How to overcome using childcare as coercive control.

[Emotionstorn]

Single mum to SEN child 7yo
dad piece of shit refusing to watch child so I can do anything

school holidays
I’m drowning
my mum asked me to the theatre tonight. he’s kicked off spat his dummy out and gone home leaving child here. Can’t go.
genuinely had enough. When does this get better when will I have a life and friends again

She’s 7 so going in to year 3 in September

lie in bed crying seems to be my go to activity 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well at least there’s two of us!

Soon school will start. Get some pizzas (and vitamins) and hold tight till next week. Maybe then you could have a day off and do some things for yourself. But I know it’s not just that, it’s the hurt feeling that nobody cares or is helping. It is such a sad feeling.

Have you watched Terminator? Sometimes I like thinking of the ultimate lone mum, Sarah Connor. I’ve got a pic of her on my laptop.

It is so hard when you dont have any family or family who can help, I'm not sure there are any quick, easy answers.

But it is hard and it is unfair that its all on your shoulders.

my ex wont take her out. and its all very well and good saying if he doesn’t see her life will be no different but im drowning.

People on here understand what you're saying about drowning but they can't wave a magic wand for you.
While you're allowing your ex to dictate in that he'll only see your DD at your house you'll continue to drown, while he stands by and watches.

He isn't going to make the move, he's quite happy sitting his arse on your sofa and calling it his fair share of parenting, so your choices are you start taking control or stay as you are.

You need to separate all that's wrong in your life instead of clumping them together and deal with one senario at a time.

Harsh that sounds, but unfortunately the last 7 years of how you're going on now hasn't achieved much.

That’s exactly what it is

its the hurt that my health comes even below an aerobics class. the worry that should anything happen to me that dd will end up in foster care or worse

i am angry at my mum also, because she seems to be forgetting the amount of help she had when i was little. i remember spending a week or 2 at my grandparents at a time!

Three! My toddler isnt at school yet though, I'm with him 24/7 (I have a nursery place booked for him next year) Its a wild ride. His dad left almost a year ago, saw him every 6 weeks and then completely disappeared in January.

What a bastard @BinNightTonight. I’m so sorry you’re in the cry in bed club too.

i think social media makes it worse. when you see the perfect happy families of dads taking their kids abroad etc or even just having them every other weekend over night

becaude or my job also I don’t get Xmas and new year off automatically so i have spent them working from home due to childcare issues. Am i a selfish woman if I say that i would have never had children if i knew this was life

Try Homestart, you may have to wait before you can be matched with a volunteer, but get yourself on the list. They work with families with children up to 12.

@Emotionstorn I don’t think that’s selfish, it’s ok to be honest. I don’t think anyone would choose lone parenting of this sort (born from an abusive situation). I’ve got lots of things I wouldn’t choose: my upbringing, the house I live in, the autoimmune problems. I know the job is to make something good from it but I often don’t know how to find the energy.

YES!!!!

this is literally it, it’s the exhaustion of having shit on top of shit pile up and there’s no one to help you

please feel free to message me if you want a friend albeit an online one x

Would she manage with a normal babysitter then if you wanted to go out? Too late for this summer holidays but holiday clubs? Most are pretty accommodating of children with additional needs.

If she is in mainstream school can you use after school club/childminder even one or two days a week? You can use tax free childcare to knock 20% off the bill.

What are school doing to support?

I don’t think you should be knocking your mother Emotionstorn. From what you have said, it sounds like your mother picks your daughter up from school, say at 3.30, and then looks after her overnight on two days each week - Monday and Tuesday. That to me equals a lot of childcare help from her.

In a similar position. I don’t have much in the way of answers.
i am continually lying to my dc about where I am/what I am doing.
i am in a new relationship and we have rented a flat where I stay when my ex has the children. It’s actually grim stage managing it all.

PLEASE ask for a carer’s assessment in your own right.

Put dickhead partner through CMS and squeeze some more out of him to cover childcare

Ask for a mandatory reconsideration on DLA

Claim universal credit with the extra element for having a disabled child.

Apply for EHCP and get a social care assessment for your child.

I am honestly debating going to see a doctor tonight. I have been crying since yesterday.

I don’t want to be here anymore because it’s relentless.

He said I spoiled yesterday and bullied me into giving him £50 he won’t give it me back

Do you qualify for UC and does your dd get Free School Meals? If so you may qualify for HAF (Holiday Activities Fund) especially as you get DLA for her. That then would enable you to use a holiday day for yourself as she would be in an approved play scheme. It may be worth asking your LA for future holidays, it tends to be the main holidays, not half terms.

OP, apologies if you have answered these questions but it’s difficult to read all posts.

Why are you allowing your ex to see your daughter at your home ? This surely shouldn’t be happening. If he hasn’t got anywhere suitable to take her or isn’t able to parent her without someone else involved then he should be seeing her at a contact centre or not seeing her at all. Him being in your and your daughter’s home will confuse her and is not appropriate.

Is the money he is giving you through CMS and if not, why not ? Why are you giving him money ? Whether you think you will get it back or not ?

I feel you are still emotionally entangled with him even if it’s only due to your feelings for your daughter. Is there anyone who can help you to disentangle with him ?

Stop letting him in your house.
Stop chatting with him.
Stop parenting at the same time as him.
Stop buying him things.
Stop lending/giving him money.

Doorstep hangovers if he would like to spend time with his child he can take her out. This can be for a walk to the park/library, to his mum's, a cafe, basically anywhere but yours!

Offer him a set slot once a week where he is welcome to take her out and that's that. Not up for discussion.

I think you should get in touch with women's aid, and do the freedom programme. He's still emotionally and financially abusing you. you need to extract him from your life. The only contact you need is when you open the door and wave your child off from an outing / open the door to let her in from a daddy outing. Nothing more.

If you weren't having money extracted from you by him you'd have money for a sitter sometimes.

What would happen if you refused to let him into your house? If he doesn’t take her out then he doesn’t get to see her .
i suppose he would stop giving you money for her . Some men are shit .

Hi op, I have 2 children with an ex that didn't take them with any reliability. He would be late, not turn up, leave earlier than he said he would etc etc, I couldn't go out as there was no one to watch the children. My advice is to get a baby sitter, yes its really bloody expensive, and it can only be afforded every now and then.

I would also stop him coming into my home, I made this mistake and it just meant he had to make no effort at all to sort of the problem, because he didn't see it as a problem.

I'd also ask his mum to help.

I'd also take him to the CSA.

Firstly, I'd try explaining to your DM how you are struggling atm and ask her to have dd for x 2 hours this weekend.

Second, I'd promise yourself x 5 days off sick as soon as dd goes back to school. You can self-certify the first 7 days of sickness yourself, by law.

In that week research charities that might be able to help. Definitely include Home Start voluntary buddies in that. But also have a plan for each day that puts you first.

I agree with banning your ex from your house. It's not fair and not right that you don't get that break and have your home and space invaded by someone who is hostile to you.

You don't mention your finances as an issue, so if you can manage say £30 a month to pay a nice responsible teen to take your dd eg swimming that will be some time to look forward to.

Also, if your dd if mild SEN could you start working on getting her to accept you can go the bathroom for say a 20 min bath on your own while she watches tv. Basically you need to train her into giving you a few mini breaks through the day, for the sake of both of you.

Does she have friends? I found when a friend was round I got a great break.

Lastly, if you ask for a carer's assessment then a social worker can plan temp fostering for when you are in hospital. It's important that you look after your health and they should be able to help you do that.

You have my utmost sympathy and sound at the end of your tether. Hang on though, nothing stays the same forever. Look after yourself x

Contact your friends and explain your reasons for not being in contact. I'm sure there will be at least one who will respond.
As pp have said he sees the children away from your home. He's using seeing them at yours to control you.
Contact women's aid or similar and see if there are any support groups in your area. There may be drop ins, you can access. Is there any family centres that run groups for you during the holidays? Search local groups in your area.
Talk to your mum about how you are feeling.
I hope there is some improvement for you soon. 🙏 💐