AIBU to wonder why amicable marriages still end in separation?

[Orangeducks]

I follow someone on Instagram who recently announced she was separating from her husband. She said it was very amicable, they remained best friends, they still cared deeply for each other, she was so thankful he was the father of her children and they would remain a family.

Now obviously, i know nothing more than that about the situation. But it got me wondering why if everything was as she posted, still friendly and caring why they would split up. For me, if there had been no betrayal, abuse of any kind or i dont know crime etc. Why would you end something so significant? perhaps they have grown apart but i feel like I wouldnt end a relationship because of that. To so hugely disrupt the children, introduce new partners etc and just not end your life alongside the person you made all the major memories with just because you're different now? Surely you could find a way back to each other or compromise?
Or am I being ridiculous?

My marriage is not perfect (we dont bave tbe same political views and that can be frustrating) but we get on well, want the same things for our family and support each others and I really hope that he's the one with me at the end even if we spend our spare time doing different things etc.

Am i being unreasonable?

I’m in this situation now. Husband had an affair three years ago and doesn’t love me but we are still best friends and share every other thing except intimacy. Still sleep in the same bed still go for dinner together and call text multiple times a day. He’s my person. But I am so, so lonely without the physical closeness. I’ve tried to kill myself and have had several mental health breaks over it all. I think he’d happily stay married like this forever just foregoing love but I’m running on empty and still just broken over the loss. We’ve been together 27 years so breaking up seems momentous we grew up together and have three kids 17 +.

I still prefer living like this over the prospect of new love. The thought of anyone else ever touching me gives me serious ick

This happened to my SiL.

Her husband was absolutely terrible with money and she wad forever crimping and saving when they shouldn't have to. They were financial incompatible. The split was amicable there wad no massive fall out. The kids had a good relationship with both parents. Sil moved out of the area for a while but is now back in town and will have a drink or take part in the Wednesday night quiz with her adult kids and ex dh as friends.

If I did split with DH I think I'd be saying all those positive things about him. A marriage can just run out of steam, and you can amicably admit defeat and focus instead on making the split as undisruptive as possible for the kid/s. You can really like and care about someone but also not be able to stay married to them.

I am not sure of the right words, but I would say it was a responsible thing to admit defeat and separate when things are amicable, rather than leave it too late when you fucking hate each other.
Sometimes, you realise you work better as friends rather than partner/spouse.

Because people are selfish, always thinking about what they could be missing out on, and put their own desires for novelty above their children's best interests.

I couldn’t skip past this and not say I hope you’re ok. If you started a thread, it would be full of LTB, but I can personally say it’s not always so straight forward. It sounds incredibly lonely for you, but yet you’re afraid- if that’s the right word- of being alone? Could you at least get a bedroom to yourself, create your own space, then take it from there- decide what you want and if there’s a way to make some changes for you? If you haven’t already started a thread about this, it might really help you to hear some advice and get support. I wish you well 💐

I find it weird that people still get married when the mentality you describe is prevalent. And the grotesque thing is that as marriages have become flimsier, weddings have swollen in scale.

Another thing which IMO is related is attitudes to having children. As millennial, I think we were the first generation for whom having divorced parebts was completely normalised. Im a millennial and the cast majority of my friends have divorced parents, as did I. We were raised by single mums who did an amazing job.
However whats new is that our single mums didnt actively pursue that path: they had kids in relationships or marriages they genuinely believed in, abd then those broke down, the fathers became deadbeats.
Nowadays you get a lot of parents who go it alone knowingly from the start.

I think they're connected somehow.

Children want stability, security, an easy routine. Is that not their right? Or are adult excitement and fun more important?

Im so sorry you have to deal with this. But a man who cheats on you is not your best friend.

Being in a relationship that you no longer want to be in is a killer. It can really do a number on your mental health.
Kids do not want unhappy parents. It is not healthy for them to see that anyone must stay together when they are not happy. What message is that sending them?

Those are not the only two options. It's possible to stay in an amicable marriage and appreiate all the good things it offers your children, and both adults - having someone on their side, having better financial security than the cost of running two homes. And it's possible to fall back in love with each other, passionately, and to find excitement and fun in life together. People give up so easily these days, as if effort is a sign something is wrong.

But life is too short to be in a marriage/relationship that you are not happy in.

If he is feckless with money, better to divorce

I think highly of my first DH but released I didn’t love him and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life sharing a bed with him.

we’ve bumped into each other a couple of times since and remained pleasant and up for a chat. I would rather that than how some folk end their marriages.

Yes there is only ever one reason for divorce and it is this.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

It's the nature of social media, isn't it. If someone is a celebrity or influencer their followers would expect a post about this situation. However the person would appear quite unhinged, petty and immature to post a long list of negative things and bad behaviour. Which only leaves the option of claiming you are still friends and every thing is great.

It's not on SM but I tell my kids I love their dad and he's family to me. Ofc he isn't, I hate his guts and he hates mine!

You can know someone else really well but you’ll never see the side their husband/wife sees at home.
Most people act very different towards other people than they do in the comfort of their own marriage.

My ex and l divorced and remain friendly. We divorced because he put his career first, always. Sometimes he could be away from home for 8 months at a time. We have one ds and l had my career too. We sorted everything between us, although did use solicitors for the divorce. My ds didn't know any better, as hid daddy was hardly home anyway. I still see my ex p-in-l, my ex s-in-l. I remarried he didn't. My ex sat with us when my ds graduated, we get on fine. My ds gets married in 2028 and we are all looking forward to it. My ds does not have the worry of who has to sit where, & who doesn't speak to whoever. Life is hard enough. Without adding misery

This view was formed from your experience of seeing how your husband and his ex. handled things. She left him for seemingly nebulous, selfish reasons so he has instinctively had to blame her for (as he views it) the 'fallout'. He shouldn't have done that; the negatively seeps through to the children. Without knowing your husband's exW and hearing her side of the story, I would hold your husband more responsible if his children have had a hard time in this.

Adults should be able to manage children going between different homes. The very use of the word 'shunting' is so negative.

My (young adult) children actually view it now as 'great, 2 Christmases.' My youngest son said recently that if he and his current girlfriend marry, they will have 4 sets of grandparents they all adore and how great is that?

As with many things in life, it's the silver-linings that you should look for and exploit.

A friend left her husband because they had grown a part. Hadn’t had sex in years, didn’t really spend much time together doing anything, just existed in the same house.

She took the plunge and asked for a divorce and while it wasn’t initially amicable as he didn’t want to split, he quickly realised she was right. They both have new partners now and are much happier and friendly with each other.

This is so true. You don’t know anyone or their relationship until you live with them .

Thankyou. I’m t is very complicated with visa issues and green card applications and I moved my whole life to America with him twenty years ago so all my family etc except my kids are in uk - I don’t want to leave my kids but they would choose USA. It’s tricky.

if I posted I would get lots of people saying good people never cheat, but life is more complex than that. I was not easy to love for a long time due to depression and anxiety I didn’t know I was dealing with. It took a long time for him to fall out of love and I don’t think he wants to put the work in to get us back properly. He refused marriage counseling.

if I decide to make a change at some point I’ll post and risk the wrath of mumsnet lol.