Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

That would be a "hell no"! From me . Your sister is taking the piss.

I don’t get this, you want to take your older nieces but not the youngest, regardless of ‘biology’ if my sister said she wanted to take my two eldest away and not the youngest I would say no too all as I know my youngest would then be upset she couldn’t go so it wouldn’t be fair.

In my view, as much as your parents and nieces want to see each other this is for your sister to sort out and her responsibility, you either take them all or none.

The whole point is that OP was looking forward to a relaxing holiday with her parents. Her children are self-sufficient so won't need looking after. If she takes her sister's step-daughter, her relaxing holiday is out of the window.

A seven year old does need looking after and, from my experience of being a child-minder when my own children were young and now looking after my grand-daughter who is 7, there is a much greater sense of responsibility when the child isn't your own and I couldn't/can't relax for a minute.

OP's objection isn't because her sister's step-child isn't a blood relation, it's because she is so much younger than her step-sisters and OP's children and she will need to be actively 'parented' by OP. Holidays with small children are completely different from holidays with older teens who can entertain themselves.

No, it’s actually the child’s father’s problem to sort out.

Even if they were not step sisters, when there are huge gaps between siblings, they very often do different things. If not, the older children would constantly have to do activities that are far too young for them.

I genuinely think you have been very reasonable in your whole approach here OP - and I definitely read some unkind Step parenting/ step family stuff here - this is not a case of that.

Lying reading while teens who are close organise their own days has no relation to holiday in charge of a 7 year old! Especially as you say - one who is not your own! YOu would worry about every minute of their day - I totally agree its harder than taking your own.#

I took my kids friends with us on holiday last summer and it's a huge mental burden ! worrying about whether they are okay etc - I do it for selfish reasons as my kids enjoy it - I wouldn't do it for any other reason.

Don’t agree when 1) there’s a very big age gap, 2) the 3 girls aren’t actually sisters.

It’s very unfair to say to two teenagers you can’t go to see your same age cousins and grandparents because the younger one would be upset.

Children don’t have go get everything they want all the time. A 7 year old can easily be told this trips is for teens. We’ll do X with you as a treat.

SD 7 has her own mums family, an entire family to hang out with that the other two don’t have.

The actual parents are the only people who should be sorting this between them. Letting your 7 year old go on holdiays with a couple you’ve met twice is insane of the mother.

I feel really sorry for the poor 7 year old. It's like nobody wants her. What sort of dad goes away with work when he supposed to have his daughter? What sort of mother allows her child to go on holiday, with someone she has only met twice? What sort of step mother tries to palm her step daughter off onto someone else, so that she can work? And to top that off, she's not even classed as family? Just wow!
That said, it's a massive ask to ask you to take all 3 of them with you, just so they can work. It's the responsibility of parents to look after their own children, or make sure they have adequate childcare arrangements.
Personally ,I'd be telling your sister no to all 3. It's a bit cheeky to even ask.
Let your BIL and his ex sort it out.

I think OP and grandparents want the older two there.

The younger one none of them want to mind. To be fair even teenagers are entitled to a holiday, not here’s a rota of who is minding the 7 year old while the Op has to worry if she’s safe, near water, sun cream, put her to bed on time etc

Treat them all the same - as your sister would prefer. Don't take any of her children. Simple.

Please remember this wasn’t our idea. We were planning to go and see my parents as a family of 4. My sister asked us to take the children. We suggested taking the older ones only after we had been asked.

I don’t believe in all or none though. Sometimes different children get to do different things due to age or even the fact that they are step children. In this case there are valid reasons not to take the younger child due to age and the fact we are not related to her.

The sister’s actual daughters want to go on holiday with their family, who also want them there. Why should they have to miss out?

Personally there is no way I would want the responsibility of someone else’s young child on my holiday! I wouldn’t get a minute of peace, constantly worrying about them and if they’re ok. You’ve done your years of holidaying with young kids. Plus it’s their Dad’s week with her and he is responsible for either taking time off work or finding child care, not foisting his daughter off on you! H*ll no.

It's not really about blended or nuclear or blood or step families.

It's about OP not wanting to babysit a fully parented-up 7 year old she hardly knows while on holiday like some kind of unpaid nanny.

Honestly? I think it is really kind to take the nieces on the family holiday.

While I feel exceptionally sorry for the 7 year old , it’s a massive ask to take her abroad at her age without any of her parents, it’s a huge responsibility & it wouldn’t be a holiday for you. Your sister is being very entitled about this too, it’s down to the 7 year olds parents to sort childcare - not you & don’t let your sister make you feel guilty about it. I’ve taken my nephew on holiday a few times when he was young, but I’d an older child & a younger one too so we were all doing the same things & no one could have been left out. It’s a different holiday with teenagers as they’re more self sufficient & you don’t need to monitor them as closely

Makes sense—the 4 teens (who are too old for half term day camps) can do teenage stuff together and the youngest (who is too young for teenage stuff) goes to half term day camp. Easy.

Or the 4 of you go on your own as originally planned, and DSis’ teens do teen stuff at home whilst the little one goes to day camp. 🤷‍♀️

I just wonder who will be looking after the 7 year old at home anyway? The 15 year old? And they want to visit grandparents so my guess is your sister just wants free child care. Id say no to 7 year old but expect her to make the other stay home anyway

I think you’re doing a really nice thing for your sister, your parents and the 2 teenage nieces by offering to take them. Your sister and her party are being really cheeky expecting you to babysit a 7 year old.

If you RTFT you’ll find out!

Also we’re actually making the assumption that this girl is being treated really badly by her parents/family. It’s her dad’s week to have her so mum has booked a holiday. That’s not unreasonable. I have done the same when I haven’t had the care of my children. So the girls mum might be a really good mum and for all we know made these plans months in advance after seeking confirmation that dad can definitely have her. This is dad’s problem. It’s his week to have her which he must have agreed to. It’s just unfortunately bad timing that it’s fallen on a busy time at work for both him and OPs sister. That also happens. And we are all potentially guilty of trying to find childcare when there’s something at work or something personal that we want to do. They are being cheeky by trying to make OP have her but if she says no I am sure they will make alternative plans like put her in an activity club like many parents have to do during school holidays. It’s not a big deal. And it doesn’t mean she isn’t loved.

There's always an assumption that step children are treated badly. But what actually happens is, they get two homes, two households they have their own parents.Step parents step aunties / uncles, step grandparents - two christmas, two birthdays every year.Two sets of presents.

The non related family is expected to treat them as a full member of the family, no matter how inconvenient, on pain of death.

I think it is nice to include the teenagers. To take a child with a big age difference changes dynamics regardless of it being a step child.

Ultimately it is your holiday so hold firm

Yep, and OP has actually said she wouldn't fancy taking a bio related 7 year old either.

I think the step issue is actually a red herring. If step dd was an easy going well behaved 15 year old who got on with the other teens I imagine op would be fine taking her too.

When you have teens you do revel in being out of the “hands on” parenting stage you have to be in with the under 9s.