Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

I met my partner in my mid 30s after a long term relationship ended. I am now approaching 50 and he is over that. We have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I had ALL the fun before my children arrived and now we do it as a family, children need parenting regardless of how old their parents are.

Yes, I had my children later in life. My youth/twenties was spent full of adventures and spending money, lots of people these days meet their partner later and a family follows afterwards. It’s not such a novelty as some people on here are making it out to be.

And if you develop a serious health condition in your 50s, as many do, then the things you do as a family and the way you parent may have to change, regardless of how much fun you had in your earlier life. Its not something that you get to choose or even necessarily influence by the way you live your life.

@bosslady24 my husband is 59 and we had our 2nd and last child when he was 48 - so similar to your position(s) (I'm 10 years younger than him). When our youngest was 3, he would get up with the girls at the weekend and take them to the park or swimming so I could have a lie-in, often after having spent the week away with work. When she was around 3, he took them away for a few days to his mum's so we could break her habit of having the boob at night. At other times he's taken them away for a couple of nights to give me a break.

So it may be that he's just not interested as you fear - plenty of younger men are when faced with the reality of young children, so it's not an age thing. It may also be that for whatever reason he is genuinely finding it much harder than some other men of his age. Does he eat healthily, not drink too much etc?

Unfortunately it's hard to tell for us what the issue is as we don't know him. But I would say I don't think it's necessarily an age thing so maybe you need to have a discussion about this with him. It could be like others have said that he will be more invested when she is a bit older and it starts to feel more like a relationship with her than herding cats as it does at that age.

Good luck.

Yes, in my earlier posts I said both myself and my partner both have health problems, his he needed an operation for, mine I have occasional hospitalisations. Doesn’t mean we get to opt out of doing anything with our children.

Sorry you’ve had such unhelpful responses op. I’m genuinely appalled by many of the comments suggesting it’s your fault he’s not contributing because you allowed him to make his own decision about his ability to be a parent in his fifties, and didn’t assume he completely past it and unable to be a parent. It’s clear to see why the patriarchy remains when men are benefitting from women reinforcing it and gender stereotypes that mean they expect you to suffer the consequences of his limited input and to carry the weight of all that extra responsibility. I really hope the women commenting don’t have daughters that they are passing these messages on to and who then feel trapped in unfulfilling relationships carrying the weight of everything.

Sorry but you're hilarious. I'll just tell my neighbour whose having chemo that she doesnt get to opt out of doing social stuff with her kids because the Great Shield of Motherhood will stop her catching an infection that might kill her. Or my friend who was recently diagnosed with lupus that the exhaustion is all in her mind and she just needs to get up and at 'em and carry on the active life that she previously enjoyed because she'd be letting her family down if she priorises her health.

I don't think it's his age in a physical way. He's fit and healthy, lots of men in early 50s have full-time jobs, and have the energy for children, playing sports, cycling for hours blah blah.

I think it could be a factor in his mindset as he's had one way of life for a long time and is resisting the major change to that. He's happy as Larry in his rut. But then he shouldn't have chosen to make a baby if he wasn't prepared for a lifestyle change.

You don't need to be brain of Britain to know family life is different and harder work than single or couple life. He's choosing to be a lazy, shit Dad, knowing you'll pick up the slack. Up to you if that continues...

Be warned...'boring bastard' men (and I know exactly what you mean by that) only get worse as they get older. I know men who've barely shifted off the sofa since their 50s and have to be dragged out to do the smallest things. I also know 80+ year olds who are active, busy, inquisitive, still trying new experiences and game for anything. It's a mindset not an age thing (health reasons notwithstanding).

Does the OP’s husband have any of those conditions? No. Of course, there’s health conditions that limit your lifestyle, nobody is denying that but there’s also opting out of being engaged with your kids because you can’t be arsed.

Of course. But I wasn't talking about the OP's husband. I was giving an alternative perspective on the "reeking of privilege" nonsense by another poster.

Since when was being in your late 40s old? Since when was early 50s ready for pensions? When we are deemed able to wait till 67/8 by the state

😂😂 Plenty on here with older spouses who manage parenting fine. This is a husband issue. Not an age one

The point is that some posters on here have been very judgmental of people who met their partner later on in life, through circumstances maybe not of their own choosing. It’s fine to say “we’re winding down now at 50 and couldn’t imagine having toddlers/primary aged children” if you met your partner in your teens/20s and started your family early. Then yes, you’re probably in the “I’m done” phase of life. Some people weren’t lucky enough/didn’t have chance to do that. So their children came later. It’s just a different family life, but their children still deserve engaged, present parents.

Couldn't agree more. 50 is not old, it should be a piece of piss at that age, as I said I'm 53 and work full time with young children. Unless you're really unfit I don't see the issue.

my husband loves being a dad at 50

he said he’d have hated it any sooner as he was enjoying his care free life - but now he’s content being a dad and really enjoys it 🤷‍♀️

"Early 50s it's not old . Ffs."

It's old to have a toddler. A woman of his age can't do it. There's a clue there.

"I'm an older mum, had my kids at 39 and 42."

So you're at least 10 years younger than him. NOT the same thing.

"I know men who had kids in late 40s and early 50s and they do just fine and enjoy spending time with their kids."

Respectfully (as you like to say), unless you are with them every second of the day, you don't know how tired they get after running around with the kids.

"HE f*ed up, not them."

No, she did too. She also decided to have the children with him knowing his age.

So because you say it’s too old, it’s too old. Despite the numerous posters here saying their Dh is/was a great ‘older’ dad. Righto.

And my dd is not a fuck up. Try not to be so offensive.

"And my dd is not a fuck up."

I never said your DD was a fuck up! Don't misquote me.

And as for the "the numerous posters here saying their Dh is/was a great ‘older’ dad.", it's not very objective.

You said I fucked up by having her which heavily implies that she was an error. She isn’t. And she is very loved, even by her old father.

Couldn’t agree more. I didn’t meet my DH until I was late thirties. Had children in my mid forties.

7 and 10 is 7 and 5 years older than a 3 year old. And you’re not yet 50. He is 53. So he’s 5 years on from you with a child 5 years behind you. Not really the same

No, I did not. That expression was used by the poster I was replying to.

I think some people here can't count. Plenty saying they're also older parents because they were 39 or 40 when the child was born. OP's DH is much older than that.

Ignoring all the arguing, you say he moans about going out so I’d split the weekend up. Let him organise activities for half the time, if it’s in the house or very local that’s fine! Then if you want to go further afield, you can plan it. Planing is half the issue so he may just come along and enjoy it if he hasn’t had to think about it.

Im 60 and a granny to a 5 year old, I much prefer to do things at home with her, baking, playing games, crafts and gardening. She loves doing this stuff, and it’s just as much fun as doing out somewhere and “making memories”.

You are looking at it from the point of view of someone who has already been through it all with kids and not wanting to do it again.

DH and I were together for over 20 years before we had DS. In that time we travelled the world extensively. We visited over 100 countries and had the time of our lives. Our bucket lists were almost exhausted.

Having a child when I was well into my 40’s and DH was 50 has been fantastic. We definitely don’t feel we are missing out on anything as we have done all the travelling and other stuff when we were younger. Settling down with our DS is a lovely change of pace.

We also had very good careers meaning we are now financially solvent and don’t need to work again if we don’t want to. The stresses of money, work and being time poor that we see with many other younger parents just aren’t an issue for us.

Surely it is true that

1. Many people in their 50s are healthy, fit and able to look after young children;
2. Rates of ill-health increase with age and many people in their 50s develop health conditons that impact their quality of life, sometimes very seriously. After all healthy life expectancy in the UK is under 61 https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/bulletins/healthstatelifeexpectanciesuk/between2011to2013and2022to2024#healthy-life-expectancy-in-local-areas-of-the-uk
3. While lifestyle might help your chances of longer healthy life, 'shit happens' to all sorts of people, and the chances of that happening also increase with age. So people in group 1 can find themselves in group 2 with little warning (this happened - brutally - to my husband in his late 40s). Hopefully anyone deliberately having children thinks about this before TTC, and all the more so if they are older when they do so.

We've no idea whether the OPs husband is perfectly capable of being in group 1, but being lazy and selfish, or whether his health actually makes it more difficult for him to do it. This is an age category where there's an especially broad spread of health and there's no way you can extrapolate from one person's experience of parenting at this age to say how another should be.