Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

There's always an assumption that step children are treated badly. But what actually happens is, they get two homes, two households they have their own parents.Stepparents step aunties / uncles, step grandparents - two christmas, two birthdays every year.Two sets of presents.
The non related family is expected to treat them as a full member of the family, no matter how inconvenient, on pain of death.

Totally agree

Also it’s a flipping cheek to ask someone who is already doing a favour for you to make it an even bigger favour!

I'm almost certain you won't be allowed to take the youngster abroad, without written permission signed and dated by all three of the adults in her Life . Please check it out as you may not be able to take her,
even if you wish to.

Exactly this! The reality is that a lot of step children possibly have more opportunities. We don’t have a full picture of this girls life as we’re talking about a separate family essentially.

My step kids for example go on multiple holidays a year with mum/maternal side as it’s only those 2. We have more children so can’t afford as many as we do treat them all ‘equal’ so won’t dare go on holiday without them as wouldn’t want them to feel that their dad has excluded them. But my kids don’t go on holiday with anyone else either so they get one holiday a year whilst their step siblings go on 3-4. So I really don’t understand anyone’s point of view that OP is being unfair and singling her out. Even if she was her blood niece, she has no obligation to take her on holiday. OP’s sister seems to speak highly of her SD from what I’m reading. So it’s doubtful a case of ‘oh I can’t be bothered to have her for the week, can you take her’.

It isn't the mothers access time with child so she's perfectly entitled to her holiday. It'd be very different if she was flouncing off during her access but she's not. She's specifically arranged her holiday so she doesn't have to worry about childcare.

The father needs to cancel the trip or stepmother needs to step up. I say this as a step-parent. The holiday was likely booked well in advance by the child's mother. Why should she cancel? The Dad is the one who should be cancelling.

Her mum is away because it’s her dad’s week to have her. I don’t think she ‘can’t bothered ‘ I wouldn’t be taking her @FallingDreamsimply because she’s too young.

I think that’s a big ask. I think u would be better off to say no to all three of them rather than saying you’ll take her older 2 but not the stepchild. It certainly wouldn’t be a holiday for you or your husband.
Instead of saying you don’t want to, could you say something like you and yr husband think it would be too much for you both and you’ll be afraid something would happen to one of the younger ones?

I feel sorry for the 7 year old

Wouldn't take my actual niece on holiday in the absence of parents at that age.Let alone an unrelated child.

OP please don’t underestimate the amount of additional paperwork and passport control delays to take 3 children who are not yours out of the country. Especially the one completely unrelated to you. I imagine it will impact travel insurance too. I know you want to take the older two but I think you have been put in a situation of all or nothing.

I get the fact you don’t want to be responsible for her as she’s 7, but I don’t like the fact that you said she is not your niece your sister is right she needs to be treated the same, if your sister is with someone who has a child, she needs to be made to feel loved and just like any other child, she doesn’t need to me made to feel she isn’t as important.

Teens are old enough to do things 7 year olds can't. That includes holidays away from all parental figures.

having been a step child and being left out of things for convenience I can tell you it has a profound effect on my life. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things for family.
its saddens me that people are so myopic about their own lives and their needs.
seriously.

It’s a fact that she isn’t my niece, I can’t change that so you will just have to not like it. I don’t believe you can always treat them the same and it wouldn’t be appropriate in this case. She is loved by her mum and dad and my sister. I don’t love her in the same way I love my nieces but I’ve already said if we were to take her, I would go out of my way to make her feel secure and make sure she was ok and feels included

In the summer holidays I’ve taken her on some days out that my nieces haven’t been on because their needs are different.

My sister was with a man years ago who also had a son. When they split up, none of us got to see the boy again. How many of her partners children am I meant to class as my niece/nephew that aren’t? I’m was nice to that boy and I’m nice to my sisters step daughter, but they are not the same as my nieces.

absolute rubbish. No such thing happened to me and my brother
it’s well known that step children often miss out or get less than their step siblings and it can have a profound effect on their lives, like it did ours.
what a nasty and assuming post!

I don’t think this is even your dilemma. You’ve offered to take the older nieces and your sister doesn’t want that.

It’s not now for you to manipulate your sister to change her mind about the three sisters being together for the holidays or for her to manipulate you to take your step-niece away. It’s for the parents of the other three kids to work out a new plan for childcare.

What do you think you should be treated identically to a blood relative?Just because your parents decided to split up and move on with other people. You are the responsibility of your blood mother and blood father, not every single member of the family that your parent has decided to marry or not even marry into.

Why do you think a completely unrelated adult should assume full responsibility for a seven year old for a week abroad, just because she's a stepchild. Just at the point when her own children are old enough to not need much looking after. She has to take on somebody's seven year old, just because her own parents can't get their act together with child care.

You'll just have to not like that

My nieces are also step children. They live with a man who isn’t their father. Their dad also has a new wife so they are step children in their other house too.

If OP was a single male uncle staying on his own, would you still insist that he needs to take this 7yo girl on holiday?

Or is it anyone with a vagina that has these demands on them?

I feel sorry for your nieces, your sister needs to consider how they feel about it all too. It Sounds like your sister keeps trying to get them to babysit.

I’m not trying to manipulate anyone. I have said here that I think my nieces should be able to come with us but I’ve not said that to my sister. I have told her we will take older two but not younger and have left it for her to decide. I will accept her decision.

It would be a no from me. Yanbu.

What a vile comment
our father died!!
i now look after my niece from my ex partner if her mother need too, I don’t have too but I do it because she’s a child and I know what it’s like to be left out due to family splits.
be very careful what comes out your mouth, the universe is listening.

The child’s mother can’t look after her as she is going on holiday.
You, the child’s step aunt, can’t look after her as you are going on holiday.
The child’s father can’t look after her as he is working.

Which person has the most responsibility to change their plans to look after the child ?

Why isn’t it assumed that the mother or father should be expected to look after their daughter before assuming you, the child’s step aunt will do it.

I’d say it hugely depends on why the dad is working. If I had booked a holiday and my DH was told by his work he needed to travel that week I’d have to cancel my holiday. Because I need my DH to get paid. That’s life, that’s parenting.

Or may the dad just needs to arrange actual childcare as it’s his week to have the child.

I don’t know why SM has to step-up the child has two parents.

It seems like everyone has to step-up expect the actual parents. One of them needs to sort it.

The sisters kids are more than entitled to a trip to see their grandparents without all this drama if their aunt is good enough to take them. I don’t think the bio kids get nearly enough consideration in these situations. They are entitled to feel special to their own family.