentally) feels far too risky. I'm also a single mum and it grates on me that most people assume you have a partner back at home. We don't all have that picture perfect life. Someone to have dinner with, chat about the day, simply watch the TV with. There are moments that you can think "oh wouldn't that be nice" but I think that's fantasising it. You never know what it's like behind the closed doors or see the full picture. Although I'm quite the optimist and maybe one day when the time is right, someone else might come along and change things for you and your perspective too.
But for me personally I wouldn't say I've missed out because I enjoy my own company too much and protecting my peace over being with someone because society says that's what we do. You left your ex for a reason, that's not missing out. I actually think it is stronger to leave than to stay in a situation like yours.

This is such a beautiful post and I think it shows that we never know what is happening when looking from outside and the different things that bring people joy.

I'm nearing 50. Have children but have never had a romantic relationship last much longer then a year. I stopped dating in my late 20s to concentrate on my kids and because I felt I had poor taste in men. Dipped my toe back in 15 years later and ended up briefly dating an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive arsehole. The parts of life I've missed out of have been when I've been with men, not without them.

Learn to love yourself then you may find someone who loves you just as much, or that you don't need anyone else to anymore.

I’ve never had a meaningful relationship and haven’t had children. I had one serious relationship in my early 20s which was very toxic and put me off men for about 5 years. I finally felt ready to date again, had just started seeing a guy before I went on holiday abroad alone where I was raped by a stranger. After that I couldn’t even think about relationships for a few years, then became close with a male friend but when it came to being intimate I really struggled. He wasn’t supportive, he was coercive and made things worse. It’s been over ten years now since all that happened and I still don’t feel comfortable around men I don’t know, definitely wouldn’t be comfortable trying to date and can’t imagine ever being intimate with a man.

I’m in my 40s now, have missed my chance to have children and I think the likelihood of me ever being in a relationship now must be near zero. I understand feeling sad you are missing something most people aren’t experience, but you are still getting to experience motherhood which many don’t and it’s certainly not impossible that you will find a relationship in the future.

Good Lord….

Hi! This is me. I’m 37, and I have never ever had a boyfriend. I have had 1 pregnancy, twins, accidental conception with a guy who wouldn’t commit to me, our ‘relationship’ only happened on the weekends. In fact, I was one of his multiple women on the side and it turned out, he was in a long term relationship already. He’s not on the scene as a father, wanted absolutely nothing to do with the pregnancy or me after that. As it happens, my twins are SEN. So, I have found it hard to meet anybody new as my kids cant be left with anybody else. My parents are both dead, it really is only me. All my friends are married, some are still having children. I’m the only one in about 10 of us, not only unmarried but completely single.
I also don’t think I will ever find anybody to love/love me or my children. I love my children with all my might, but I know they’re not going to be be ‘loveable’ to everyone. I don’t think anybody would stick around with knowing what my day to day looks like, it’s a lot. I have just only got my kids to bed at 11:20pm, and have been bitten and hit and kicked during a meltdown, It’s made me realise that I’d actually be a bit ashamed to have somebody stay over and witness this, and my children will need caring still in their teens and adulthood probably. So, I’ve resigned from hoping or wishing for a ‘typical life’ and have accepted this is mine, and it’s ok.
Life isn’t the same for everyone, it just is what it is. Once you make peace with it, it’s actually a bit cathartic. I’m not sad about it anymore and I don’t dwell on it, I’m very secure with the fact actually.
Life is short, and we’re here for a temporary time. Make do with what you’ve got and let the rest go, I guess the message is.

My friend js in her early 50s. Split with her ex a few years ago, manage an amicable relationship but still very tough few years. Has 3 DC. Started dating again a couple of years ago and is now having an absolute ball. Is in a great relationship, i got a very happy text from her this weekend from a music festival at the other end of the country.

I am so sorry for what you have been through.

I can understand why you would struggle to trust a man after that. If you did meet someone in the future and he was disgusted by your past then that would say far more about him than it would about you. Any decent man would empathise with you for the situation you found yourself forced into and would admire you for having survived it.