Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

If he's there just say 'your turn to bathe DD tonight' surely? If he's at work fair enough he can't do some things. If it's a weekend I'd expect him to come along personally to a zoo or a farm. You're letting him off parenting far too easily.

Only the rich ones lol. I'm 55 and couldn't possibly think of retiring

He has had half a century of only thinking of himself. It must take a bloody lot of getting used to being a first time parent at 50.

I have an older partner too, he's not one to make plans for us a unit (me, him, child), is rather grumpy when I tell him what our plans, but gets up & follows in the end.
I used to get annoyed (and still do during the tricky parts of the month) that he was always more ready to make plans with family & friends ... but then I dust myself off, make my plans same way- he is always included cos if I don't include him he gets angry too ... go figure...
anyhow, my point being some people have no drive, so you have to force it - they end up having fun in the end most times

PS. most of the comments claiming younger dads are more hands on live in dreamland - don't mind them

Im also mid 50s and nowhere near retirement. I am finding though that work is taking more of my energy and I have considerably less headspace and energy for my personal life than was the case 10 years ago, even theough my life was undoubtedly far more full on back then w 3 teens at home. My youngest heads off to uni in a few weeks and I will both miss him and also be relieved at the bit of downtime that buys me.

Thank you. Thought I was missing something reading these comments. Why is everyone focusing on him being a bit older and how does being in his fifties equate to being unenthusiastic about life and fatherhood... weird take.

Start planning your escape.

lol true, money definitely comes into it.

But I know a lot of people in their fifties who are finding work a LOT more exhausting than they did in their forties. Adding a toddler into the mix is probably not what most of them would consider a good idea!

Some people are high energy into their 70s. Some behave like old folk in their 40s. My husband is the latter and it's unbearable - we are pretty much the same age, but I bounce through life grabbing every opportunity to have fun on top of the life chores, and he needs a lie down for an hour after doing 2 hours of housework (genuinely).

I feel your pain.

Respectfully, some men in their 50s. Mine does all the usual activities with the kids, most of the ferrying around, and manages to go running every day as well. 50s isn’t that old, he’s just lazy. Not that it helps OP much!

I really find it quite odd that so many are replying putting the blame on you for having a child with an older man…
Yes okay, you probably both didn't understand what you were going into (who does until they’re in the trenches!). But ultimately, he had a child and has a responsibility to that child. He needs to step it up.

In the meantime, sounds like you’re doing a great job and not letting his lack of his involvement get in the way of you spending valuable time with your kids. Focus on this and then figure out what his behaviour means for your relationship.

I suspect he’d be just as crap a dad even if he was younger. You both made a choice though and there are small kids to raise - he needs to grow a set. He’s 50 something not 90 - perhaps he needs to get fitter if he’s feeling that old. In the meantime work on your exit plan - he won’t change.

Ok probably against the grain here but I had an older dad, he was always nackered and didn't want to go places or do kiddy stuff so my mum took us. As a kid I didn't notice any issue with that, what I remember is a cooler than cool dad who played cards and board games with me, had the most inspiring conversations, taught me the most amazing things. Thankfully he lived well into his 90s and I had a father I wouldn't swap for the world. Cut him some slack, if you want to take your daughter swimming fill your boots but let him parent his way.

How fit is he? DH improved his diet, gave up alcohol and lost 3st took up weight training and creatinine and now his energy levels are through the roof. He is mid 50s.

I do think some people are more accepting of get old before you need to. There are retirees that do marathons and other crazy events

Also people quoting his age as the issue he us younger than Peter Andre who also has a young family.

😀And I am the same age as Cameron Diaz- who has just had her 3rd baby at 53 but a lot more knackered. I wonder why that is.

lol, exactly. Comparing celebs with on-tap support and tons of cash with a full-time worker is not exactly helpful.

I'm sorry so many posters feel the need to be rude to you @bosslady24 , you've not the first woman to have a baby with an older man. The only thing I would say is that if he'd never been a parent until his 50s he's probably finding it hard, it doesn't mean he doesn't love your DD, it just means he's not used to having to put someone else first.

This sounds so frustrating and draining for you OP.

I imagine your DH had absolutely no idea how draining having a baby/young child is and so didn’t quite know what he was letting himself in for. I doubt there are many men in their early 50’s who still work full time and would feel excited about looking after a 3 year old for the weekend. However, your DH needs to realise he doesn’t have a choice.

When me and DH were trying for our children he put a very strict boundary in place and said that by the time he got to 35 then all attempts to conceive would stop as he would not want to be managing babies/young kids after that age. Thankfully we squeezed two children in before he hit 35!

But anyway….. although your DH is now having his reality check and seeing that having a child at his age is a lot harder than what he envisioned, he can’t just opt out.

It’s completely understandable that he’s tired and wants to chill out at the weekend but he still needs to be engaging with his daughter in ways that don’t require him to be exerting lots of energy. There’s no reason at all he can’t do bath and bedtime each night and read stories to her etc, or get the paints and board games and jigsaw puzzles out at the weekend and spend hours playing with her in the living room and then take her to the park etc.

I suppose you just need to find a happy medium. Three year olds just want attention and to be engaged, that can come from a quiet but fun and interactive day at home rather than your DH feeling pressured about a big day out that will go on for hours and involve lots of walking and activities when he’s already tired from working all week.

Maybe you could have one weekend a month where you do something special, whereas your other weekends are more mellow but still focused on being together as a family, with your DH understanding that he has to make more of an effort to interact with his daughter and form a bond with her.

He may just not find the activities you're suggesting fun. It can be a bit 50/50 with a 3yo, you either have a great day or have an incredibly draining experience. When you're spending quite a bit of cash it is a gamble.

You mentioned that he will take her to the park or an NT, honestly I think that's great. I get what you're saying about family days out, but it sounds like he is coming with you sometimes too, maybe it could be better. Does he know how you feel? Have you asked him what really makes him hesitant?

I get the desire to give a kid a "good" childhood, it it is alright to live life more slowly sometimes. We never used to be doing stuff all the time. How is he when it comes to bath time, involving her in dog walks, gardening etc or reading to her? These are the things that would make me feel like he's interested.

Is he depressed? It sounds as if everything is too much for him. Ask him to see a doctor. It's a funny age for men and maybe he feels he's ageing and it's worrying him about being an older parent. Women generally adapt far more easily to changes in their lives.

Well yes At 50 I was grandparent to a 4 year old . Wouldn't have wanted a small kid myself then

Boring - I can get.
But to call your Husband a bastard?
Wow.
Poor man.

My parents take my kids to the park, days out, activities all day when they look after them whilst I’m at work. Cook their lunch and my dad is wfh as well so my mum does a lot on her own, with the 4 and 2 year old during the holidays. When I get home she’s shattered but she still carries on. She’s always been bothered about keeping her kids happy her whole life. My in laws on the other hand are the opposite, and they were the same with their own kids. They choose not to look after the kids, when we’re together they won’t even help with them nevermind the rest. I think they just like to suit themselves. The mums are the same age. Age is a slight factor but personality is the ultimate decider of a hands on parent

Don’t worry he won’t read this.