AIBU to wonder why amicable marriages still end in separation?

[Orangeducks]

I follow someone on Instagram who recently announced she was separating from her husband. She said it was very amicable, they remained best friends, they still cared deeply for each other, she was so thankful he was the father of her children and they would remain a family.

Now obviously, i know nothing more than that about the situation. But it got me wondering why if everything was as she posted, still friendly and caring why they would split up. For me, if there had been no betrayal, abuse of any kind or i dont know crime etc. Why would you end something so significant? perhaps they have grown apart but i feel like I wouldnt end a relationship because of that. To so hugely disrupt the children, introduce new partners etc and just not end your life alongside the person you made all the major memories with just because you're different now? Surely you could find a way back to each other or compromise?
Or am I being ridiculous?

My marriage is not perfect (we dont bave tbe same political views and that can be frustrating) but we get on well, want the same things for our family and support each others and I really hope that he's the one with me at the end even if we spend our spare time doing different things etc.

Am i being unreasonable?

Why should you? It's normal to put kids first-and ones brought up without suffering multiple broken homes, told this is your new stepsister, oh no, here's another, I've broken up with my latest bf so you're never seeing that stepsister again-here's a new stepbrother, for as long as my next relationship lasts...tend to have better relationships of all kinds.
There's no longer any need to marry and have children, if you just want to flit around putting yourself first and having as many boy/girlfriends as you want, and moving on when you're bored, that's ok, as long as you're not hurting someone by promising till death do us part and then lying about it. Oh, and posting on social media like the watered down uncoupling speech you mention.

💯

Great post

I'm really judgmental about this too. My DH and his ex separated when she left, the kids were 2(!!!) and 6. Even if you get rid of the difficulties between them (and I think it's really hard to stay amicable when you have different parenting styles, move on at different rates and, without each others influence, your values increasingly diverge) divorce is a disaster for children. Constantly being shunted between homes, coping with the complexity of step siblings and half siblings and step parents etc. it's so selfish to inflict this because you want to find yourself or be more fulfilled.

I think they are either lying about it being amicable or they don’t accept that marriage doesn’t always have to be defined by romantic love, especially when children are involved.

I never believe divorce/ a split up is mutual/ amicable. One person initiated it and one person is skipping off into the single life while the other is secretly blindsided/ heartbroken/ in shock but having to play along

I agree with this. I think generally in society there is a greater focus on individualistic needs and I dont always think this is positive.

I agree as well. I think if you have children then they come first, and it's damaging to shuttle between houses, or to see your father less, or to have to put up with step-parents or step siblings you don't want, or new half siblings, to potentially feel an outsider in your parents' new families/lives, and also of course, the risk of sexual abuse from a stepfather.

Abuse aside, divorce is imo only the best option when the parents have tried everything, and due to one or both of them, the atmosphere of the house is miserable/fraught/causing stress and so being apart is the less bad option for the kids.

If the parents still love each other, respect each other, and are good friends, I'm not sure how they haven't managed to get the spark back if they've actually tried? It makes me think they haven't tried, or aren't willing to compromise – or, most likely imo, there are bigger issues behind the scenes that they don't want to reveal. Which, fair enough I guess.

Yes!

Yes!

And the 2-year old? Does she count? Or has it made her happier too?

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have secondary school aged children.

We still get on very well but he is no longer ever affectionate and has no interest in physical intimacy. He is often apathetic towards me.

This may sound like a small thing but for months I have been thinking ‘is this it?’. I am only in my early 40s. I won’t break up our family because of our children but I do sometimes wonder how good it is for them to have a mother whose confidence has been completely eroded by this apathy and who feels general sadness a lot of the time.

I mean I think the answer is simply that people are different and would do different things depending on their lives, priorities, personalities etc. There's no true right or wrong. It's all very individual.

Some people would 'stay together for the kids', some would prioritise their wellbeing (and those people would be modelling a healthy and happy parent).

It's not always the case that separating is worse for children, even if it's amicable. Staying together when you don't truly want to can cause all sorts of issues.

Not always - but sometimes it is.

A lot of people have escaped awful domestic situations because there is no longer as much societal pressure to stay in unhappy relationships.

That's a bloody good thing.

This pretty much. I think it's just gone stale, been sexless for a long time maybe, think a lot of it is just wanting someone else. Maybe they met really young or something. Would the French approach of just taking a secret lover and keeping the marriage intact for the kids be better? Who knows but I think it's probably the biggest reason long term otherwise conflict free marriages end.

Do you like having sex with your partner? Because if you don't then it is as soul destroying to do it for the sake of the marriage as it is to be the one spurned. Everyone has the right to be truly loved. And to recognise that and move on is hard but necessary. Private tears, rows. But if you're motivated by the kids and to do the best by them then the amicable line has its own truth.

I'm so sad to hear how endemic this is in long marriages. I was reading a Facebook post where a bunch of women in the comments said exactly the same thing. So many of them. And I was surprised because it is usually the husbands you think would be complaining about a lack of intimacy and affection.

Their husbands treat them as part of the furniture and are bored of them. No sex, no affection, no attention, they are the only ones 'working on the marriage' and tiptoeing around their grumpy partner's needs. What's that saying: for every beautiful woman there is man sick of F&*ing her? It's so upsetting when women have dedicated sometimes their entire adult lives to one man to be treated in this way.

The truth is very few people work at marriages anymore.
To easy to bail out. My friend did the same.
Shame ss she broke up her family which worked well, or so it seemed

It isnt about flaming you, but it isn't wise to model a fake relationship to your kids. They'll think that cool platonic friendship is how an initmate, romantic relationship is meant to look.

Either it’s not actually amicable and they’re putting on a front.

Or the sex has gone.

I see you

There's usually more to it than that. My Dsis has separated amicably. They parent well and to all extent and purposes get on well to the outside world. He drives her crazy though but only I and her best friend know the details and she is a far happier and calmer person by not being with him. But there's no point in sharing these details with the rest of the world as he is the kind fun loving guy that everyone likes so it's just not worth it for her

When you finally manage to get rid of the other person, it is much better for the children if you put on an act and go along with pretending to think that the ex is really ok and your good mate.

Sometimes the ex is basically ok, but often both parties are lying for the sake of children/family/society/fan base etc.

I have a friend who grew up in a weird dynamic where their parents were married but essentially separated flatmates for 20 years and they didn’t find it to be a nice joe environment.
Staying in an unfulfilling relationship because of children in no way automatically leads to a better life for them.

She's not going to announce the exact reasons on social media. This is a social media version of the situation. As usual, it's heavily filtered, edited and not real life. No one knows the exact circumstances except for the couple involved. Even couples you know really well, you don't have a clue what goes on in their hearts and behind closed doors