Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

Thanks

I agree with this. I really believe that the posters saying 'we had babies at 43 and 47 and we're in our mid 50s with 2 children under 10 and we're absolutely fine,' are saying this because they are coping, and they're OK. (Many of them.) Because they HAVE to be. They have had the children now, and that's it. They can't go back in time.

But they will be more tired and weary and struggle with the children more, and will be knackered more (than someone a decade or two younger.) 'My 54 year old husband cut a tree down today, after a day at work, and still played with our little boy after dinner' type posts make no odds. We can all have energy spurts.

It's a biological fact though, that in your 50s, you are much less energetic and less healthy than you were even 10 years earlier. And definitely 20 years earlier. You can kid yourselves that you're as fit as a butcher's dog at 55, and 'healthier and fitter than a 30 year old,' and I'm sure you're coping OK, but people 10-20 years younger will be coping better (with small children) for the most part.

This is why I don't get people making it sound like a good thing to put motherhood on hold, and tell posters who still haven't had a child by 33-34, they will be FINE, because they and everyone in their 'social circle' had their first baby at 43, and they know LOADS of women who had their first at 48!

If that's true then good for you, but stop telling women in their mid 30s that they have loads of time. It is a fact that once you hit 35, your fertility starts to decline rapidly. Yes yes yes, I know some posters on Mumsnet don't like to hear this, and even deny it and laugh at it, and some posters are going to jump on me and say 'I had all 3 of mine at the age of 38 and older, and so did every woman in my social circle.'

But it's a fact. Your fertility does start to decline rapidly when you hit 35. Actually 90% of your eggs are gone by 30, and at 35, it's down to 2 to 3%! Have babies a bit older if you want, but stop telling young women that they're fine to leave it and leave it til they're 40-odd. Also, some posters claiming every women they know had their first baby at 41 or do, doesn't alter the fact that the average age for a first time mum in the UK is 31..

It’s nonsense saying that people in their 50s aren’t winding down. Most have kids in secondary school who are more independent, and have time to relax at the weekend. Running around after toddler is exhausting. By 60 most people’s kids are at uni or working so their free time is their own. Honestly people who work FT at 60 need their weekends to recharge because they are knackered. OPs DH will have kid still in primary. This is the reality of being an older parent.

Agree. Actually I saw a post recently claiming that lots of women had babies at 45. They most certainly do not!

I also think it’s mean to choose an older partner and then call them boring and lazy. As an older person I am a bit less energetic and have different interests, but I’d have the hump if someone called me boring and/or lazy.

I think it is a your dh issue rather than being a dad in his 50s problem.

I know a few blokes with toddlers in their 50s. Some are first time dads, one has an age gap if 23 years between his youngest older child and a toddler with the same wife and a few are having new families with their second ( and in one case third) wife.
None are sloths like your dh and are gullible on parents enjoying family life and still working full time.
Im not saying its easy for them but they are getting a lot of satisfaction and joy in return for the effort they put in.

I have two friends who became Fathers in their fifties, both younger wives. One didn’t want a child but did it to keep the wife. They are both knackered. It’s not like 50 plus is past it but energy levels decline for everyone. Even an amazing athlete will have slowed down.

I can relate somewhat as my dh is much more of a homebody and I was the one who was more likely to both think up things the kids would like and I'd also get more into it.
I'm actually older than my dh too.

I don't think it's entirely his age, although it's bound to be a factor, but i think it's not that bad to be a homebody either.
You say he will take them to the park or to the national trust, so he does take them places. I don't think a 3 year old needs to be doing tonnes of things necessarily. I think the discrepancy in your energy levels is maybe more the issue than whether he's lazy or not.

Doesn't sound fun at all!

I think it is a your dh issue rather than being a dad in his 50s problem
I know a few blokes with toddlers in their 50s. Some are first time dads, one has an age gap if 23 years between his youngest older child and a toddler with the same wife and a few are having new families with their second ( and in one case third) wife.
None are sloths like your dh and are gullible on parents enjoying family life and still working full time.
Im not saying its easy for them but they are getting a lot of satisfaction and joy in return for the effort they put in.
Doesn't sound fun at all!

It doesn't for me either!

I find the ageism on here in relation to parenting so depressing. The idea that the only appropriate way for a 50+ person to behave is to retreat in front of the TV in their slippers is straight out of the 1940s.

I am in my early 50s and run 5k plus four times a week on top of a demanding job and raising a teen. I do additional exercise with my teen on top. My friend, who had her last child aged 44, runs marathons.

Most CEOs of FTSE 100 companies and politicians are men in their late 50s or upwards who routinely fly half way around the world several times a month. Why spending a couple of hours a day engaging with a toddler should be seen as beyond their scope is baffling.

A healthy 50 something should be able to keep up with their kids. The fact that he chooses not to is sod all to do with his age and everything to do with him being a lazy, entitled bastard.

I really don’t understand why some posters have to be so cruel. The ‘you’re not new and shiny’ comment…wow. Implying that my daughter was some sort of mistake or I was foolish to have her. That she isn’t wanted by her dad. I came here to have a vent like lots of people do about their relationships.

Obviously made an error posting in Aibu. It is completely pointless and spiteful to make comments about how stupid I was to have a child when I’m ‘old’ myself with an ‘old man’ because she’s here now. It’s purely sticking the boot in.

I appreciate the sensible replies and there has been a lot to think about. The ones who are needlessly unpleasant…it says more about you.

Why don't you show him this thread and get his reaction? He does not get to opt out so he needs to find ways to get more motivated. He will be in his 60s when your daughter is a teenager and you will need him engaged to help her navigate that.

You are fully entitled to vent and, based on what you have said, you have every reason to do so. However, calling him a boring bastard in the title is mean and unnecessary.

Probably a combination of his age and personality. He may come into things when she’s older and can share hobbies.
I’ll be honest as someone in my early 50s the thought of parenting a 3 yr old is horrific.
We both work in full time demanding jobs and very much use weekends to potter and relax.
Maybe compromise and agree a monthly trip at weekend.

He doesn't sound boring particularly, just lazy.
One of the reasons i decided not to have children was that I am not particularly energetic- I think it is a very useful trait in a parent.

My friend's DH was late 50s when their DS was born ... he couldn't have been more involved. It's not age! He would prob have been like this in his 30s OP.

I think you need to accept that at his age and disposition he is not going to be an energised parent. You say he is a help around the house . My ex would much prefer to cut the grass or wash the than sit down with the children with a colouring book it didn't make him a bad person but he was less engaged as a parent.
What does he contribute to both himself chores and to doing parenting tasks. . Does he take it turns to read to you daughter? Is he stressed and anxious at work, or maybe depressed? . Motivation is hard to find if he is. Has he had a medical l check up recently?

I you need to compromise your expectations a little and try discussing and book a monthly activity or outing you can do a a family . Take a picnic if money is a source of stress to him. Empathise to him that once a month is just twelve times a year, and is more than just participation, its about making shared memories of your child growing up experiences for you all to recall when she has grown up. Hopefully he will learn to look forward to these outings and maybe as she gets older he will engage more with her clubs and activities.

Time will fly by and in 10 years time he will have a moody teenager to deal with and those delightful Zoo trips will be potentially the fonder memories to help deal with her teenage angst.

I have not read all the thread as frankly some posters are batshit.

Of course he is being lazy. Of course he doesn't just get to be a miserable bastard in the hope of you just doing everything because it is easier.

Be unavailable a hell of a lot more and leave him to the routine. And call him out on any shitty parenting too.

He does a lot of cooking, gardening and looks after our dog. I do the lions share of cleaning and tidying plus washing and ironing. I don’t mind this because I work less hours.

Regarding dd, I do every single bedtime and bath. Read to her. He will do it if I’m unavailable but he would never just offer to do it if I’m there. Any doctors, dentist, hair appointment…all me. Again I don’t mind doing this. What does upset me is his general lack of enthusiasm and enjoyment in actually spending time together and creating nice memories for the kids…the stuff that is actually meant to be fun and what life is about. Yeah it’s hard work sometimes but it’s their childhood.

Reading to your child is one of the great pleasures of parenting. Even for older parents.
He didn't want a child.
I would go out at least twice a week in the evening and leave him to it.

I think you've received some unpleasant responses because the way you've written about your OH is quite unpleasant too.

You have a 50 year old man, who works FT outside of home, who in your own account cooks, gardens, looks after the dog and still looks after his daughter at times. That doesn't sound like a lazy man. It sounds more like an exhausted and maybe slightly depressed man.

Why are you so negative about him instead of trying to be supportive? We regularly get mothers posting here how tired they are working FT and looking after the house despite having fully engaged husband and they get tons of sympathy.

You haven't mentioned your husband's job and that is absolutely key. Some jobs are rewarding and not too demanding whilst others are full on.

There's a big difference between a man working FT, commuting to be a surgeon, a construction worker, a solicitor or manager directing 100 staff, compared to a hairdresser or art gallery owner.

I shared your frustration but I think your mistake ( as was mine) is waiting for him to offer to do stuff that doesn't come naturally to him . Don't wait for him to offer to do bedtime, just say you want a better routine to benefit her, and for you and he to do bedtime alternate nights. Maybe alternate the bath time with the bedtime story reading so one bathes her and one reads so you both are both involved every evening. Emphasis that if you alternate bathing and reading time, it will only be about half and hour of his time, or an hour on alternate evenings if you take it in turns to do the whole routine

. I think you do need to make him see that it's important to you and her that he is involved with her childhood, but the 'ask' isn't really that much effort on his part

Have you asked him if he is self-conscious?

Most dads of 3 year olds are in their 30s, perhaps he feels totally out of place and more like a grandad.

How much did he actually want to have a kid?

What does upset me is his general lack of enthusiasm and enjoyment in actually spending time together and creating nice memories for the kids…the stuff that is actually meant to be fun and what life is about.

He's a low energy aging man who has an a lot on his plate. He works full time outside the home, he does the cooking and gardens and looks after pets and is involved with his kid, just doesn't have the high engagement you want him to have. It sounds like he's not enjoying having a child, at least a toddler, and the toddler stage is wearing and demanding.

He's in his 50s and now you're seeing the age gap issues. This is also when chronic health issues seem to appear, has he had a recent physical?

You got what you wanted but now he's not good enough. You sounds very resentful of him and that's going to kill your marriage.

He might just not have the attention left after his work. He might be depressed. He might not be enjoying his life. But he should have some involvement and you're going to have to discuss it with him.

Have him commit to one or two outings with your child a month. You do most of the domestic work other than cooking, hire a cleaner and stop ironing.

You resent him now, if he doesn't change his level of involvement, are you prepared to accept him as he is or end your marriage? Those are your alternatives.