How to overcome using childcare as coercive control.

[Emotionstorn]

Single mum to SEN child 7yo
dad piece of shit refusing to watch child so I can do anything

school holidays
I’m drowning
my mum asked me to the theatre tonight. he’s kicked off spat his dummy out and gone home leaving child here. Can’t go.
genuinely had enough. When does this get better when will I have a life and friends again

She does all of the above. I take her for swimming on Thursdays, soft play and adventure climbing on Saturday mornings
slide play place sunday
chat to the parents there. they go for mum’s nights together and im not able to.

my issue isn’t taking dd out. she has plenty things to do my issue is me never ever getting 5 mins to wipe my arse.

Are these SEND specific activities?

What do you do on Tuesday evenings in term time when she's at your mum's? Can't you suggest going out with someone then?

I work til 10pm Mondays and Tuesdays

they are send yes. our council has a lot of activities for Sen children it’s brought her on so much both socially and w/r to skills

I’ll just break it down

monday - school run 9am, cleaning and food shopping delivery, work 10-10
tuesday - go to mums to do school run 9am, work 10-10
weds - school run 9am, work 9:30-3, then dd home
thurs - school run 9am, work 9:30-3, pick up swimming tea and get ready for day after
friday - school run 9am work 9:30-3 then home maybe to bowling or another activity
sat sun activity and dd home all day. dad comes maybe sat after noon for example 1-3pm

repeat week x 52

Could you drop a day at work? You may be entitled to UC if you’re not already getting it. I went down to 4 days many years ago when I was a single mum with no support, and it was life-changing.

He sounds useless and you can't rely on him. I'd suggest stopping having him at yours, if he wants to see her he needs to take her out. That's not unreasonable. Can you afford to reduce your working hours so you get a bit more time for you. Can you look into babysitters who work with Sen children in your area, maybe from a previous nursery or enquire with parents at her school so you don't have to rely on your mum so much.

Unfortunately no I can’t afford to we in a high rent area and combine that with bills activities and clothing for her etc it wouldn’t be possible
I did look into it but unfortunately not a possibility at the moment

Tbh I don’t know the parents at her school
im doing the school runs before work and im literally in and out the playground it is a small class and I think bonds were being built those first few weeks but my mum was on holiday so i was wfh and had to absolutely bolt it there and back both drop off and pick up
there no class WhatsApp or anything

Do you need to work those hours? If you worked until 5/5:30 in the week rather than short days and 2 long then you could use after school club and then you’re mum could collect DC one evening and you have a few hours to yourself.

the long days are to compensate the shorter days
my mum won’t pick dd up unless it’s due to work
i did lie 3 years ago when dd at nursery and said i was working when i was actually at Pizza Hut buffet with my work team but her friend saw me and grassed me up 🤣 never done it since

Currently looking for better hours but atm the job market is absolutely crazy. applied for one just wfh no office travel at all and my mum said if I get that I don’t have to drop dd off with her anymore so part of me wants to do it and part of me doesn’t as my 2 days in work are my only real socialising time where I can chat properly and see other people

When your ex calls by have you suggested that he takes her out instead if staying at your house?

Hi OP, I'm sure this is the toughest time of the year for many SEN parents. I know I'm on my knees. As other have said, request an assessment from social services. Hopefully your daughter is entitled to some PA hours or something, so you get a little respite.

Stop having the ex around. He's providing no childcare, and on paper it probably currently looks like he is.

Do mention to your mum that summer holidays are the absolute worst time for her to 'take a break'. It makes it seem like she doesn't understand you or your situation at all. I know you must be grateful for the help she does give, but really! The odd couple of hours of holiday childcare would work miracles for your mental health

This is good advice. For those saying go to court, it doesn't work like that, you can't go to court to force a parent to have more time with their child.

I'm sorry, my toddlers dad isnt involved at all and it really is relentless and exhausting.

Working 10am until 10pm twice a week doesnt sound very sustainable so I'd definitely looking into changing that. Can you drop down to 4 days (do 4 long days) then you have one school day per week to yourself? I would also look at your ex partner taking your child out, if its safe for her. Ie you meet at the park, he plays with her while you go to a cafe for a coffee and read a book alone or whatever you want to do.

It is hard, I dont do anything without my toddler, even a smear test hes sat there But I do also find him/my life joyful and amazing (while recognising i am tired too) If all of your happiness and joy is completely gone, could you visit your GP?

I also agree that you cant force a parent to spend more time with their child. My child's father hasnt seen him/contacted me for 7/8 months, I haven't contacted him even once in that time, as far as I'm concerned he must do any and all of the initiating contact. He doesnt exist to me anymore. Its sad, but its what hes chose.

I get that having kids is a gift but after 7 years of this I think I may be at the point of needing a break

i have explained to my mum about the 6 weeks holidays but she has said she is entitled to a life. Which yeah I totally get

I understand OP. My ex was like this while we lived together and now in divorce he’s done the ultimate of never seeing the kids again. You’re absolutely right. It is for control.

Look up the writing and blog of Emma Katz, it really helped me.

eta: I understand how tired and deserted you feel. I have noticed yes family support. It is existentially different to be a lone parent, even without the effects of the abuse. Other people don’t often understand.

And I can resonate with giving up a life, sleep for the next however many years I came to terms with that

but my health isn’t brilliant. I have IIH with migraines and endometriosis. I need procedures done.
I was meant to have an MRI a few weeks ago but had to cancel as my mum was going to her aerobics hobby.
i need surgery, i can’t have it and the only way ill get it is via an emergency if and when the worst is to happen
ive got a nauseating headache today and im snapping at dd I want to go to bed and just have quiet time alone but can’t.

i worry so much in the incidence what will happen to her when im not here, i dont have family, her dads a waste of space and she has no relationship with his side

I think you need to enforce that her dad’s contact time is out of the house. If he wants to see her, it’s elsewhere. If he refuses, you’re no worse off and at least he’s not in your house.

My post should say ‘no family support’

Thank you
it is extremely different, and I don’t think people understand that for 7 years I’ve had no spare time, no me time, i can’t even attend hospital appointments or scans etc without my child, i can’t walk to the shop without her

my ex wont take her out. and its all very well and good saying if he doesn’t see her life will be no different but im drowning.

Do you get DLA for your child?

Are her conditions or disabilities diagnosed?

ASK YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITY FOR A NEEDS ASSESSMENT FOR HER AND A CARERS ASSESSMENT FOR YOU.

Put in bold as I know when you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed its hard to take in all the info.

You maybe able to get direct payments. This would fund a pa/carer to take her out. Which would give you a break.

she doesn’t qualify anywhere near for that level. She is mildly SEN.

she is coping in mainstream without a 1-1. She gets the low element of dla

OP I’m drowning too. I don’t know the solution.

Some things I do and have done:

• use teen babysitters, daughters of friends
• pay for convenience if I have the money
• lie in bed crying
• grey rock the abuser
• get vitamins for everyone just in case I don’t have energy to make or get all the stuff
• write off the man totally (easier for me as mine ghosted the children as part of the control)

Will your dd be at school/ nursery soon?