Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Just take your own children. That's easier and fairer,

My husband’s brother, has 3 children. 1 stepdaughter and 2 biological sons.

She is my niece as much as the boys are my nephews and just as much as my sisters children. So I just don’t get it. I love her just as much (she is probably my favourite as we have more things in common 😂)

Edited to add:
My BIL died when the kids were little. I think my niece was 4ish (now 21) and it made no difference to our relationship with her.

The 7yo can be looked after by her step sisters at home easily.

But if she comes with you then you and your parents become the people responsible as the adults.

Yes it’s a shame that the older 2 miss out on seeing their grandparents but if you don’t want responsibility for an unrelated 7yo then that’s your choice.

My experience of holidaying in big family groups is a 7yo around lots of teens and adults actually doesn’t add any challenge. We are such a big family I forget which kids are my cousins step kids and who is 50/50, full time or EOW. If you’re there you’re invited!

"Sorry, there's no way we're taking a 7yo on holiday. Unless you're telling me she doesn't need supervision around the pool, can get her own food and can be left alone while we go out to amuse herself, then clearly we have different ideas of 'easy'."

If all three stay home, the sister can ask the teens to look after the 7 yo for extra cash while she and the partner get on with their important jobs.

It's rich for the sister to guilt trip OP when the 7 yo has been low down the list of considerations for her actual parents and step parent. Her own mother has gone on holiday without her! So OP shouldn't feel guilty for doing the same.

I feel sorry for the step child here. Why can't her mum have her for half term instead?

This. And as PP said the seven year old is not even your DS's problem. Her parents need to sort out proper child care for her instead of trying to palm her off onto near strangers.

Honestly I can see why you don't want a 7 year old to have responsibility for, but I think you've a terrible attitude about her place in your family you've known her since she was a toddler presumably, if your dsis has been with her father for 6 years, and see her frequently but make a point of distinguishing her as "not your niece". Poor girl! My dsis's step daughter is very much part of my family and my niece and I'd never be able to bring myself to make a point of her not being biologically related as a reason to make it clear she's unwanted. I also have a step sibling who I consider to be my sibling and very much part of my family, so I think you making a point of ensuring the older ones know "they might miss out because of her" is bloody awful and expecting them to openly resent or reject her. Honestly, shame on you for stirring the pot to get your own needs met rather than just saying no to them all to treat the situation fairly. You might as well sit her down and tell her you don't love her as much as her older siblings given it's clear from your behaviour that's the case.

I love my nephews dearly (7 &9), spend a huge amount of time with them and we are as close a family as you get, but I still wouldn’t
take them on holiday with my teens (15 & 16) as they have totally different needs, are a completely different stage and get up too early! That’s not a relaxing holiday at all! OP your sister is being totally unreasonable

How much time do you normally spend with 7yo? It would change the dynamics and responsibilities for you to have a much younger child on tow. Their df needs to find alternative child-care,

And that’s lovely. There will be some families like that I suppose. But not every blended family is like that. I expect the parents/step-parents to love the children the same, but you can’t expect all other family members too. You’re not in charge of how they feel. That’s not fair. And in this situation it doesn’t sound like that. The OP is clearly saying she doesn’t view her the same as her nieces. The older children don’t want her to go. And whilst grandparents don’t mind her coming, they are not saying they want her to come. Yes that’s sad. But reality. And it’s up to the parents to make provision for her, not try and force her on a family that are clearly resisting.
Maybe OP and family haven’t spent as much time with her as you have your niece. Maybe the connection just isn’t there as much. My parents don’t feel the same about my step kids as they do my bio kids. That doesn’t make them horrible people. And the grown up thing to do is make sure that it doesn’t impact on the kids. So that the girl here doesn’t be made to feel that she’s not wanted. But that is OPs sisters job, not her. So actually OP’s sisters decision for no one to go makes sense in that way. I don’t agree with it as that would be like saying sisters children cannot socialise with their cousins without step sister there because it wouldn’t be fair. As I said I’m sure OPs nieces don’t go on all stepdaughters activities/events with maternal side of the family.
Blended families are not fair sometimes. That’s just how it is.

Exactly this. I’m appalled at this girl’s parents and her step mum. Her mum is happy for her to go away with an unrelated family and stay with their family. Completely irresponsible. Let me guess, her mum is off on holiday with a new “partner”.

Tough shit. She's 7.

She can do as she's told. She can't just get her own way and it's not fair on the older two to constantly have to babysit their younger sibling.

Can we be clear about who the 7 year old is/isn't related to?

If I have understood correctly:

The OP has a sister.

The sister has 2 daughters, so they are the OP's nieces.

The sister's partner has a daughter (ie the 7 year old), so she is the sister's stepdaughter. But the sister is NOT the mother of this child.

So the 7 year old is not related to the OP's nieces, she is not their half sibling?

@FallingDream
What would your sister/brother in law do for childcare if you weren’t going in this trip? They’ll just have to revert to that plan, surely? Not your problem! 🤷🏼‍♀️

So the mum has organised a holiday gown herself and not taking her child .. why should you?!
also if the dad isn’t available to look after his child due to working away, the mum shouldn’t have booked the holiday as neither parent is parenting their child, they’re expecting others to pick up their responsibilities. And your sister, she agreed to marry your BIL and step parent, you didn’t make that decision, neither did your parents, your nieces or your own children, so tell your sister that the step child needs to perhaps go on holiday with her own mum, as you’re not taking a young child when you’re away relaxing on your own holiday

"yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different."

Wow.
Just wow.

Poor kid

Hate the half/step labels.

Gross.

She’s on holiday. Which is fair enough as it’s the dad’s week to have her.

What a dramatic reaction to a simple fact.

What a funny angle to take.

I have taught for many many years so have seen first hand the damage to self esteem and confidence labels have. All a half/step label does is diminish someone's belonging or connection to a family.

This is a little girl, who most certainly can feel she is different or out if place if this is how her family speak about her.

Its one thing to decline taking a 7 year old away on holiday when your own children are older teens. I am unsure what the labelling of a step child has to do with any of it

Yes. But I don't think anyone is confused about this.

That’s how I’ve read it. So whilst OPs sister views partners daughter as her step daughter, she’s actually not. Not legally. So it would be OPs sister’s partner and his ex that would have to give written permission etc for OP to take this child abroad. Not OPs sister. It sounds like they would be very happy to though but still, this girl isn’t related. As a mother I’m not sure I would be happy with that. Unless they already spend a large amount of time with these people.
If sister and partner were to break up, would this girl still be considered to go and see OPs parents? I’m guessing not. That’s another reason why it’s not the same.
And for the posters who don’t agree, I’m guessing that wouldn’t be the same to you. That your contact would continue regardless. But we’re not talking about your family. Everyone’s different.
Bottom line, take the fact of whether she’s a blood niece or not out of it. She’s 7. It changes the dynamic of the holiday. OP doesn’t want that. Why are some people trying to make her feel bad for that? God forbid she is allowed to go on holiday with her own children and not have to bring anyone else’s. Nieces or not. Doesn’t matter. OP doesn’t want to. That’s her choice. OPs sister should ring her parents and ask if they mind having her for the week in that case. Why isn’t she doing that then if her ask is so reasonable? OPs going on holiday. Potentially using AL to do so. Why is she being forced to become unpaid childcare whilst doing so? If I took a week off work to relax and my brother asked me if I could look after his kids, it would be a hard no from me. Maybe for a day I would. But not the week.

Quite a few posters were referring to the 7 yr old as the nieces half-sibling

Yanbu. I actually have teenage step-nieces and little bio nephews and feel the younger ones would be more responsibility even though they're related to me. I would just focus on her age in any explanations and say no. It's not about behaviour it's the responsibility of a young child.
The sooner you point blank refuse the more time the parents have to come up with another plan.

I have DC the ages of your two, and also nieces and nephews that age. Zero zero zero chance I would be taking a 7 year old on holiday. Utterly changes the holiday for you, and I also don’t expect my DC to give up their holiday babysitting. It’s their holiday too. It would be a hard no from me. You are prepared to take teens and older and no more!