AIBU to wonder why amicable marriages still end in separation?

[Orangeducks]

I follow someone on Instagram who recently announced she was separating from her husband. She said it was very amicable, they remained best friends, they still cared deeply for each other, she was so thankful he was the father of her children and they would remain a family.

Now obviously, i know nothing more than that about the situation. But it got me wondering why if everything was as she posted, still friendly and caring why they would split up. For me, if there had been no betrayal, abuse of any kind or i dont know crime etc. Why would you end something so significant? perhaps they have grown apart but i feel like I wouldnt end a relationship because of that. To so hugely disrupt the children, introduce new partners etc and just not end your life alongside the person you made all the major memories with just because you're different now? Surely you could find a way back to each other or compromise?
Or am I being ridiculous?

My marriage is not perfect (we dont bave tbe same political views and that can be frustrating) but we get on well, want the same things for our family and support each others and I really hope that he's the one with me at the end even if we spend our spare time doing different things etc.

Am i being unreasonable?

I think I might have read the same post!

The cynic in me doesn't believe its so amicable in real life 😬

This is the first time in history where marriages are generally only purely for 'love'. Its not for joining families, the women don't need the financial support of men any more. And so there are less incentives shall we say, to stay married. And thank God women have more agency and choice now.

I wonder! But yes there is obviously the possibility that she is not being honest about it because I just cant understand why you'd walk away if you still cared about each other so much?!

If you can separate whilst you’re still amicable, can reasonably and agreeably discuss how you’ll split the finances and co-parent, and remain on good terms with a decent relationship afterwards, you avoid what’s more than likely going to happen if you don’t separate at that stage but choose to plod on: your feelings turning into resentment, and making separating when you’ve reached the stage where you really don’t like each other a whole lot harder on both yourselves and any children.

I have a lot of very good friends with whom I shared memories, built things and have close relationships with. I still don't want to share my living space or my bed with them.

Because your best friend is not necessarily your best lover. Sometimes the best thing to do is accept that the father of your children is not going to make you happy for the following 40 years. Life is long!

Maybe she doesn’t fancy him anymore or there’s an aspect of his character she can’t put up with anymore. She still recognises his good qualities, his commitment to her and the family, and perhaps feels guilty about leaving him for pastures new.

you can care about someone, respect them etc and still be annoyed by their presence in your living space, feel no sexual feelings towards them / not want any intimacy with them.

so you stay and what, live apart in the same house in seperate living spaces and seperate bedrooms because you literally have the physical ick, you forgo and sexual or emotional intimacy with anyone else for the rest of your lives because you would want to risk the marriage etc.

is that a good example to set to the kids? and what about once the kids move out and you're now on your late 50s / 60s and it now feels too late to start again?

Because I wanted more than a flatmate

Theres more to a marriage that not disrupting the status quo because you aren't unhappy.

Everyone deserves to be happy.
I got dumped by my exH with a 2 year old having just bought our "forever home". We never rowed. We just carried on carrying on.

Im so much happier with my new(ish) boyfriend (for want of a better term) and in general a happier, more fulfilled person.

We could have stayed together. Breaking us has made me, and I assume him, happier.

I understand some of the points raised to a certain extent but (and I think this is controversial and likely unpopular) I think the needs and happiness of my children would be a higher priority for me. If things were happy enough between us, but we weren't connecting anymore or I wasn't attracted anymore, I think id still stay to give my children a life in one house and their parents together. I'd try to get us to work on it maybe with a professional but id rather my children grew up with parents as happy flatmates then separated. I thinkk most relationships get to this stage eventually and there's no guarantee I would find anyone any more suited to me anyway? I think I'll get flamed for this..

You must have noticed that nearly all celeb breakups are said to be amicable and that they will co-parent on friendly terms for the sake of the children blah blah blah ....

Its obviously not true for most if not all of them, it's PR spin which is understandable to me, who wants to share the warts and a of a divorce, especially the person who didn't want it

Who is this thread about?

So they can shag other people

That's just what you say publicly to not have to explain anythjng

My best friend divorced her husband after about two years, they got along brilliantly, but she realized that she loved him but wasn't in love with him.
They have remained very close friends, co parenting beautifully, and their spouses are friends too. They do joint vacations, stay at each other's houses when passing through.
The kids are grown up now, they all still remain friends.
Very rare, but it can happen.

Yes I always think this about celebrities... I recognise that as spin but this lady isnt a celebrity (more influencer). I just felt she went to quite an extent about how amicable it was and how they will remain as a family and I just thought, why not just stay as a unit for your children then?
I assume there is a lot more to it but think its just a bit more authentic then to just say, we're splitting up but prioritising our kids...
If you still care so deeply and are best friends, could you not just keep going?

Because these days people don’t understand marriage takes compromise. The slightest annoyance or difference of opinion and it’s “Oh we arent compatible”,
rather than agree to disagree and understand and accept you can live and be with someone where you aren’t always 100% aligned.

Perhaps they just ran out of fuel, it happens!

There are two people in a relationship, not just one. You’d both have to feel this way. To both really get on and not find anything about the other frustrating, have the same views about domestic standards and the split of chores, and neither of you having any interest in having sex or an actual romantic relationship ever again. How realistic is that?

Whats more likely to happen is that sooner or later one of you is going to realise that you have neither the benefits of being in a relationship nor the benefits of being single, and think “fuck this.”

Tara Dixon?

Maybe because there is so much more to life than just being “okay, no abuse and no crime” and you quite literally only live once?

I have lots of amazing friends who I value, care deeply about, can spend plenty of time with and really do love- but I wouldn’t want to be married to any of them. Marriage is more than just a friendship and the person you spend your life with makes such a huge difference to your life.

I don’t know that it is a great idea to just bumble along as friends in the same house for the sake of children either. Children learn first about what love & relationships look like from watching their parents, how they love each other, how they interact, I wouldn’t want my babies growing up thinking that friendly housemates is the goal for the person they want to spend their life with. Equally if my daughter came to me in 20 years and said she was having doubts about her marriage but still cared for him as a friend, I wouldn’t stand there and tell her she should stay as long as there is no abuse or cheating because there is more to life than just being accepting the minimum, she can have lots of friends, I hope she does, but she should also have the chance to feel love, passion, excitement, true partnership, we are only here once, don’t waste it on “okay I suppose”.

And I'd rather my DD thought married people love each other.

I remember my friend before she divorced. They never fought. But they also never touched. Ever. And that was also sad for the kids. Neither of whom are in happy relationships as adults.

I loved the euwwwwww of my parents hugging and kissing and my DD does too with DH and me. If you don't feel that, it's also not a great example of a happy fulfilling relationship.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like that? It wouldn’t be the relationship I would want for my children. I try and model the relationship I would want for them (we are equals and parent/housework/mental load/work evenly). I wouldn’t want my children to be in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy. If I was unhappy in my relationship I think that would filter down to my children. But, we all parent differently.

Because life is too short to stay in a marriage that doesn't make you happy.

Im going to be honest, the older I get, the more I realise that people dont seem to understand that its down to a parents individuals choices and behaviours as to how happy and well a child turns out, being a child of divorce is sort of a red herring. I know lots of friends with divorced parents and none of them have issues due to the divorce, its always to do with one parents behaviour.
Anecdotally I have never ever met a person who wished their parents stayed together or thought that life would have been better if their parents stayed together. I do know plenty of people who would say their parents should have split up. The ones who have issues (including myself) are because one or both parents were simply not up to doing a good job - regardless of whether the family stayed together or not.