Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Very true. I don't know where the child's own mother and maternal family are in all this, but it seems they don't want her either, if OP's sister is reduced to twisting OP's arm. I don't think OP should take her, firstly for all the practical reasons another poster suggested, and secondly because nobody on the trip to the grandparents wants this child to tag along, and the child will be aware of that. Holiday clubs and coming home to step-mum at the end of the day seems like the best solution from the child's POV.

I think a 7 yo is easy to manage on the whole.
i think definitely do not offer to take the older two excluding the 7yo.
Id do it for my parents rather than my sister

👆 this

and I’ll add this photo, you can’t treat everyone the same as we are different and have different needs

Such a big responsibility to foist onto you, even if you did just take the teenage nieces. Your family holiday would turn from a family of 4 relaxing with your parents to a family of 7 including a smaller child who definitely would need more supervision. Crazy she thinks you’d want to take 3 extra children abroad with you really… She needs to sort AL or a holiday club like everyone else.

I feel sorry for the 7 year old as it seems no one wants her.
If your sister has been with her dad 6 years then this little girl has been in all of your lives for as long as she can remember as she would only have been 1 when they got together.
I think it's quite sad that she isn't seen as part of the family after all this time and that while not biologically related, your own parents wouldn't show an interest in her (unless they have blanked her for all the years).

I think it would be too much responsibility for you to take her away and would disrupt your week. I have my own 7 year old and have just got back from holiday. While she is now much easier it will change the nature of your break on the following basis:

1. I don’t allow the 7 year old in water unless an adult is present. She is a strong swimmer but still had moments this holiday where she was messing about and swallowed too much water/would have tried to dive or jump into shallower bits. This is the big one for me re why your trip would change.

2. She vomited one day (probably the heat and motion sickness) and needed more looking after. She’d have not done well then without me. First night she cried because she missed her bedroom at home.

3. At the airport she struggled to carry her rucksack and needed one of us to do it so you would need to be conscious of that. One of you would need to be seated with her as well and likely help with airplane toilets etc.

4. mine was quite good at applying sun cream but still needed checking. She was less good at drinking enough and needed reminding.

5. we had planned to do a specific water park and then realised she wasn’t going to be tall enough to go on many of the slides much to my older one’s disappointment. The activities the teens will want to do will be different to the 7 year olds.

So your sister is right that 7 year olds are relatively straight forward but she is absolutely wrong to suggest they are as easy as taking away older teens and it will clearly change the dynamic of the trip.

This is the only answer. You are allowing your sister to debate you on this. You need to politely but firmly shut it down.

If the child is that easy to look after, as your sister says, she won't be a problem for your sister to mind all week or for her husband to find suitable care for her.

Shut the debate down - tell her one last time it's a holiday, not a babysitting club and your husband is also saying no as are your daughters.

She thinks she can wear you down - just keep saying it's not up for discussion now.

But looking after a 7 year old for a day, is one thing, taking her on holiday with you, without her parents, and being responsible for her for a week is quite another, especially when your children are teens. It’s a completely different holiday. It’s not the same. And to pretend it is, is gaslighting. It’s nothing to do with biology. It’s the age that’s the issue. Surprised people can’t see that tbh. Maybe they just don’t want to.

That all makes sense and is fair... but they are a family unit that they have built. You aren't part of that arrangement. They need to figure out their own childcare.

She has been in your sister’s life since she 1? Is that correct? And yet you don’t see her as a niece?

I am with your sister, it’s all or none. She has 3 children.

Taking an extra three children on holiday (regardless of the ages) will be expensive and difficult with transport. How will you travel? Your sister doesn’t see to be taking this on board-she just wants a week off at you expense!

The seven year old deserves a dedicated caregiver when on holiday. I completely understand why you don’t want to be that person for a week. I wouldn’t either. Say no. It’s an age thing.

I would not be taking the 7 year old no matter how lovely / easy she is. She hasn’t ever stayed with you before, it’s a whole week.

And I’m not sure how easy it is to take a small child who is not related to you out of the country. Which is a good thing!!

I do feel for her though, your sister is just trying to dump her on you which is the easiest thing for your sister but definitely not the best thing for the 7 year old.

I’ve taken 7 year olds on school residentials before now for 1 night and I’ve taken 10/11 year olds away for 3 nights. Whilst I appreciate residentials are different, it’s still small children away from home. You don’t know how they are going to be. I’ve had “easy” children who have had terrible homesickness / hated every minute and children who I expected to struggle have no issues at all. You really can’t tell how they will be.

If the 7 year old is homesick / poorly etc. you are not that well known to her AND far away from home. It’s not like your sister can just pop over and pick her up.

This. And make the conversations about your own needs. We need a holiday, we’re happy to HELP YOU out by bringing two teenagers but not a child. So you can decide and end the conversation!

The whole thing is a mess, I’d never let my 7 year old go away with people I’ve met twice. How could her mother possible justify that if something happened?

My sister has children with this age gap, two older ones then a younger son. My children, their cousins all fall in to the older category. He definitely gets treated differently from the others and does not get to do all the things the older ones do, because he’s younger. Sometimes it’s to his advantage but mostly it isn’t but that is just the way it is. He isn’t the same age as his siblings and cousins, he can’t go on holiday with us or to concerts because he’s too young. We can’t all stop doing things with the other kids just so he doesn’t miss out or they won’t get to do age appropriate activities.

Not the same situation, but FWIW: I'm the youngest of five children, same father and mother, spread over 15 years. We grew up mainly abroad and got sent "home" to our grandparents (at their explicit invitation) during the summers starting when we were 12. Younger than that, we stayed home and visited only when our parents could take us and stay with us, because it was unfair to ask my grandparents to be responsible for young children for such a long period of time, and unreasonable to expect the older children to take over what was the parents' responsibility looking after the younger children. There was no "step" issue here and no one - not even me, the youngest by six years! - thought to argue that we weren't being "treated equally". It was just practicality, fairness, and common sense.

In your place, I'd be happy to take the teens. The main formal responsibility there would be serving as an adult during the journey, since regulations for unaccompanied minors flying are much stricter now. The 7yo, no way - the only possibility would be if they sent a carer, like an au pair, along with her or hired someone locally to do that. Unpleasant as it is I'd have to be firm on this. If your sister and BIL are really going to insist on "equal treatment" then it should be fully clear to everyone including your nieces and your parents that it is the parents who are arbitrarily preventing the older girls from going.

Look at it this way…….you take the child with you and she becomes seriously ill or has an accident, she needs emergency treatment and consent forms need signing BUT you are NOT her next of kin!
This poor kid is being shoved from one adult to another and sadly is little more than an inconvenience to them all!
This is her bio father and bio mother’s responsibility and they need to sort childcare for her between them, not palm her off on random blended relatives to suit their own plans!
You need to have the conversation with your sister and explain that her DH and his ex need to sort this out themselves.

A 7 year old is not easy to manage compared to teenagers. You can walk out of the house and leave a teenager, they can make tea etc etc, bring themselves places, feed themselves. You can’t do that with a 7 year old.
The grandparents would probably be happy enough to have a chill time with their teenager grandkids without adding a 7 year old into the mix.

It’s daft and the sister is being pushy. I’d someone asks you to do them a big favour and you say no, that’s the answer.

I have a blended family. And whilst I will absolutely treat all the children the same, I don’t expect extended family members to do the same. Because it’s not the same.
So I would not be going on holiday and excluding one child whether it’s my step child or not. However if my brother/sisters wanted to take just my bio children away, I would not expect her to take my step kids too. It would never be a suggestion. Just like I wouldn’t expect the family of my partners ex to take my children away. That would be crazy to me!
My step children spend a week with their maternal grandparents each summer. My children have never been invited. Why would they?! Your sister needs to get a grip. Her SD is not adopted. She has a whole other side of the family. It is really sad that it seems that everyone is trying to palm her off but that doesn’t mean the burden is on you. Shame on your sister and the girls parents for making her seem like an inconvenience.

I also think it is an age thing. The teens will have such a great time together and the seven year old will be bored and lonely. Why can't your sister see that they are being selfish?
I would also be very firm. "We have no problems taking the teens as then we are just doing what we'd be doing anyway. I'm not taking a seven year old with me on my relaxing week away. Take it or leave it.". Already a generous offer.

A 7 year old is just finishing infant school and only just starting at junior school in the UK. They definitely aren’t self sufficient. Aged 7 is the age that kids start school in other European countries. I have a 7 and 10 year old and the 7 year old needs a LOT of attention.

As I see it (with limited information about the family, of course)….

OP had to have

Absolutely this. And whilst I agree that the biology doesn't matter it is relevant here because the younger child does have another parent. If the father can't change his own trip then why not ask the girl's mum to keep her that week.

cont…..

As I see it (with limited information about the family, of course)….

OP has to have her break. And her own family need a break without the extra stress of other children to look after.

The 7 year old is in a bit of a weird situation - gets left at home whilst siblings go on holiday. Or goes on holiday with a load of people she doesn’t know. Thus, all 3 children stay at home with mum and go on a holiday to see grandparents another time.

Agree with all of the above.
Plus what about things like bedtimes? Activities that interest her teenage cousins and siblings won't nec be appropriate for her.
Even the easiest of 7 yr olds have to be supervised in a way that the other kids don't.
I would say to your sister that you want ro relax and enjoy a break, which you simply can't do with a young child to look after.