Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Pushed around by who? Her dad has custody of her that week. It’s his responsibility to either 1) mind his child, 2) arrange childcare for his child, 3) ask ex to cancel her plans.

The fact that he doesn’t seem to have done any of that, and the child’s mother is apparently happy for two people she essentially doesn’t know to take a 7 year old to a a foreign country is the issue.

The Op clearly wants to see her parents. She made an offer - to take the older two. That offer can either be accepted or refused. There s zero reason why she should cancel a trip she was looking forward to.

Your sister sounds a delight!

Please stand firm-offer her the chance to eldest two or none and leave the choice hers to make.

I have kids close in age to 7 and I would love a week where I could log off after work and not have to do dinner, bedtime etc. Because kids that age are still work! It’s such a cheeky request.

Do you think she’d really be awful enough to her own children to stop them going if their step sister doesn’t go?

Is her husband usually so useless about looking after his own children in the half of her life that he’s responsible for her? This is 100% his problem.

How would you even travel with a seven year old without their parents? Do you have to get written permission? Seems like it would be tricky from get go.

I have a 6 year old and I had her friend come to play for a few hours, it’s so much more exhausting then looking after your own kids because like you’ve said you’re not as familiar, trying to make sure they’re ok, extra worried about something happening to them. I wouldn’t let my 6 year old go away with her aunties and uncles, too worried about her missing us or if something happened. So strange of parents, I get that it’s different that you’re visiting family but still I wouldn’t do it. Can completely see the difference in taking the older kids, even that is very decent of you.

Wow your DSis is a colossal CFer isn't she? Hope she doesn't guilt trip your DPs in to agreeing

Your sister is a CF. There is no way I’d be taking other people’s kids on a family holiday, nieces or otherwise.

Yeah, no
Book a different holiday now for your family, and see parents with your children in between or around Christmas.
Sorry sis, plans changed!

Why the hell should OP change her plans because her sister is being a pain? No. Just, no. OP has made her holiday plans and her sister is trying to encroach on that for her own convenience. No. Holiday plans stand, sister can fuck off.

Whoah, so she’s onto your parents now? Supposing they capitulate and say well yes, they can do a bit here and there? Your (cheeky as fuck) sister will
come back to you and say, “Right, it’s all agreed” and you’re lumbered.
You need to shut this all down right now and tell her, again, that this can’t happen and is not GOING to happen. No more debate.

OP would still be in charge of all the travel, which she can still refuse to do.

I think it's time to be straight. Her husband's daughter will not be coming with you. Her dad will have to arrange childcare and it will not be you.

Have they even checked the legalities of unrelated people taking her out of the country? That's nuts right there.

Does your sister often try to get her kids to do childcare for her husband's child when she's at your sister's house?

I love the way she's worded that, the CF! Help you out with as if the DSC is your responsibility. No, your parents would be helping her out, just like you would be if you were taking DSC on this holiday. Also shows she plans to try to manipulate you into doing more than the zero childcare you've told her you'll do. She isn't accepting your no and is trying to stomp all over it.

She hasn't accepted DSC is her responsibility this week at all. I know DSC isn't her responsibility as such but if she's got an arrangement with her partner that whichever one of them isn't working away looks after all DC in the household, then that makes DSC your sister's responsibility for that week because she's the one at home, regardless of how busy she is. If she's that busy DSC will have to go to holiday clubs, it's tough luck that she doesn't enjoy it and it's your sister's tough luck that DSC will probably moan about it afterwards. Your sister's determination to make this problem of hers into your problem does make me wonder if another poster was correct to consider whether your sister actually plans to travel with her DH for the duration of this work trip as soon as she saw the opportunity to foist all the DC onto you under the guise of "family spending time together". When really all she cares about is getting rid of the DC somehow, anyhow, just so long as she doesn't have to look after them.

Reckon she'll not want the older two to go if younger one doesn't because she'll force them to babysit. Doesn't matter that they don't want to, she'll just go off to work in the morning and they'll be lumbered.

Of course you don’t have to take the 7 yo. I’ve seen your updates and the fact you have said no to this, but your “no”
should be readily accepted. I don’t think it was even fair to ask.
Her dad should be looking after her. More men need to be saying no to work trips etc - “no, I can’t be away then, it’s the school holidays and my dd is with me”. Women have to and do say this, men should be saying it too. No step-mums just expected to do it instead, no cancelling contact time for work trips, no calling in the “step-aunt” (ie you) and expecting you to be the person who is left with the childcare.

And the 7 YO with her actual mother. That’s reasonable. If her dad and step mum can’t care for her then it’s unreasonable to ask you.

Oh hell no. You’re presuming she did this before you contacted her but I’m really not so sure. 2 responses:

• doesn’t matter cause you won’t be taking her there with you. She’d have to make alternative travel arrangements. No means no.
• if parents will be doing childcare for a 7yo that week you will reconsider your plans and see your parents an alternative week when they are not otherwise occupied with caring for a young child. There will be no helping ‘you’ out. No means no.

I think it’s ridiculous she would expect you to look after a 7 year old os regardless if she’s a step child or not.
You have a child who won’t go to holiday clubs but they are somehow going to be amenable on holiday without their parents.

@FallingDream honestly, I'd just say no rather than all the back and forth. I'd make sure I made my reasons and communication about age not status in the family.

Ironically we had similar both last year and this year and my two eldest went with extended family. It never occurred to me to suggest they take the younger ones. It would have completely changed their holiday! They got to do all the fun things older dc do with their cousin who had the benefit of their company, no worry about bedtimes and supervision.

I think remembering your sister's goal here which is to not have child care woes. That may be her goal but you do not need to be the solution.

[FWIW, I also feel bad for the 7 year old but that shouldn't factor into your decision unless you want to give up your holiday to be a child minder? If there was some massive backstory like your sister or the Dad was having cancer treatment or lost their job and have this chance to work for a month to bring money in, I'd likely feel differently. But their urgency to find a childcare solution is not your emergency.]

This!!!!
Dsis will apply pressure on your parents to do X (that they dont want to do!)

I'm really hoping the parents say no to whatever dsis suggests.

I still cant get over the child's father is away for 2 weeks and so is her mother at the same time?! Wtaf?!

All these women (sister op their mum) running around to essentially cover the child’s father’s responsibility 🙄. You so would never get this if the sexes were reversed would you?

It’s stressful having another child round just to play-let alone being responsible for a holiday.

Imagine-if god forbid, something happened and you end up explaining to A+E who you were. If a accident happened, nobody would thank you for having her, you’d just be blamed for not supervising her well enough!

Absolutely no way op. This would not be a relaxing holiday, it would be babysitting