Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Just don’t take any. Your sister is saying it’s all or none, so it’s none. Then move on

This.

Also the little girl’s dad needs to look after her in his contact time. Pathetic from him. And I say this as someone in a senior role with a fair amount of travel. This is not your problem, OP, and being responsible for a seven year old on holiday completely changes said holiday!

Really? Compared to independent 17 year olds???

You've obviously jumped on the step child but and concluded it's because she's a stepchild.

It would even take a bit of sense if the kids were about the same age but not when her kids are 16 and 17 and you expect looking after a 7 year old will be easy. No it wouldn't.

And the fact is her sister and her husband are trying to push her kids and Steph old to OP to look after so she can have some free time.

I get where you're coming from but it's not your place to suggest that. If he's decides and asks you to take the older 2 done, if not let her know you can't take all 3 because you don't want to look after a smaller child while ok a relaxing holiday simple. Don't make it a her child v her step child situation.

Once again the myth of the 'blended family' is exposed.

Your DSis chose to get together with a man with a very young child (1) when her own children were 9 and 7.

None of the children chose this.

Neither did you and your family.

Your sister demands that all 3 children are treated the same, but this is quite clearly ridiculous as they are obviously not the same, they are different.

The now 7 year old goes off to live with her other family 50% of the time. The older two do not go with her.
That is different.
Their step-sister's mum doesn't take them on holiday with her, why would she?!
That is different.
I'm sure she doesn't spend every Easter/Christmas/New Year/birthday with your DSis' family.
That is different.

The older two DC do not want to babysit their stepsister, not surprisingly.

And you, very understandably, don't want to take her away with you on a teen family holiday.

You will never fully relax, you won't all be able to do the same activities, and none of the teens want her there.

Tell your sister that she can look upon her SD however she wants, but she can't make the rest of her extended family see her the same way.

Your DSis and her partner have a childcare problem.

Not her teen daughters.

And not you.

You are not required to solve it.

Tell her you will not be taking the 7 Yr old under any circumstances.

But you are happy to take the older girls as they require minimal supervision, are close to your own daughters, and want to see their grandparents.

If she still insists you have all 3 or none, then she will have to explain to her 2 bio daughters why they can't go with their aunt, uncle, and cousins to visit their grandparents.
Her choice.

If that is the only childcare option this year, I would suggest that your brother-in-law offers his own SD15 a paid holiday job of looking after her DSS overnight and for 6 hours each day (7 - 10 am) and (5 - 8 pm) on your family holiday. This would only work if your parents and you can look after his DD7 for the rest of the tme. And if his DSD was keen for the job.

Otherwise he should be swapping his time with his ex or booking his daughter into a holiday club.

I think you have been perfectly reasonable here. DSis can have her two older kids out of her hair and with you or she can keep them all. You've offered something. I was initially minded to think you were being unkind when you said she's not blood and therefore you didn't want her, but when I saw your rationale eg you would be nervous to be as strict I changed my mind. Basically your sister needs to sort out her childcare for the little one and is finding that stressful. That's understood and appreciated, but it doesn't mean it is reasonable to ask you to have her for a week. How long is her partner away for, could you offer to have the three of them overnight for a day or something? (If you felt you really needed to offer something beyond that which you already have). I also don't think your sister is being unreasonable about saying you taking the older two won't work - the little one is obviously going to be upset that dad is away and then would be doubly so about her sisters being away. But that is not your problem to solve.

It's absolutely the OP'S 'place' to suggest whatever she likes and is comfortable doing.

DSis can agree with OP'S offer, or not. Her choice.

Have you considered how upset DSis' older two children are going to be that they are missing out on a holiday with their cousins and spending time with their grandparents?

And how resentful that might make them towards their SS?

The little girl's FATHER is the responsible parent at this time. He needs to either change his work plans or find another solution eg paid childcare, holiday club etc etc.

I disagree. Personally I don't buy into the you must do the exact same thing for children and stepchildren, I was a stepchild and it's unrealistic to expect that every child and stepchild will have the exact way experiences and things all the time but we also seem to be in this age where people have unrealistic demands.

OP'a issue is she doesn't want to look after a 7 year which absolutely makes sense, I wouldn't as well. She tells her sister that and it's up to her sister to decide what she wants to do.

It's not OP's place to ask or insist that her sister lets her take the older 2 kids or not. That's a decision for her sister and I guess her husband.

Obviously she can't insist on taking the older two girls, but of course she can ask!

Her daughters and their cousins are close and get on well, it would be a great trip for them.

The irony is that if the SD was due to spend half term with her mum, it wouldn't be an issue at all that the two older girls joined their aunt's trip!

These are all perfectly valid reasons to say no.

But I think your sister's just going to pick away at the reasons one by one and try to change your mind.

You just need to say 'No. I don't want to take her" and stop debating, IMO.

I wouldn’t be taking the 7 year old! Why isn’t she on holiday with her mum?

Why are you listening to whatever your sister says as if it’s gospel? Are you a bit intimidated by her? Your opinions and wants are just as important as hers yet you seem to be giving more weight to hers and thinking you might be just a bit unreasonable.

Look if it wasn’t your sister what would you think about being expected to take a random child on holiday? Because really it’s totally unreasonable to expect this. Her work situation and her husband’s work travel are not your problem to solve, they’re theirs but you somehow seem to think you owe them to help sort it out. Whether she is an easy child, you’re going anyway, she doesn’t want to miss out, her mother’s away, your parents are fine about it are all red herrings. Because the basic point is it’s extremely unreasonable to expect someone to take someone else’s small child on their one family holiday.

Answer me this question, would she do the same for you in reverse? Because her request is so cheeky that I’m thinking she wouldn’t dream of it. She’d be convincing you of all the reasons why it wouldn’t work for her. And you’d see those as reasonable too. I couldn’t even vote in this because while I think you’re being perfectly reasonable saying no I think you’re being totally unreasonable bending over backwards to see her POV. Her husband should’ve thought about this before agreeing on a work trip when it’s supposed to be his time with his daughter. That’s the nub of it and he has to sort it, not you and your DH and children.

And finally have you not considered your DH’s feelings in this? It’s going to spoil things for him too and doesn’t he deserve a relaxing holiday too?

I guarantee you’ve spent more time thinking about this child’s holiday care arrangements than her own father has.

disgusting entitled male behaviour.

I have children around the age of 7- when they are old enough to look after themselves on holiday- like fuck will I be open to bringing a small child with us again. Time to relax.

Does SD’s mum even know you’ll be taking her out of the country? Before you agree to anything you need to ask this question! And no I wouldn’t even entertain taking a 7 year old child who wasn’t related what if anything were to happen ! Your sister and DH are piss takers and need to sort out their childcare

I have a 7 year old. Just spent two weeks on holiday with him. He was up by 7.30-‘ every single day of the holiday! Even the days he was in bed late.

And believe me, my 15 yo dd did not “babysit” him. It was her holiday, she maximised late nights and lie-ins! I don’t think four teens would enjoy a 7 yo tagging along - the dynamic will be weird.

So I agree - you can’t relax with an unrelated 7 yo, plus you can’t expect the teen cousins to want to hang out with a “baby” sibling when they have each other for company.

I think your dsis is being massively unreasonable. We have regular conversations with my ds7 to explain why his dsis15 is going on a two day camping trip with her friends and he can’t go, or why she gets to stay up til 10.30pm but he can’t. If your dsis can’t explain to her dd7 that sometimes older kids get to do stuff that little kids can’t yet, then there’s not much you can do. I think you say to her that in this situation you won’t take any of her kids, if she feels that’s the on of fair thing to do.