How to overcome using childcare as coercive control.

[Emotionstorn]

Single mum to SEN child 7yo
dad piece of shit refusing to watch child so I can do anything

school holidays
I’m drowning
my mum asked me to the theatre tonight. he’s kicked off spat his dummy out and gone home leaving child here. Can’t go.
genuinely had enough. When does this get better when will I have a life and friends again

Sadly nobody can force him to parent.
Do you claim cms ?.
Seek out a reputable babysitter. Even the odd hour so you can recharge in a park /cafe alone.

He gives me £200 a month but I have her 24/7 and have to pay my mum £100 out of that for child care for the 2 days

He just doesn’t want to he’s lazy and also he is using this to just get at me and make sure I don’t go anywhere or do anything

we was together 7 years and I didn’t go out once during that time without my child
he said he shows me love and all he gets off me is abuse

Is this a private arrangement or done through cms? As he could be under paying you.

I would apply to family mediation and start the court process.

To be honest I would just live your life and ignore him and don’t rely on him for anything. If he emigrated or died you wouldn’t have him and lots of people solo parent with no contact from the fathers at all - afew of my friends buddy up and help each other out too, you just need to find what works for you without stressing out about him.

I don’t have a life that’s my point. I can’t go out with colleagues or even start a hobby because I simply don’t have the spare time

i have absolutely no social life whatsoever the only thing I can do is doom scroll for an hour when she’s in bed.

There is no life to live

He sounds like a complete arsehole and unfortunately you can't force him to have his child if he refuses to. It's not fair at all that it all falls on you. Can you speak to social services and ask for a Unified Assessment? You may qualify for some respite care or direct payments so you can hire someone to care for your daughter at home so you can have some time to yourself.

OP ask your local authority for a disability social worker to do a carers assessment and a needs assessment. Ask for direct payments budget for your child.

Does your child receive DLA? Do you receive carers allowance?

Why doesn't he have child at his mum's house?

Do his mum/dad have any relationship with their grandchild?

Your mum charges you £100 a month for childcare but hasn’t been available for the entire summer holidays because she wanted a ‘break’? Does your daughter go to school full time because I don’t understand when your mum provides the 2 days of care for a 7 year old if the care didn’t happen during the summer. Only another week or 2 until school starts.

so I work late Mondays and Tuesdays. She is in school full time yes so my mum picks her up. I come down first thing Tuesday morning to take her school because my mum does a swim class Tuesday. Then she picks her up and daughter stays tues night. That’s why I pay her the 100

i use all my annual leave in the 6 weeks hols as she needs a break so i don’t have hols left

i then work wed thurs fri from home
sat sun depending on his mood her dad comes and sees her for 2 hours but she’s all over me following me around anyway
im just exhausted. even in school i have zero time to myself

Does he ever take his DD out for those few hours?

Maybe you need to suggest that he takes her to the park or for lunch somewhere, it'll get him out of your home and give you a break.

The only thing you can do is structure your life and plans according to what you would do if he was dead or emigrated to Australia. You cannot rely on him. It is certainly possible to have a life and friends as a single mother but do not use this waste-of-oxygen as any part of the support structure to enable that. Expect him to flake-out and melt away every single time, and on the occasions when he doesn't it's a bonus. For anything that is important to you, schedule it during your time and make your own childcare arrangements independently of him. If you rely on him keeping his word, you are giving him a weapon to attack you wirh, so don't.

joint account with an abusive ex ???

Ok how do I have a life please

i never go anywhere without my daughter, that includes gp apts, even to just grab some bits from the supermarket, i can’t go clothes shopping or just do anything for me.
i cut my own hair, i don’t go to salons for brow waxes or nails.
i am only permitted childcare from my mum for work purposes so work socials and parties are out
everyone at my work knows how my life is so don’t get invited anywhere
i have endometriosis stage 4 and was in a&e a few weeks ago
i had to take my daughter with me as her dad wouldn’t have her and my mum was with her friends

please if someone has a solution give me ideas because i am running out of patience i would have more control over my life if I was in prison

The summer holiday is hard for children with SEND because their routine has disappeared. Hang in there, 2 weeks to go.

You say DD always comes to you when your ex is visiting. But she doesn't normally spend all her time exclusively with you - she stays at your mum's once a week and goes to school, so she can manage without you. Have you tried leaving the house when he comes to visit? Go for a coffee or even just a walk. It doesn't even have to be for the whole time.

And you need to start looking locally for some sort of break, and for some way of expanding your own social circle. It's daunting but if you don't make a start nothing will change.

Ok, 1, its the end of the holidays so you are exhausted. They are nearly over and you can start planning now for when school.starts.

Make sure your plan to spend the days your dd is at school and you are not working doing your own thing for at least the first week. Even if you have to fo a few chores or cleaning or whatever, focus on the ability to "potter" without your child there, to stop for a coffee, to watch something on tv etc. Use this time to figure out how you can make some.of the time shes at school time you can reset in - whether thats watching tv, going to the gym, reading a book or meeting someone for coffee.

Then, and this is hard, start working on accepting he will do nothing and removing his power over you. This wont happen quickly but you knownhes useless and he only uses tour dd as a way to control you, so start taking that power away. For a start, no more coming to your house. Yes, that probably means he will stop.seeing her completely but remember - hes only there so he can monitor YOU. So its not really in anyone's interests for him to see her. He will kick off etc but that is not your problem. It is 100% ok for you to say that your house is not somewhere he is welcome. He can take your dd out for a few hours or he jist doesn't see her.

It doesn't matter what he accuses you of. No rational.sane person thinks that a man has rhe right to be in his ex's house just because he says so.

Re a social life, you cant and mustn't rely on him. So can you save for the off babysitter or similar?

Finally, the friends he isolated you from - reach out. Theres a good chance some will be willing g to restart the friendship and that they knew perfectly well it was a bad relationship ship.

she Stays at my mums when I’m working
when im not working she is with me. i dont have an hour without work or dd
when he has come to see her if he gets even an idea that im going out to do anything hell just walk off and leave.
i need surgery what i can’t have because i don’t have the childcare for the recovery period. i genuinely am miserable.

i haven’t got a clue what to do. im tempted to give work up and just survive on uc just to get time to myself in the day but thats sacrificing stuff for my child.

fucking hell when does this all end

You said she is at school. You work.two days. So thats 3 days a week she's at school (when its not holidays) and you have 5 or 6 hours without her.

I work 5 days a week. 2 days in work. The rest from home as i explained above

Just saw your other post, OP. You seem very enmeshed with your ex. Are you still hoping to reconcile?

I cross posted with you. Practical advice.

Children's social services. Ask for an assessment for your daughter and also for yourself as a carer.

Do you get Disability Living Allowance for her? If not look into that. It's a horrible long form though.

Look for the 'Local Offer' for children with SEND on your local council website. Ring some up and find out how you access them. They might be full up now but still ask how to access them for the future. You will probably need a local.authority assessment.

If your child has a particular diagnosis, look at national charities for that condition. They may have a local support group. Even if it's not very local they may be able to point you in useful directions.

Your local authority or area probably has a parent partnership group run by parents of children with SEND. (I don't mean the one that helps you at meetings.) My local one is very good and organises its own meetups, and publicises other SEND-friendly activities that they don't run themselves, eg the local football club running SEND sessions.

Once you have found an activity, go along and talk to other parents, because they are a wealth of information and one thing leads to another. For example I used to take my son to an adventure playground session and learnt about swimming lessons from another parent.

Is there a parental involvement teacher at DD's school? Talk to them. If not, talk to the Senco.

And crucially, keep going until you get somewhere. Good luck.

No not at all
yhink that why he being like this just controlling