Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Is it a week long hen weekend?

would the 13 and 15 year old daughters have been left in charge?

(not a direct criticism of your sister, I’m sure some 15 year old might be capable of looking after younger siblings over night, although mine definitely weren’t mainly because they fought!)

This is totally down to the SD's dad - why have they left it til the last minute to sort it out?!
As soon as he changed jobs and realised he couldn't have this time off, he should have booked his daughter into some kind of holiday club. OK, it wouldn't be daughter's first choice, but if that's the only option then that's what has to happen.

Good point made upthread: would DSIS be expecting you to do childcare/take her kids on holiday to a destination other than your parents'? I suspect she would suck it up and pay for holiday club for 7 yr old DSN, no?

I was going to say something like this. Taking the nieces opens the OP up to having her sister say “But WHY won’t you take the youngest?!? We have to treat them equally”. The whole thing looks like a massive faff.

A stepparent does not become responsible for a stepchild because they’ve married the parent. It’s a title, not an established legal relationship. They may choose to assume a level of responsibility, but they are equally free not to.

I presume they will still be able to book a holiday club. When my children were that age we only used to book them about a month before if we needed to. They are still advertising that places are available so they have options. They’ve asked us because it would be nice for our parents and nieces to see each other and they see no issue with the younger one coming. The younger one would prefer not to go to a holiday club and instead be with her step siblings and us.

They’ve never asked us to take any of the children on holiday before and I don’t think they would ask this time only that it’s to see our parents.

Well, your sister is just being a CF then.

You've told her no.

You need to get your parents to tell her that they love to see her kids, when she brings them all out for a family holiday.

And that encroaching on your only holiday of the year is cheeky fuckery.

Why wasn’t your brother’s partner (ie, the child’s mum) supervising her own child in the pool? Or at the very least, your brother? Why was it down to you and your teens to supervise her children?

But OP is happy to take her nieces, who also want to go. Why should they be made to miss out because of a stepsister their mother keeps trying, and failing, to force onto them? They already know they’re invited and wanted there, and they don’t want their stepsister going either.

If their mother wants to alienate them by denying them time with their own family then that’s up to her. There’s no reason OP should do the same in order to appease her sister.

Yes…if the hen party has been planned a year in advance and the teens tagging along is a last-minute thing, what was the plan for them?

I'm not rude. I'm blunt. There's a difference.

“Help you out?!” 😂 How interesting 🧐

I think you're confusing the biological mother and the stepmother.

7year olds biological mum is going on a hen do, her father was supposed to take off work to look after her. The teens are the OPs sisters kids. The stepmum is working. There would be no instance where OPs sister is leaving any child unattended overnight.

This is his issue to deal with….not yours.

Oh, that was my fault. Sorry, I muddled sister & Mum up.

I think you have got confused. The teens have nothing to do with their step sisters mum, who is the one going on the hen do.

If my nieces don’t come with us, they will either stay at their mums house as my sister will be home after work each day, or they may see their dad who lives close to them.

It's interesting that your sister is trying to guilt you into looking after her step-daughter on your holiday so she can go off on a jolly.

If she REALLY thought of her step-daughter as her daughter, she would of course, pull out from the hen do to look after her own DD. The fact that she is palming her SD off onto you (and thereby imposing on your holiday) says everythng about how she REALLY feels about her SD.

YANBU to refuse to take the SD. It's sad for the little girl: neither her actual father or mother, nor her supposedly devoted "I-treat-her-like-my-real-daughters" stepmother, can be arsed to change their plans to look after her.

When are you booking flights @FallingDream ?

I'd give your sister a deadline, that you plan on booking flights asap and if she can let you know by X date whether your two nieces are coming with you, you'll be able to book flights with enough seats.

their step sisters mum, who is the one going on the hen do.

Ahh, yes I was also confused. But my point stands - none of the so-called parents in the little girl's life want to change their plans for her. They're all 3 trying to palm it off onto you.

The 7 year olds dad should never have agreed to work away without organising a swap with her mum or checking your sister able to help. Only option left is holiday childcare.

It's the 7 year old's father who should be changing his plans and telling his work he can't go on the trip. He made the commitment to have the 7 year old that week over a year ago.

It shouldn't be up to the girl's mother to cancel going on a hen do she told her ex she was going on over a year ago.

Thing is, of course DSN would prefer to come with you all (or at least prefer the idea of it) as she is with people she largely knows rather than going to a club where she may not know anyone - and which will inconvenience sister as she will have to adjust her working week to do pick up and drop offs.

Fact is, if you do this now you also set a precedent: a) if your new BiL is caught short again he will expect you to step in; and b) he expects his step children to make accommodations for a younger sibling that - even were she a full blood sibling - they should not be required to do so and c) that the older nieces are now no longer allowed to expect to have anything for themselves, even with DSN having treats and travel and stuff organised by her own mother.

This is deeply unfair all around and I’m afraid your BiL needs to sort his life out - he either speaks to his employers and acknowledges the child care issue, or speaks to his ex and comes up with a plan with her, and/or he and sister contact every summer club until they can find a space for DSN and book her in. And DSis needs to understand that SHE chose to marry a man with a younger child and take on the step parenting role - her DC did not. It is up to her to juggle oer project around childcare because she consciously and knowingly signed up for it.

Sorry, @FallingDream I really feel you need to be a little hard-nosed - and say no, but that you will take DSN out for a treat when you all get back or something to make clear that this is not about DSN - it is about DSis and her husband, and protecting the interests of your own family and neices.

Oh, surprise surprise. You're banging on about anyone who isn't family being of supposed lesser worth on yet another thread. Don't you get bored harping on about the same topic over and over?

Or the little girl's wider family step up. Her own grandparents, aunts, uncles.