AIBU to think my husband is lying about another school mum?

[Ailiss]

So, I have woken up this morning to a fairly devastating message and my husband is not helping at all.
To cut a long story short, I have woken up to a message from one of the mums at DS's school telling me that both on Friday when she dropped her DD off (Scotland so we went back last week), and yesterday when she dropped her DD off at Gymnastics and went to sit in her car (DS goes to gymnastics too), my DH made some sexual advances on her.
She didn't elaborate, I have asked her to but she messaged around 9pm last night and I only just saw it when I woke up this morning, so she might be busy this morning and just hasn't seen my reply.
I asked DH for more info, and he said thats just not true. He claims he hardly spoke to her on Friday, and yesterday when he saw her parked up offered to buy her a coffee, so he did then they sat in her car together, he claims nothing else happened.
However last year he did make a joke about some of the mums of DS's friends being "smoking hot, 10/10s".
I know this woman fairly well, she is married, but much younger than us, maybe mid-20s, DH and I are knocking on 40. I actually went to school with her older brother and remember her when she was very small!

AIBU to think DH is just lying to me? What would she get out of sending me that if it wasn't true?

And I’m guessing he got her the coffee and then insisted on sitting with her in her car- I can’t imagine how uncomfortable she felt.

I’d call her in front of him. She sounds quite straightforward. See what she has to say and watch his response. Good luck

So, she has replied, my husband has just gone out to the shop so I can't get his take right now but she said. On Friday she was wearing a skirt and he said "I can think of places that skirt would look better", she said when she went along saying where? he said "on the bedroom floor". She says she laughed and said to him they are both married.

Then yesterday they were talking about hobbies, and when she mentioned her hobbies, he said, so you are flexible? and then said, shame you are married. He then apparently touched her on the back when they were walking in to get the kids. She claimed she was uncomfortable having him sat in the car, but got a bit anxious about saying no, as he could see she was only reading.

I still don't see why she would lie?

This is the inherent risk of having a husband who talks to multiple women.

What?

Sounds like that?

Sorry you're going through this @Ailiss . Not nice. He sounds like a creep looking for an affair.

Yeah he sounds like a creep.

@Ailiss given your updates I’d be inclined to believe her as it seems very strange to make up (unless you have some past conflict either with her/her family/child etc). It’s possible your husband thinks this is harmless chat (if he’s really dense and doesn’t understand social norms) but it sounds more like he was pushing his luck. Whether he would pursue if she’d responded positively or not is difficult to say. Could just be he enjoys the thrill of what he views as light flirting or he could be testing the waters to see if she’d be interested in something more. Regardless it’s disgusting and not ok, I would be horrified and very upset if my husband had done this. I think his initial response also gives validity to what she’s saying. What you do next is up to you but there is definitely a breach of trust as a minimum.

Sitting in her car would flag my interest. Are they friends? Is that normal behaviour to go sit in her car?

It’s one thing to chat to other parents, and maybe it’s a location thing, but actively going and sitting in someone’s car seems like a more proactive thing to me. Like looking for an opportunity to spend time in a semi private space

Sounds like flirting on his part. That coupled with the comments about “smoking hot” is concerning. I think he is testing the water with her and seeing if she flirts back. As others have said, he wasn’t surprised by the message.

I would be very, very wary OP

However last year he did make a joke about some of the mums of DS's friends being "smoking hot, 10/10s"

That's not a joke. That is him telling you that when he is around the other school mums he is rating them as to how sexually attractive they are. Give women ratings out of 10 is a disgusting misogynistic thing to do anyway.

So having told you last year he finds these mums sexually attractive he has bought this younger attractive woman and sat in the car with her on a one on one basis.

I would totally believe he has made these remarks and I'm surprised you are surprised. And as another pp said his reaction was a give away.

I don't think he is to be trusted tbh. His remark last year was so disrespectful to you and to these other women going about their ordinary lives and being letched over by your H.

Some people thrive on drama and stirring

Yup, he's a creep 🤮

Yer what?

I think this sums it up. And even if it's just 'flirting', it's disrespectful (tomOP and the woman herself) and pretty gross

He’s a creep 🤢 even if he wasn’t looking to actually do anything, his comments are gross and unforgivable in my opinion.

Urgh creepy man on verge of mid life crisis and hitting on wonan young enough to be his dd ...
Ick
Very huge ick.

If he did indeed say the skirt comment then what a corny, sleazy creep he is. It’ll be interesting to see how he explains himself out of that one.

Honestly it sounds very plausible. Presumably there's no back story as to why she might want to create drama between you two, but if there were, I would think she'd say something more dramatic if she wanted to be sure of rocking the boat.
I wonder if your husband doesn't think he's doing anything wrong (yet) because as others have said, he's testing the water, or in his mind it's 'just banter', it does sound like he's being a creep.

This reminds me of when I sold my house and moved as my husband looked at the neighbour

There’s no way a mum who has a kid at school with yours would make something like this up for shits and giggles. She is risking a lot in telling you and she is doing you a favour being transparent.

You clearly don’t find it implausible either based on previous experience.

Sorry but your husband sounds like a world class sleaze.

God, what a horrible morning - you poor thing. This is all so specific, it would be v strange for her to have made it all up.

He sounds like a predatory creep and a sleaze.
No way would I not believe her.
I am so sorry.

Not only does she not have motive to lie about this. But moreso she has motive to not tell you about it. No good can come from this for her.

He on the other hand, has obvious motive to lie about it.

I have absolutely no idea what you do about it though. He's done something absolutely wrong, to you and to other people. This impacts your son's hobby. His friends. You don't know she won't or hasn't told others about it. She could tell the gym about it.

He has well and truly shat where his whole family eats. And how far would he have taken if she'd been receptive.

If another mum texted me something like this, my instinct would be to believe her.

I would say I trust my DH to a pretty high level and think he is pretty wonderful, and as far as I know, our relationship is in a good place. However, I don't believe that any of us can trust another human being 100 percent, no matter how much we love them. Nor can any of us ever know 100 percent what our other half is thinking and feeling, no matter how well we feel we know them and how close we feel. People are complicated. People have different facets to them. People change.

Perhaps that's an overly cynical perspective but I've simply seen too many people blindsided by infidelity or floored by other breaches of trust that they wouldn't have predicted. I think it's pretty naive and arrogant for anyone to assume that they can magically see into some else's soul and that betrayal is something that only happens to other people.

It is also very unlikely for a woman to lie about this sort of thing. I'm sure it does happen - again, my cynical outlook won't allow me to believe that someone is always truthful just because they're a woman, and women can experience jealousy and vengefulness and spite and indeed innocent misinterpretation just as men can. But I doubt most women most of the time would make something like this up. It does seem to be a situation in which the woman has nothing to gain and a great deal to lose.

Men trying to turn women against one another by insinuating to one that the other is deranged / manipulative / dishonest / confused is one of the oldest tricks in the book.

Men telling women that they clearly don't love them and trust them when they have legitimate worries and questions is another.

Any reasonable person would be concerned in your position.

Why did he sit in her car? That’s not something my DH would do