AIBU to think my husband is lying about another school mum?

[Ailiss]

So, I have woken up this morning to a fairly devastating message and my husband is not helping at all.
To cut a long story short, I have woken up to a message from one of the mums at DS's school telling me that both on Friday when she dropped her DD off (Scotland so we went back last week), and yesterday when she dropped her DD off at Gymnastics and went to sit in her car (DS goes to gymnastics too), my DH made some sexual advances on her.
She didn't elaborate, I have asked her to but she messaged around 9pm last night and I only just saw it when I woke up this morning, so she might be busy this morning and just hasn't seen my reply.
I asked DH for more info, and he said thats just not true. He claims he hardly spoke to her on Friday, and yesterday when he saw her parked up offered to buy her a coffee, so he did then they sat in her car together, he claims nothing else happened.
However last year he did make a joke about some of the mums of DS's friends being "smoking hot, 10/10s".
I know this woman fairly well, she is married, but much younger than us, maybe mid-20s, DH and I are knocking on 40. I actually went to school with her older brother and remember her when she was very small!

AIBU to think DH is just lying to me? What would she get out of sending me that if it wasn't true?

Don't dismiss this as new mum being tired and misinterpreting his comments. That's the cowards way out and you do yourself and this woman a disservice if you let it slide under that excuse. I don't know how tired you'd have to be to misconstrue the skirt looking better on the bedroom floor remark!

Ummm normal people CAN do all the things you’ve listed (be friends with, do hobbies with, have coffee with, message with) the opposite sex AS Friends!
We do NOT live in Victorian times. It’s perfectly appropriate to have friends (just friends) of the opposite sex.

(Obviously inappropriate stuff like the DH in this situation is not on)

Oh, the number of times I read this nonsense on MN - I wish I had a penny every time.... Oh, my dh is friends with a lady - they go cold-water swimming, oh, damn, it turns out he has been sleeping with many people in the cold water swimming group - oh, my dh started kissing his female friend in our house, I caught on it doorbell camera - how predictable, how utterly predictable. Oh, my husband wants to go to France with his female friend, they are just friends - and then oh, it turns out they were sleeping together.

Yet nobody is willing to connect the dots - The Woman in the Dunes describes perfectly what happens, if you put a man and a woman in proximity, even if they are unattracted to each other initially.

Oh wow. How embarrassing 😂😂 so glad I'm of the younger less mature generation... OP this is girl code. Shes telling you because basically the vast majority absolutely can't stand married men cheating on their misses. DH is obviously out of line, and if you cant even trust him to take the kids to gymnastics without hitting on some woman with her baby sleeping in the back, I'd be getting my ducks in a row 💕

Those remarks about clothes and scent are completely inappropriate coming from a random kid's dad. Plenty of other chit chat available that's not personal. Weather, kids, holidays.. no need to stray into creep territory or into the woman's car either.

I guess it depend son what she is classing as advances?

I have had 2 managers at work literally come at my as I came through the door a few times and comment on how I looked. Like it was a LOT, and I did sort of slide behind a colleague.

Some might class that as an advance - but then I often look like I was dragged into work. So sometimes they get a surprise.

Reading the updates and I now totally agree.

What a sleazeball he is.

Yeah I highly doubt it’s the first time he’s come on to a woman if he’s confident enough to jump
in her car uninvited.

Agree

I would believe her. He doesn't say he didn't speak to her on Friday, but that he hardly spoke to her. So he did speak to her. And because she didn't respond by saying "Fuck off and get away from me, you creep" for the reasons she explained, he took it further on Saturday. She has nothing to gain by telling you. He tried to make a move on her. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

I hope you're doing okay OP?

Re: your comment that he doesn't usually sit in his car when he takes DC to his hobby, plus his comment that she just happened to be "parked right beside him", I'd hazard a guess that he deliberately sought her out and parked alongside her car. If she was reading at the time, then she was there before him. That makes it all the more creepy. It's likely he was chancing his luck because she wasn't able to shutdown the gross comments that he made about her clothing the day before.

He sounds like the type who would accuse any women who spurned his advances and told him to fuck-off of being a lesbian.

I think the correct question is "what on earth are you on?" 🤔

OP so sorry you’re dealing with this, you deserve better! You will lose your self esteem if you stay with him.

to those who have said why did she let him in the car, I was a young mum and had older dads/men so this with me, I would freeze and comply, it’s called a fawn response, I hated myself for years for not calling it out at the time until I understood why

No. The last thing I’d do is “laugh”

We only hear about the affairs and disasters on here of course. That doesn’t mean there aren’t many many normal people having happy, non sexual, friendships with men/women of the opposite sex. That never ever lead to shagging. Don’t tar everyone with the same animalistic low brush as the bawbags we hear about on here when women come for advice and support.

I am sorry it's happening, but glad the woman was brave enough to tell you.
It really does sound like your husband is lying, and it's probably not the first time.

You should do the same xx

It sounds like it happened as she said it did. He will continue lying though because what would be the benefit of telling the truth? So you will never be able to prove it. Question is, what do you want to do now?

Sorry op 😢

I think that woman is trying to help you know what your husband is doing behind your back. If my husband was behaving that way I would want to know. Id assess her character (nice and normal?) and base my judgement of her comment on that and not on dh replies. I mean he's not going to say to his wife he's trying it on with younger women to you, is he. Id be very concerned

@Velumental My husband does 3/5 school drops and pick ups, talks to all our kids mums and manages to stick to topics like how exhausted we all are, work related chat and the bands on the t shirts he wears. Men can talk to women without bordering on verbal sexual assault

Yes...

I didn't say all men who talk to multiple women will try to cheat...

I said it's a RISK that a partner who talks to multiple women will try to cheat. I was speaking in terms of risk and probability. Do you understand?

The risk doesn't come from the talking to women it comes from being a perv. Do you understand?

@Velumental The risk doesn't come from the talking to women it comes from being a perv. Do you understand?

Yes, that's another risk factor.

There can be multiple risks for a single issue... they're not mutually exclusive... ...

Men talking to women is not a risk factor for anything UNLESS they are a perv. So the 2 are not the same at all

A man who talks to multiple women is far, far more likely to cheat than a man who never talks to women, because talking to women is a prerequisite for cheating.

But sure, continue to disregard what I say and then wonder why you find yourself with untrustworthy partners.