Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

Some may come with time. Some ideas may be worth suggesting to him baking or dd chopping veg or planting seeds if he’s not used to children it may not have occurred to him.
Children don’t need constant kid centric days out. I’d look at what he enjoyed pre child and go from there. If he enjoys national trust or museums do that. I was much younger but wasn’t a fan of soft plays etc. I’d go somewhere I fancied and she’d come too. Museums always have activities for children to do.

The way I wrote about him may have been unpleasant but I was having a vent anonymously online. I don’t hate him or resent him but life is an endless slog of work, chores, childcare and once in a while it would be nice if he we would break the routine and just have some fun together.

His job isn’t physically demanding but can be stressful. He has a balance of wfh and office whereas my job albeit pt requires more travel.

I wish people would stop saying things like I got what I wanted and he didn’t want a child. If he felt that way then the time to express it was before the deed was done. Is it my fault that parenthood isn’t what he expected?

I think what people are missing here is that yes, he might be tired but people don’t just get to opt out until their kids are older/easier. Would it be acceptable for a mother of the same age to do the same?

I think its less about age and more about personality type. Im sure there are plenty of young fathers who dont engage with childcare in the same way

The fact you’ve not addressed whether he was keen to have a child rather indicates he wasn’t. Sure he could have said no, and he probably should have done. But too many women think that if they can just persuade a man to agree to a child he’ll love it when it comes along. Some do, some don’t.

Obviously I’ve no idea what happened in this circumstance. But the fact he got to nearly 50 with no kids strongly suggests they weren’t a priority. Now he’s got one it’s still not a priority.

There’s not much we can say, either you accept his approach or give him the boot.

In sickness and in health

Totally agree with this. Being in your 50s - yes you do get tired more easily, but you don't HAVE to swich off from life like he seems to have. That description of him being so glad not to have to go anywhere on a bank holiday Monday and staying at home to have the house to himself.. come on!

Sounds to me like he doesn't do much, doesn't have much in the way of a social life, doesn't have ideas about where to go out and do things so is probably not getting much exercise. That's down to him.

But Age is only a factor. His general disinterest, not only in his child but also in his wife is a much more concerning and that cannot be put down to just his age.

And what about all the active grandparents out there in their 50s, who often look after young GCs?

I can't see any point in the "I told you so" or "You should have thought of that" scolding. He didn't present himself as lazy and disinterested at first when he wanted to live with her.

Not sure why you are offended by posts saying he didn't want a child. It's true.
It's not your fault, but there it is.

The sheer arrogance of you telling me this as if it’s a god given fact is staggering. How can you possibly know what is true? You are talking to a stranger on the internet.

If he didn’t want a child he shouldn’t have done the deed. He was happy to become a father, perhaps the reality is not what he expected but that doesn’t mean he actively did not want a child.

Please do feel free to correct me about the ‘truth’ of my own husband though.

Just wanted to add that if he could be bothered to go on a day out with them as a family... he wouldn't have to be doing it all on his own and wearing himself out. OP would be there. Two adults to one child.
Many older grandparents are able to do days out like this and take it in their stride, because its not just one parent struggling away always on their own, which is part of it for OP... but also the feeling that he's missing out and his child is missing out with his lack of engagement.
Its not something I would necessarily have predicted in advance if I was in OPs shoes

15 years off state pension age, yes, but lots of people in their 50's are winding their hours down at work, dropping to part-time or taking on less responsibilities - there are constant threads on here from people who have retired at 55 or who have cut their hours down as they no longer have the energy to work full-time.

Very, very few women could conceive a baby naturally at 50 so they're incredibly unlikely to ever be in that situation.

Ok. If you think that's arrogant, there's nothing more to say.
I haven't blamed you or said it's your fault.
Not sure what you want from this thread really. People have suggested strategies to coax your reluctant husband into doing more, but you seem to want something else.
I guess all you can do is
Accept him
Aim for a compromise such as him reading while you bathe your DD or a once a month outing
Leave.

There is a reason why most 50-year-old men or women don't want toddlers, apart from the few exceptions on this thread. But you seem determined to convince yourself that he did.

🙄 Some women have children at 47, which would give them a child of 3 at the age of 50 like the OP’s husband. However rare that is or not, they would not be able to opt out of parenting until the child is easier/older. So why is it acceptable for him to do it?

I haven't once said it's acceptable.

What I have said is that it's fairly understandable that a 53 year old doesn't want to be running round after a toddler, especially after working full-time all week. OP is younger and works fewer hours, so it's understandable that she's going to have more energy at the weekends. That doesn't mean he should get away with doing nothing though - he chose to be a parent so he does need to buck up his attitude and get on with it.

I know MN is full of people in their 50's who have endless energy and who happily look after multiple small children all day but I know very few people IRL who actively want to look after toddlers in their fifties.

OP, ignore posts that says he didn't want a child, or regrets it or that you got what you wanted. It's all a lot of rubbish.

However, as I suspected, I pick up that he is stressed with his job. Nothing is more exhausting then stress. It swallows all your energy, day in and day out so that all what is left is daily survival.

Is there any way of reducing his stress. If not, at least show him tour sympathy rather than your annoyance and frustration and the latter will only aggregate his stress.

That’s exactly my point, I agree with you. He needs to suck it up and get on with it. Many posters are encouraging OP to wait until the child is older before he can be bothered. She, however, does not get that option.

100% this. ^ 👏 I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of women I have ever known who had a baby at 45 or older - in my entire life. And I mix in various circles (upper class, working class, middle class,) and with all kinds of people and professions ranging from vicar, GP, surgeon, dentist, teacher, and farmer .... to checkout operator, cleaner, admin assistant, hairdresser, bank manager, and florist.

99% of these women had their first baby in their 30s or younger. Including many 'well educated professionals...' I know a small handful who had their final child as old as 39-41, but even then, very few. Women generally tend to have all the babies they want by the age of 40.

The very few I have known who had a baby at 45 or older (with their own egg and DH's sperm) have either had multiple issues with their pregnancy, or issues with the child itself (disabilities/health issues etc...)

Mumsnet is literally the epitome of a parallel universe!

!

Theoretically he might have wanted a child and I'm sure he loves his dc. He's just not willing to make an effort which makes him a lazy parent.

The vast VAST majority of women are NOT having children at 47! 🙄

This place sometimes! Honestly!

Yes, I know. That why I didn’t say there were 🙄 What I said was, there are some that do. Rare as that is.

Ops’ husband has a mix of wfh and office. Do people forget how relentless it is to care for a toddler 24/7? I bet OPs cup is full too but she keeps going, for the sake of her child , that’s just what you do.
so tired of people (especially men) saying “I’m the main breadwinner hence I earn rest and can slack of childcare cause mum is “just looking after the child”

To be fair, any film aimed at a three-year-old audience is likely to be unbearable for an adult. I'm an older parent, but I don't think that was the only reason for my hating, for example, the Paw Patrol film and having a splitting headache by the end of it. I did that once, and never took the kids to the cinema again for several years. At least a film for older kids (eg Toy Story) has a plot and some variation in volume. So I wouldn't really blame your husband for not wanting to do that.

Toddler years are not enjoyable for everyone - I (female) am enjoying being with my kids much more now that they are 12 and 10 (actually from about 5 onwards really) than I ever did when they were toddlers. Toddler activities are generally deathly boring for adults, and have the added "bonus" of tantrums thrown in.

I remember once being in our very child-friendly library with our baby and three year old, and my husband had to carry the red-faced bawling toddler out because he didn't want leave. It must have looked like we were kidnapping him. Now that the kids are older and can be reasoned with any kind of activity is much more enjoyable.

I've never said he can "slack off childcare" just because he works full-time, though.

But OP is 13 years younger than him and works fewer hours - it's totally normal that she has more energy than her 53 year old husband with a full-time job. It would (imo) be more unusual if she didn't.

That's not to say he should get away with doing fuck all or that he should be able to opt out, just that a bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss.

However, he chose to have a child and being 50 isn’t an excuse or an option to do the bare minimum with said child.