Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

A firm no with no explanation. Enjoy your holiday.

YANBU. I would say to your sister that this is your holiday, and your days of holidays including primary school children are long gone, no matter how easy they are. It’s a completely different dynamic and it doesn’t work for you. It’s not your fault that their work arrangements clash with the school holidays. I do feel a bit sorry for the girl though, especially as your DNs know that if you don’t take the step sister they might not be able to go, it’s not fair to share that with them.

Id be firm in no for the 7yr old and yes to the older two. Also I would inform my sister that her two older children are dissatisfied with having to cater to the 7yr old and to arrange differently. Honestly you will regret bringing the 7yr old.

Because its dad's week.
Mum is not the problem here she has arranged to go away on her non parenting week, its the dad whos causing a problem by choosing to go away with work for a fortnight over his week with his dd. The fact that the father has a childcare issue is not the mums problem or the step aunts problem.
The dad needs to arrange appropriate childcare for his daughter during his trip or cancel it.
Sending a 7 year old abroad with people who are not related to her on what is ment to be an extended family (not tge 7 year olds family) holiday is not suitable childcare.
Whether the 7 year old likes kids club or wants to follow her teen stepsiblings around is irrelevant. The older teens shouldn't be forced to miss out on a family holiday or look after a 7 year old just because the 7 year old wants it or it makes life easier for the dad

That's a bit off. OP isn't trying to get her needs met. Her needs are being met by taking her DH and DC on holiday! The sister has asked her to take the other 3. It's up to OP if she's happy to take her nieces whom she knows and has a relationship with and who are similar aged to her own DC but not want to take a step-niece she's met twice who is the wrong age for the trip. Why should OP have to accept her sister manipulating her into the position of "bad guy" saying no to her nieces for the holiday when she's actually happy to take them? Let OPs sister, who is their own mother and the person who's trying to foist all the DC onto OP for the week, be the "bad guy" and tell her own DC they can't go with their aunt/uncle/cousins to see DGP. Why shouldn't the OPs sister be the one to take that hit of their resentment, when it's her decision?

To OP: don't let your sister throw you under the bus like that. Don't ruin your relationship with your nieces by telling them no, tell them yes (because that's your decision) and let their mother tell them no (because that's her decision).

If they complain to you that it's not fair, you can agree with them, whilst explaining there's nothing you can do about it - because you're not their parents and just as they don't want to spend their holidays babysitting their step-sister, neither do you/DH want to babysit her either! They're old enough to learn/realise that it's your holiday too and that just because you're an adult it doesn't make you "default parent" to all the world's children.

The answer is you don't want to take anyone's young child with you as you don't plan to be babysitting while you're on holiday.

Your sister is being ridiculous and putting finding childcare above the wants and needs of her own children, who sound fed up of playing happy families. Then we have the thought of a 7 year old without mum and dad for a week in a foreign country.
Another selfish parent forming a so called blended family and expecting everyone to be happy with the new arrangement.
Of course she knows a 7 year old will unwittingly totally change the dynamic for everyone. She is no doubt breeding resentment by trying to force her own children to child sit and that will only be amplified if she doesn’t allow them to visit their own grandparents. She sounds very selfish whichever way you look at it and I feel very sorry for her biological children plus the seven year old. That said, I’d let the older ones enjoy their time and put the younger in holiday club for a week.

Think everyone, OP’s family too, are conflating ‘step child’ with ‘7 year old’. Even if this 7 yo were NOT a step child, it would still be a pain to take her when she is not your own child and your own children are young adults/older teens and independent. It would also perfectly reasonable to tell a younger child that they cannot go on this holiday, that they will have to wait until they are older. That’s not treating her differently, it is treating her according to her age.

It is also grossly unfair to saddle older teens/half or step-siblings with the care of much younger children, so SIL is actually hugely unreasonable - they need to keep their 7yo home and send her to clubs. And if she doesn’t like it, tough. Kids all over the country have to go to summer clubs so that their parents can work. That’s life. And in a few years those older step siblings won’t be around either- they’ll be at uni or travelling etc - so SIL needs to start adapting now rather than expecting everyone else (step kids, OP and family) to be her safety net and free childcare source.

Your sister and BIL are so cheeky.

Absolutely not.

I say this as a child from a divorced family and would usually want to include stepchildren etc.

In this case it will definitely ruin your holiday and cause huge resentment from her step siblings.

I actually can’t believe the nerve of your sister that she would even ask!

Say you’re taking your nieces and she’ll need to book the 7 year old into holiday clubs. If she’s outgoing anyway she’ll be absolutely fine.

What's to be confused about? (Except it's not OP with the step-child, it's her sister).

Man with baby and 50/50 access finds replacement nanny-with-fanny ASAP after breakup, to help raise the child. It's the norm, I'd have said? Nothing surprising or confusing about it.

She was clear in previous posts she's not met her twice, of she had of course I wouldn't be expecting her to consider/treat her as a family member in the same way! And her needs being met by only taking her own dc away is one thing, but singling out a younger family member as she's doing (not solely relating to her age, but rather her position - unasked for by her - in the family as the non biological niece/grandchild) to be clear she's uninvited and asking teenage siblings to reinforce this, is not kind imo

I would say you’re happy to take any of the kids once they are secondary school age or over.

That is fine as it's an agreement between them as a couple with understandable give and take.
However, I bet if he had a brother and sister in law, they wouldn't be expected to take your sisters kid(s) on holiday with them to accommodate your sister.

There are plenty of us single mums out there working full time with no family support who had to juggle all of this as best we could completely on our own for years - myself included.

There's two parents in this together and they have to plan their lives better. No it's not your responsibility.

Absolutely no to taking the step child and I cannot believe the mum would let her go! What if she becomes ill or gets hurt and needs treatment and she is in a foreign country with no family members? Unlikely but it is possible. I personally would not want that responsibility. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
Is your sister actually 'working on a project' or is she actually planning on accompanying her partner on his jolly? They both, along with mum, sound a bit feckless to be honest.

I disagree, caring for a seven year old is entirely different to hanging out with teenagers.

Well it is different! The OP has met the step-child twice in 7yrs. She and her nuclear family have no relationship with the girl. She does have a relationship with her own nieces who are her sister's kids. The 7yr old is her sister's husband's kid and only lives there 50% of the time. Why on earth should OP act like the step-child she barely knows is her niece?! It's ridiculous to expect that.

I actually think 50/50 access should be banned. I don't believe it's in the DC best interest at all. It would be better if they're assimilated into one family after a breakup with the adults in that family adopting parental responsibility and see the other parent once a month during the day and possibly one overnight at that time too, if the child wanted it, with the absent parent largely relinquishing parental responsibility. That way kids aren't pulled from pillar to post with two part-time homes and no full-time one. It's even worse for them if they live with other children who are there in the home full time. Better for them to have one full-time home with parent figures living in it and a life built around that and not to feel lesser-than than any step- or half-siblings. None of that has anything to do with OP or this thread though.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax.

If the step child is so easy then your DSIS should be able to manage her big important project.

Jesus - just tell your sister NO!!!

By the same token, there is no difference between mother and stepmother. Or mother and mother in law, sister and sister in law, and so on.

That she’s a little girl is irrelevant. They aren’t her family. The relationship OP has with her nieces is an entirely different one to the relationship between her and her sister’s stepchild.

The op has been clear she has met her more than twice :"We have met the 7 year old more than twice. It’s her mum that has only met us twice."
And I believe your views are ridiculous, blended families aren't easy but where adults are welcoming, loving and inclusive, children and families can thrive. Severing family relationships because marriages have ended is traumatic for everyone and entirely unnecessary.

Your sister is mad as a box of frogs. Hard no would be my response. To taking any of them with you.

As for outsourcing the seven year old, revipe for disaster even if her resident parent OK's it. Its a whackadoodle hairbrained scheme.

Nope to the 7 year old.

D'oh!

I missed that bit (note to self - read OP's more carefully)

Can the child go on holiday with her mother?
Why did the dad agree to travelling for work when it is his week?

I feel very sorry for your two nieces, OP, having to miss out on their grandparents because their step sister's parents are playing pass the (unwanted) parcel with their child. You should not feel guilted into taking her and having your holiday plans sabotaged by childcare needs of an unrelated, much younger child. It's not on you to take the burden of someone else's childcare crisis and lack of planning. I think PP's suggestion that you'll either take just the two older girls or none at all is the right one to suggest.