Just walked out on kids

[patiencehasgone]

Just that, really.

9 and 12 years old. Constantly fucking bickering.

Do not listened to me when I ask them to stop. Or listen full stop really.

They started arguing over a fucking face towel, so I said ‘nope, not having this be my life’ grabbed my bag and keys, got in my car and have driven round the corner and parked up.

not really sure what I do from here really.

OMG, I burst out laughing. Your poor, poor mum 😆

No one is normalising it and no one is suggesting the OP does it regularly. What people are doing is understanding it and letting the OP know that doing it this once is fine and is not going to damage her children long term.

Maybe you are reading a different thread but I have definitely not seen anyone saying it's fine to do this on a regular basis??

And I don't see that locking yourself in the bathroom as you suggest is a good solution. Tbh, that would probably have had zero effect on the kids and they would have just carried on bickering with OP just having to witness it still but through the bathroom door!

Instead she gave them a one off wake up call and returned to find sheepish and contrite children who realised that their behavioiur wasn't acceptable.

I agree with others that removing yourself from the situation is the best option, but to me this means going to another room.

I remember my parents arguing when I was a kid, and being really scared when one of them would take the car and leave. Even if they were back 30 min later. I wouldn't want to do that to my children.
If I were you, I would have a discussion with them about that too, apologise and reassure them.

My kids are much younger though, we've only had about a year of the bickering and it drives me mad as well!
The main message I try to carry to my kids though is the impact they are having on each others, as well as the people around them. It makes everyone unhappy and tensed, including themselves.
And to me when they are fighting over some ridiculous like a face towel, I take away the object and separate them each to their room.

If their fighting is that bad you need to mediate. Why have you just walked out? Whose towel is it, who was using it, why all the upset?

My mother never did, she always took a "oh will the two of you SHUT UP, I can't listen to anymore of it."

My older sister is a huge bully. Friends all cut contact with her eventually. My mother still does the same thing - simply demand I get over whatever horrible behaviour my sister has launched at me.

The result is that now I am completely no contact with my sister, low contact with my mother and truthfully feel very let down by my mother who never bothered her ass to be fair or take charge.

I’m guessing there was more to your situation as no forgiveness is needed here. OP did the very best thing. As a beaten child ..of all choices this is low to no trauma

Again, as with another poster, you suggest this was a regular thing during your childhood not just a one off.

Doing this kind of thing regularly, as part of your parenting style, is entirely different to the one off incident which is being discussed here.

This is what I was thinking - take some deep breaths and find out what the actual
problem is. Someone up thread posted a useful resource for parenting disputes between siblings. Everyone on here seems to think the only options are shouting or storming off. You could go in another room if you need space to calm down.

FWIW, I have lost my temper plenty. But there is no way I’m going to make out that’s my kids’ fault. My kids’ worst behaviour comes from the behaviour I have modelled when losing my temper. I have to own that and I have to do better.

I also know that I wasn’t able to control my temper because that wasn’t adequately modelled to me when I was a child, and I learned to blame myself for my parents temper which wasn’t healthy (not that my family was abusive but it lead to accepting abusive dynamics in my early adulthood).

Of course it wasn't emotional abuse, don't be ridiculous. It was an exhausted mother showing her kids that she too has a limit. It doesn't hurt children now and then to learn that it's not ok to push their parents to breaking point.

Ok, I’ll stop being ridiculous by having a different opinion from you, since that’s what ridiculous seems to mean in your dictionary.

I'm in my mid 50s. It seems to be more common now than when I was younger. I may be totally wrong. Are you and your husband on the same page about this? I think i would sit down as a family and discuss this. I would also be issuing sanctions

The hyperbole in this thread is off the chart (yes I get the irony). It was an exhausted mum coming to the end of a long hot summer. She probably feels quite bad or she would not have posted here imo. Nobody is perfect we all fuck up every now and again, as long as others have said it isn't a regular thing then no harm done. Those of you who bandy around abuse and neglect claims really need to start to get a clear picture of what those actually mean before flinging them off willy nilly.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. You won't have scarred your children for life. What you will have done, is teach them a lesson - that they have to calm their behaviour down when you ask them to. I hope you are okay.

I'm disgusted at your comment, it's actually very manipulative you're projecting a story that isn't relevant to this thread, and then lashing out at other people, because they are not responding in the way that you want to your own situation. the idea that an adult human suddenly becomes this Kind, compassionate, calm person as soon as they're a parent is crazy, also, at the age of 12. We were walking to school at the age of 11. We were walking to school and your parent could definitely pop to the shop to get something and be out for an hour. You're either extremely immature or mentally unwell. Respectfully, you're not talking about a normal situation where a 9 and a twelve-year-old couldn't be left alone for half an hour. That's crazy. And it's scary to think that there's people like you that would be hovering to that extent that you wouldn't even realise the value of self regulating by stepping outside that whole idea of like, i'm sorry, that'd have to be a lot younger for this, to be a problem, and they're not locked in the house.You've made up a whole story in your head, you need to get help

Ive got 3 boys and the 2 oldest ones argue over total inane stuff… they drive me bonkers sometimes.
I retreat to the garden with a coffee, take the youngest one with me and close the door.
If they come out to try and get me to take sides they are told in no uncertain terms that I don’t want hear anymore of it and to go back inside if they are going to ruin the peace.
I only intervene if it turns physical, which thankfully is lessening now they are getting older and the older one is so much bigger than his brother, he has been told that throughout his life people will annoy him etc and that he is not to use his size and strength on others.
I think you’re at the worst ages now TBH mine are now 13 and 11 and it’s definitely better then it was.

Rubbish. My DDs were none the worse.

(Dh was away for weeks at a time, so they knew he wouldn’t be back.).

I also agree that a 9 and 12 year old could be left alone for half an hour, but she didn’t approach her children when they were calm, tell them she was nipping to the shop and then go out. She said “I’m done with this” and left without telling them how long she was going to be. Can you see this from the child’s perspective? Because there are an awful lot of adults here saying the children should see things from their mother’s perspective and very little the other way, despite adults being more capable.

Wrong dynamics, difficult to correct. I was aware of the hierarchy in the relationship with my parents (they never hit me or bullied me), so I made sure my dc had the same feeling, by using consequences after explaining things. Like misbehaviour at a playpark meant upping sticks and going home immediately, having explained why we are going home. A doll hurled across the room in anger? Doll gets donated by the thrower to a charity shop, explanation: doll does not want to be around you anymore, you hurt it, it will go to a girl who won't mistreat it. It is surprising how much they understand if they have explained consequences. Only you have to be consistent. But I never pretend-abandoned my dc even for 10 minutes - we left the playpark together, we left cafes together, we donated the doll together. Doll was kept behind the till in the charity shop and returned two weeks later, because she heard that the child was sorry and behaviour improved, which she was and which it did.

I agree, maybe have a think about your role in this incident? Yes you were young, but your mum is a person, not a saint - and she obviously needed some breathing space. What was your behaviour like to drive her to this? Maybe it shocked you so much it worked?

Just a little update -

all seems well, the children didn’t appear to be scared (or petrified, I think I read) or upset on my return.

What has happened though is that I feel much calmer, and am finding myself separating them a lot quicker when they did start getting silly again, rather than give them warning after warning and then getting more stressed when it continues.
Maybe it was me that got the sharp shock!

we’ve had some nice time watching a film, and out and about burning some energy.

I am left wondering how big some of your houses are…because I would still be able to hear my kids even if I shut myself in a different room!

Have you not grown up yet.

God lord, what an absolute load of codswallop.

to be fair this would be quite frightening for an 8 year old alone. A 9 year old is probably fine with a 12 year old for a short time

They were contrite because they were scared.

You really do have an axe to grind here don't you?

No one is congratulating or normalising anything. The OP obviously doesn't feel great about it and people are being understanding rather than putting the boot in.

I was regularly left for 4 hours with my older sister when I was 6-7 and she was 8-9. The neighbour checked in on us but both my parents had to work and childcare as it is today wasn't even a thing. Maybe you're privileged enough that you don't know how often this is a reality for children. I'm not arguing that it's ideal but given that I survived you'll have to forgive me for not thinking OP should be reported for social services for leaving a 9 and 12 year old for 30 minutes.