Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

You won’t be relaxing with 5 kids, you’ll be on edge worrying about them or checking on them.

If your sister is married to this chap, then the step child is also now her child I don’t like the assumption he’s useless and palming his child off onto his wife / his child his responsibility. When you remarry you work as a team and become one family unit.

i personally don’t think you should take your sisters 3 children though.

This is correct signed letters from both the child’s mother and father are needed to take a child out of the country.

Not her child. Child has two parents, ops sister is not one of them

I do think you need to treat them all the same. So I don't think you should take any of them.

If their teenagers are bored, constantly on their phones and not want to do anything, or if parents don't give them enough spending money, and if the 7 year old needs supervision when playing outside or swimming etc, the whole child care arrangements will spoil your holiday.

Just don't single out the step child as a separate issue. Just say no to child minding while you on on any type of holiday. You can say you will look forward to going on combined holiday when your sister and her husband are ready and able to take them themselves. .

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Is it stepchild issue or a 7 year old issue? For me it would be the age and not the biological relationship!

Surely not, if the sister is also parent to the child now as you claim? 🤔

You need consent from both parents with PR. Actually we got into difficulty at the ferry port and we are a bogg standard family mum and dad with 2 teens of our own. Teens were questioned to check they were happy with us. Friend took a pal for her 17 year old on holiday and they had real issues too. It’s good really they are cracking down on child trafficking.

She really is a piece of work and I suspect she did see your text but fully believes she will talk you round and again threaten to not let your nieces come.

Stand firm.

Hopefully by now your sister has been instructed that her desire to ruin your holiday to make her own life easier will not be coming to fruition.

And yes, you should be able to take your nieces away on holiday, but there's nothing you can do about your sister being selfish and frankly a bit thick.

She is making an enormous rod for her own back, but there's nowt to be done about it.

Enjoy your holiday with your own family.

Honestly I would not be taking any of them.

But she wants to take her nieces. Her sister is determined to strip her daughters of that, but OP would be happy to take them.

The brass neck on her running to mummy and daddy so she can put pressure on!

I think you've missed my whole point where I have repeatedly said it is the FATHERS responsibility to sort childcare. In some instances that might me his partner.

It's very difficult to have a coherent discussion if you don't bother reading or can't comprehend basic responses.

This! She doesn't sound like a particularly easy going 7 year old. Presumably if she was no trouble at all and basically self-sufficient and able to fit in with a group of adults/teens without any inconvenience her own mother would take her on whatever holiday she has planned.

Well, to be fair, there are zero 7 year old humans who are no trouble at all and basically self sufficient and able to fit in with any group of adults and teens without inconveience. All require supervision and time and patience.

Even if the 7 year old was my biological niece, I don’t think I’d be comfortable taking them away on holiday without at least one of their parents. I’m not sure I’d be too happy taking the older two either tbh but that’s up to you.
Imagine going to a water park or something and having to watch the 7 year old like a hawk. No thanks.
Just out of interest, if you were on holiday somewhere else and not visiting your parents, what would your sister and her husband do for childcare then as they’re both putting work before their children?
At the end of the day, it isn’t your problem to sort.

Exactly. There was some nice disparaging of a 7 year old child by @Ophy83 , as if it's perfectly normal for 7 year olds to be self-sufficient fit in with a group of teens...

Not wanting to go to holiday clubs when away with their parent does not automatically translate to the child not being easy going.

I’ve never said ops sister is. I agreed she shouldn’t take her. It’s the assumptions by others I’ve disagreed with.

If the child’s biological mother or father took their daughter out of the country legally they need a signed letter by the other biological parent.

Yeah I'm with you here. I'm normally on the "you can't treat step kids differently" but this is a bit different because;

• the age gap is big and having a 7 yr old for a week is wild. My 8 yr old dd is not yet old enough to have sleepovers or go away with a friends family so I'm really surprised everyone thinks this is ok tbh. Presumably she hasn't seen your parents for a while as they're abroad and doesn't see you that much if she is with her dad only half the time. I wouldn't send my own child away with my brother/parents abroad for a week, I think it's too long at that age to ensure they feel safe and happy, especially in a foreign country. She does stay with them for a day or two and they're my child care but a week abroad is a lot.
• it's clearly a childcare thing because her dad has messed up. He shouldn't have agreed to a work trip during his week with her when on school holidays and he obviously can't negotiate now with his ex and his new wife (your sister) is basically refusing (which is fair enough) but the fact it's been assumed you'll do it is really unfair. It's so cheeky to ask.

I think you're being fair enough, having a few teenagers around isn't a bother and they'll all hang out together and go do their own thing. Having a young child, abroad alone without her mum and dad is totally different. I personally wouldn't send a 7 yr old away with anyone abroad. There's also a lot of admin challenges, e.g. at passport control they'll need written confirmation you can take her, if she needs medical help you'll need to have the equivalent of parental responsibility to approve anything (especially if there's a cost depending on the country).
The step-child thing is a bit of a red herring, I appreciate you feel it's different but I think it's more that she's a 7 yr old without her mum and dad, abroad for a whole week. It's a huge responsibility. By teenage years they're used to staying away from home, maybe have gone away with school abroad or with friends and can look after themselves. Aged 7 they are imo way too young for that.

Her mum is going away for her friends hen do, so that wouldn’t be suitable. Her mum works in a school which is the reason for the friend having her hen do in the school holiday so that the girls mum could attend. It’s been planned for more than a year and my sisters partner apparently had the time booked off originally. He has changed jobs since then though and can’t get that time off due to needing to go on a work trip.

I feel for.you OP - and would too be happy to take the older kids but not the 7yr old.

I have had a similar situation this summer where my sibling his 2 teens and his newish partner and her two lower primary kids were already at my parent's house when we arrived. It was a nightmare.

My 2 teens are used to being there, speak the local language (to a degree) have friends locally etc.

My youngest was constantly being expected to 'play' with the kids and they were both (and us) expected to watch them in the pool - caused quite an issue when I said no that wasn't their responsibility. I have a feeling this is going to blow up soon as my parent here is also struggling with the kids given the parent is 80+ and beyond grandparent childcare capabilities!

I don’t understand why people are so rude and aggressive on MNs. You could have left it at “that’s my point - see previous posts.

Any update from parents or sister?? (Yes I'm nosey).