Husband is a boring bastard

[bosslady24]

Sorry but it’s true. He works full time and helps around the house but has no interest in family life, days out etc. We had a holiday this year that he was miserable for. Didn’t really want to leave the resort as it would be ‘too much hard work’ with our youngest. If ever he can get out of opting out of something he will. When he has our youngest on his own there are a select few activities he might do like the park or NT but would never dream of taking her to the cinema or swimming because it’s too difficult. Whenever I suggest getting in the car and going somewhere he will huff and claim he has too much to be doing at home or that he’s ill/tired/skint. I don’t want to be busy every weekend but feel as parents we have an obligation to do stuff with our kids when we can and give them a good childhood. He is just lazy and disinterested.

There is an age gap between us - he’s in his early 50s now with a 3 year old and I understand it’s difficult. In hindsight he probably didn’t fully appreciate what having a child later in life means. But she’s here now and I’m finding his lack of enthusiasm for anything quite a turn off. I have resolved to start doing things alone with dc (I have an older child from previous marriage) but I find it sad that I’m with someone who doesn’t share my values around this stuff.

Leaving isn’t an option for me at the moment but I just need to vent. If I bring this up with him he will list a load of excuses and/or sulk so it’s not worth it. It’s bank holiday coming up and I said I might take the dc away for a night and he is practically gleeful about the prospect of being left alone. I don’t get that opportunity because he’d never offer to take them anywhere himself.

Gosh, most of my friends were still having their babies at 37!

This might also be a personality thing OP rather just because of his age. My parents in their 70s are very hands on with their grandchildren of a similar age although I appreciate it's very different when theyre providing childcare twice a week. Maybe he should get some blood tests done if he's so tired. Is this a stark contrast to what he used to be like?

@beaglescurleduplikebagels

Same. I’m 38. I shudder looking at my 54 year old neighbour running around after his 4 year old. I thank my lucky stars that is not me. So, so boring and nausey.

I’ve got three teenagers. One has just passed all his GCSEs with flying colours, although he still had a lot of input and guidance from me. Daughter will be taking them next year. My youngest son, two years after that.

This poor bloke is going to be in his 60s dealing with teenagers. Who could be arsed? Certainly not me. I love my teens to bits and find them far more interesting and fun than toddlers, but genuinely glad I won’t be doing it in my 60s.

My parents got a puppy at this age (50 odd). It ruined their lives. They were knackered. My dad loves it but my mum secretly hopes it will die soon (they are now mid 60s). I can’t imagine having a ACTUAL CHILD at this age. It makes be need an urgent nap (early 40s!). Oooof…

If you don't see it is an issue, that you call the person that you married a bastard, then you have a major problem.

My DH is in his 50’s and I’m late 40’s. We have a 5 year old DS.

DH does way more with DS than pretty much any other dad I know.

He plays with him all the time. After work they’ll be playing football or cricket in the garden literally every day. He takes him out all the time when I’m at work and visits the park or play centre or takes him swimming.

He loves every minute of it. Of course he gets tired at times but it never stops him doing all he can for DS. We have virtually no family help so it can be quite full on at times but we both love it.

Being in your 50’s with a young child is no excuse for being a crap parent.

I cannot see where you state your age? In any case, yes, having a baby knowing he would be in his 50s when they were not even at school, was a dumb idea. You probably need to divorce or suck it up buttercup

Why is it a dumb idea? When my DS started Reception there were 6 dads out of 25 who were in their 50’s. The youngest dad was in his 30’s.

The older dads were all financially secure and able to dedicate far more time to their DC than the younger dads who were working all hours.

There DC of the older parents have a far better and more stable lifestyle than those of the younger parents in my experience.

Early 50s it's not old . Ffs.
I'm an older mum, had my kids at 39 and 42. Yes it is tiring, but 'respectfully' (as everyone is so fond of saying on here)... everyone has a choice. That was mine and this was theirs. HE was a part of this. HE f*ed up, not them. I know men who had kids in late 40s and early 50s and they do just fine and enjoy spending time with their kids. Everyone needs a moment to themselves, or has an off day, but if that's 24/7 then that just makes him a shit dad and a shit partner. And he needs to acknowledge that and take responsibility. Please stop piling onto the OP. Everyone can be so clever with hindsight. This is not her fault, it's his. A man. Someone from the same group in society who are wondering why women are choosing to be on their own.

You have my sympathies, and I think your resolve to do more alone is the right move. With any luck he might feel as though he’s missing out and come along. I wonder if he is an introvert? I read a book that says extroverts get their energy by interaction whereas introverts recharge by having alone time, peace and quiet. I also sympathise as a 45 year old mum of a 6 and 3 year old. It’s hard work and I’m knackered, I would be delighted if my husband decided to take them away overnight. It doesn’t mean I love them any less.
I can see both sides here- I’m a home bird and would happily stay home a lot of the time but often the kids being at home is far from relaxing and I need to get out with them. My husband is the same. For what it’s worth, I think time spent together in any capacity is enough of a memory for kids, not necessarily holidays and outings. My dad was 53 when I was born and sadly died when I was 8 - I have lovely memories of us sitting in the garden drawing the view together when I must have been about 5/6. We used to drive around in the car together and he’d tell me stories, singing songs together etc. I understand your frustration but I’d pick your battle and ask him to put more effort into the low effort stuff like bedtime stories. I hope that in time he will naturally want to be more involved. At the end of the day your DD is loved and cared for and that’s the single best memory to have xx

I wouldn’t say he’s boring as such, he’s just very middle aged and wants an easy life as many folk do at that age… What’s strange is the fact your DD was planned so he must have had some sort of idea of what he was getting himself involved with. I think that’s the stinger really, his behaviour would be a bit more understandable if he’d never wanted to be a father and your DC was unplanned.

Couldn't agree more with this post. Life after 50 is for freedom, and adults only holidays, and travelling, and lying in til 11am, and doing what the hell you want past 50, not looking after toddlers, dealing with school politics, other mums, school bullying, homework, and all that jazz, and dealing with teenagers in your late 60s. Then doing all the Uni stuff/funding your DC through Uni in your 70s! Gawd, that's stressful enough in your late 40s/early 50s. Never mind doing in your 70s! Most people want to be winding down past 50, not running about after small children!

Only on Mumsnet do I see people in their 50s with infant and junior school age children. Never see it in real life. And as I said, I know many people from all walks of life, from many professions, and from several social classes.

.

I thought so at the beginning of this thread as I am 54, have working children and lots of freedom. But maybe the reason I am done with child related stuff is because I have dragged them up?

The energetic 50-something dads on this thread haven't done all that, so it's a delightful novelty? Maybe.

He’s just knackered tbh. You married a man too old for children really he’s grandparent age!

I dont think he sees it as "missing out"

My dsis was 39 when she had her DS. He's now almost 10 she'll be 50 next year. Even that age of being a mum now seems a stark contrast to my reality. My dnephew has zero grandparents left alive. His only 2 cousins (my DC) are 18 & 22 & don't want to play with him much plus they have very busy lives with A Levels & Uni. My sis lives 140 miles away anyway so not easy to visit. Apart from being knackered as a Dad over 50 with very young children, most people I know (I'm 51) are working long hours/getting promotions now their kids are practically grown up in order to pay off their mortgages early and think about their own futures/start making retirement plans. I've loved going on short breaks with my DH this year without our DC. It's finally our time after decades of putting our kids 1st in everything.

There was a post earlier about man in his early 60’s with a two year old apparently….

I’m clinging on desperately to this thread to see if that claim can be beaten with a post appearing about a man on his 70’s with a 3 year old who still has all the energy in the world to be an amazing hands-on dad….. 😂

These posts are utterly pointless. It’s a lot of waffle about what people of a certain age ‘should’ be doing when actually, everyone is different. And it’s irrelevant anyway because (and I don’t think I can really say this again without my head exploding) he…chose…this. He wasn’t bullied into it. He didn’t have a gun to his head. He isn’t some poor sap who has been coerced into parenthood.

I accept he didn’t know what it would be like, nor did I. But it’s unfair that he can just opt out whilst I try to give the kids a good childhood alone, while working, while remembering everything, while doing housework and cleaning up after everyone. He does his part with work and may do more hours than me but id argue that my time and effort is worth something too.

This thread has been eye opening in some ways but the sheer amount of spiteful and unhelpful comments designed to do nothing but make me feel shit are really quite astounding.

I think many, many people have said it's unfair, and he made his bed.
Harder to see how you get him to lie in it.

I think some of the posts saying 50+ is the slow decline into old age (🙄) reek of privilege of long lasting relationships that started when they were young. It’s obviously inconceivable to think that some people have to start again when they are a bit older due to breakups, death of a spouse, etc… 🙄

I had my sons at 23 and 25 years of age. They both started their families in their mid thirties. So yes they get tired. But their youth was spent living the high life. They've had fabulous holidays, lived and worked abroad.

It's just different now.

Exactly, as I said earlier I'm a 53 year old man with bags of energy and a young child. I enjoy doing activities with him all the time. I partied hard when I was younger and I am much more suited to older parenting giving him more time than I would have done in my youth. Having a lie in until 11 and going on holidays all the time over 50 is great if you are loaded with money. Personally I had my lie ins in my teenage years. This misconception of having to do things at a certain time of life is utter bollocks and it's up to the individual how they choose to live their lives. I personally know loads of older parents not just those on mumsnet as someone posted. Do what you like when you like, as long as you do it well who gives a shit?

I think the huge majority are on your side OP and not being spiteful to you at all.

I think the general consensus is that at his age his behaviour isn’t all that surprising as for a lot of men in their 50’s, dealing with 3 year old alongside working full time is a lot, but also saying that he doesn’t get to ‘opt out’ just because he hadn’t realised how much hard work it may be prior to agreeing to having a baby at his age.

🤣 🤣 🤣 less the "privilege of long lasting relationships" and more the biological realities of your 50s for some of us. Enjoy reeking of the benefits of good health if you are privileged enough to do so.

Could be his age but might not be. My uncle is in his 70s and does more with my two than my waste of space ex. He never took them anywhere on his own...i always had to be there...and even when we did go hed be on his phone.
We are now divorced and he rarely takes them anywhere...occasionally a trampoline place but if course he will sit at a table on his ohone....even my eldest now says he doesnt want to see homim because he never talks to them and is on his phone.
Some people are not cut out to be dads...we never know until the chkldren are here.
Not sure what my advice is. Id weigh up the pros and cons of staying...