To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

I have got 2 under 5 and it would be fine for me to do, as long as it didn't mess up other plans/DH wasn't working. I'd feel guilty missing out on time with the kids though, but that's a me issue.

Asked?

You are in a coercively controlling relationship.
This is a crime.
His sulking is abusive.
You need to talk to Women's aid for advice and support.
You need to leave this abusive marriage.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Abuse thrives in secrecy.
He doesn't like you laughing with others?
Chilling.

This. I've just read this out to my OH and he looked as staggered as I did!

Yes, of course. I would tell him I was going, I wouldn't have to ask.

Of course. He'd be pleased for me and tell me to have a great time.

This is controlling behaviour and very worrying OP. It sounds like he wants to isolate you from your friends and that is very bad news. You need to have a bit of freedom and to be able to see other people not just him. You need to have a serious chat with him.

I think he’s jealous of my friends because I am probably closer to some of them than to him emotionally.
There have been many times I’ve turned things down because I couldn’t bear the fallout of asking. He will sometimes just shut me down - like don’t mention this again.
I have been away with my sister very rarely (twice in ten years - just overnight) and he’s not as bad about that.
I know he shouldn’t have the final say but somehow he does. I worry he’ll take it out on the kids. The older one will not be as bothered but the younger one will be upset.

This is not a healthy relationship. He sounds very controlling. Is he like this in other aspects of your relationship?

’allowed’!!! This is a very controlling and unhealthy relationship.

I would not be asking permission and would go even if told I was not allowed.

Can you just read your post back and imagine it was your friend or sister talking about their partner this way? How okay does it sound to you now?

He's conditioned you to do as he says or you or the kids will suffer basically. As so many have said this is a very controlling, unhealthy and very likely abusive relationship.

No one here is going to say they would be allowed or banned from doing anything by their partner if the relationship is healthy and equal.

12 & 18

wtf op

my kids are way younger 2&5 and I’d just put something like this into the calendar no discussion needed - I’d just go

you need to leave this controlling arse

If he takes things like this out on the kids then he's a rubbish father. Do remember that when you are thinking of what to do. Maybe kids can have sleepovers at friends while you're away. He can sit on his own and stew.

I think the guilt your feeling is normal as your never away, but your husband is..... I might feel I'm taking the piss leaving husband to watch youngl kids 2 weekends in a row, but a 18/12 year old? Nope
Your not booking another weekend, your taking a last minute change of plan place, possibly not even having to pay? it's like finding a £10 in the street, a lovely surprise!
If he does have a problem with it, that's a problem you can delve into once your back rested from spa. Your a grown human being, would you stop your 18 year old doing the same? You have as much rights as the rest of the people in your house x

Was gonna say as well if your worried how he is with the 12 year old maybe send them
to stay elsewhere those weekends if possible!

you need to start doing things for yourself - your kids are nearly grown - are you going to spend the rest of your life trapped in your house with a controlling man or live and enjoy yourself

You worry he'll take it out on the kids?

Why are you not making plans for you and the kids to leave?

The way he treats you all is not ok.

This is really concerning, I think you should consider leaving.

Honestly, if this was me, would remembering what my darling, extremely intelligent DM said to me once.

You are born Jane Smith. You will always be Jane Smith. Any other name is by your own choice. Don’t ever allow anyone to tell you different.

So, @Lighterthansprite , should you care to express an opinion on his behaviour (but don’t want to separate even though you would need your head read), start changing everything back to your maiden name. Make sure he knows you are an independent, grown woman who has her own identity and you only give it away if the value of the alternative is worthwhile.

But never let it be said I don’t know how to be petty.

You know that your marriage is awful and quite dangerous for you and your children. You are too scared to leave because he will probably take it out on the children. Please speak to Women's Aid or another domestic abuse charity for help and advice.

You and your children deserve so much better than living with a spiteful, controlling and childish man who makes himself feel better by putting you down while relying on your to do everything for him and the children.

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

‘Take it out on the kids’ in what way?

This is an abusive man.

Sweetheart, this is highly controlling and abusive behaviour. Please seriously consider leaving this marriage. Life will drastically improve for you if you are no longer under his control.

Are these responses making you realise you are not in a good relationship?

OP, I agree with pp: you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse comes in many different forms - this is one of them. Please, please take stock of your situation and consider your next steps.

Please don’t use your kids as a reason to put up with this. This isn’t about them, and it’s worse to model a deeply unhealthy controlling relationship to them than have them upset as their parents disagreed. If he takes it out on the kids you leave. What you don’t do is decide to stay and be abused and controlled, so as to avoid upset and allow life to go smoothly