Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Precisely - SIL’s DH needs to speak to the child’s mother and explain that he has had something come up at work and needs to swap his weeks. Or reschedule the work thing/send someone else. Working parents have to do this all the time. It’s not OP’s problem to solve.

I think you're already being generous for agreeing to take your biological nieces with you -- I know teenagers are more self-sufficient within themselves but they do need someone to keep track of them, check in with them, it's already a massive add to your mental load.

Not to mention you'd need a bigger car if you're having one, more people to buy snacks for, keep track of passports etc. Is she offering to pay for them or expecting you to do that too?

Obviously you can't take the 7 year old, that's a massive ask and you wouldn't get even the slightest bit of rest on your own holiday.

Having all the teenage cousins together with their grandparents sounds lovely though, it would be a shame if they couldn't have this holiday together -- it would be a proper little gang and an opportunity for lifetime bonding between the four of them.

Presumably the 4 year old is 'playing house' and its a bit a fun or a game, which she doesn't have to do and is free to stop at anytime. If she is being told/forced to care for baby sibling including changing dirty nappies - all I can say is poor child. That isn't the flex that you think it is.

What does step child's mum think to her being sent away with strangers? I know as a mum I wouldn't be agreeing with it.

Tell her you are willing to take your nieces to help her out (if thats what you are happy with).
But that you categorically will not be taking an unrelated 7year old child on holiday as it is not fair on the child primarily but also on the teenagers or adults on your holiday who had planned a relaxing time. Tell her you wont engage in any arguments with her or be guilt tripped but you aren't comfortable with the responsibility. You will discuss nieces but thats as far as it goes.

Basically shut it down completely do not engage in anything to do with step child. Only engage in chat about nieces otherwise your sister will keep pushing and arguing to try and make you give in.

I actually feel so sorry for this poor child, its absolutely awful that her parents are being so cavalier about this. Its totally inappropriate for them to suggest this to you.

The youngest needs to spend the week with her Mum. Contact time with her Dad means with her Dad. Even when there is an even split of time, it’s ludicrous to palm them off on his new partner’s family. If he is too busy to look after her, she should be with her mother.

Whilst you may prefer to take your nieces with you and not your step niece, and whilst you may have many good reasons for feeling this way, it doesn't sound as though this an option thats on the table. So maybe just accept that and say no rather than fighting for a third option that has not been offered.

Also to throw into the issue, what about travel insurance for her? I’d be telling your sister that her husband and the child’s mum have to sort out childcare between them and come to an agreement as taking her doesn’t work for you.

You may end up falling out with your sister but your own family needs must come first.

Why is it the mums problem to solve? She has booked a holiday on her child free week. Presumably this arrangement has been in place for a long time and each parent knows when it is their week with their daughter.
It's an issue the dad needs to sort.

I don't disagree with you. I was simply thinking of another option.

I feel so sorry for this child who is being viewed as an inconvenience. Her parents need their heads knocking together.

I agree with suggestion that best to say no to any of them. 13 to 15 can be quite a handful on holiday and may well be.more tricky than a 7 year old. Sounds exhausting. If you want a restful holiday politely decline.

I spoke to my parents this morning and they’ve admitted that although they are ok with the 7 year old coming if necessary, they would rather it just be just us and our children and would love our nieces to come if we are ok with that. They are going to speak to my sister.

I have sent my sister a message saying we are only willing to take our nieces and basically said take it or leave it.

I think she’ll decide to let our nieces come with us because it will make things easier for her and she knows her daughters will be annoyed if they miss out, and our parents.

This is what I would have done, no way would I take the 7 year old.

She not biologically family and a lot younger then the rest, she will require more looking after too regardless of what your sister says.

'I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice.'

It's always possible that the mum doesn't know about her ex's plan to send the child away with the OP. Unless it is known as a fact that she is aware, she may be under the presumption that her little girl will be with her 'D'F during his designated time, and have no idea that he is planning to send her abroad with OP's family. I wouldn't entertain doing this.

What kinds of big important jobs do all these people have btw, that they can't get even a few days off in October with 2 months notice so they could swap childcare with each other?

Another 'blended' family where the child has the nightmare of 50-50 parental care and has no place to truly call home, with parents who regard her as an inconvenience to be shunted onto the nearest available random female. I feel desperately sorry for the poor child with one, possibly 2 feckless parents, but that isn't something that the OP can solve. And no the child is not her niece; there is nothing cruel about stating this as a plain fact.

Well done OP.
Your sister has some cheek on her.

Op is going to visit her parents who have only met the little girl twice, presumably due to living abroad, op has more of a relationship with her than that.
(I still don't think op should have to take her on holiday, just pointing this out.)

Ah, the classic “If only everyone thought and acted exactly as I think they should, life would be so much more pleasant for everyone”. Except of course people are individuals, not automatons acting out roles.

The reality is that blended families are different to nuclear ones, and you cannot expect people to consider step family indistinguishable to biological family. Some families may naturally fall into the ‘all in’ pattern of a nuclear one, but those families are far from representative. Trying to force relationships, rather than respecting and accepting them for what they are to the actual parties that make up that relationship, arguably causes far more problems than it could ever hope to solve. There was another thread recently where two kids have pulled almost completely away from their father due to his insistence of forcing his stepchildren onto them as siblings.

OP’s sister has already tried and failed to have her daughters babysit her stepchild, and now she’s trying to force the child into their family holiday. All she’s managed to do is make the child a nuisance to them, and likely cemented their opposition to ever viewing her differently.

It’s ridiculous that the only people that want her going on the holiday are two people that aren’t even going themselves.

My parents have spent more time with her than that. It is the 7 year olds mum that has only met me and my husband twice. I was surprised she would let her daughter go away with us due to that.

My apologies, I completely agree with you.

So they get a nice child free week(s) and you get to look after 5 kids?? I’d say ‘no, not this time. Let’s all go together when we’re all free’. Then go enjoy your holiday with your husband and your kids

The grandchildren will want to see their grandparents.
And I would NOT leave a 15 and 13 year old at home alone. Ridiculous idea.

This is your sisters problem and she’s skilfully making it yours

Does the step niece have grandparents of their own to spend time with? Well done on sending the message, hopefully dsis will explain tactfully.

Have you messaged/called your sister yet OP to nip this bat shittery in the bud? X

Do you know for a fact that the 7yo's mother has definitely agreed to it?

Or has your sister said the mother would be fine with it but hasn't specifically told the mother all the details yet?