AIBU to wonder why amicable marriages still end in separation?

[Orangeducks]

I follow someone on Instagram who recently announced she was separating from her husband. She said it was very amicable, they remained best friends, they still cared deeply for each other, she was so thankful he was the father of her children and they would remain a family.

Now obviously, i know nothing more than that about the situation. But it got me wondering why if everything was as she posted, still friendly and caring why they would split up. For me, if there had been no betrayal, abuse of any kind or i dont know crime etc. Why would you end something so significant? perhaps they have grown apart but i feel like I wouldnt end a relationship because of that. To so hugely disrupt the children, introduce new partners etc and just not end your life alongside the person you made all the major memories with just because you're different now? Surely you could find a way back to each other or compromise?
Or am I being ridiculous?

My marriage is not perfect (we dont bave tbe same political views and that can be frustrating) but we get on well, want the same things for our family and support each others and I really hope that he's the one with me at the end even if we spend our spare time doing different things etc.

Am i being unreasonable?

For good PR? I've followed her for a long time and she now appears very different to the person she was back then. Maybe he's not comfortable with how she's changed, maybe he doesn't fit with her new life?

No one is going to announce a separation and slag off their ex publicly (unless your Lily Allen).

Because you can still tick along fine with someone as great friends but not want to have sex with them. If you’re not having sex then you are just friendly co-habitants and most people want to have sex with their spouse.

Most people want to have a good sex life but if both parties just agree that they will only ever be friends from now on then they may choose to spilt amicably. They may not have any reason to be hostile to one another, especially if it’s a joint decision.

People do grow apart sexually in marriage. Ironically, they may also grow closer as friends. You don’t really want to shag your best friend - sex is a completely different desire and you often want to shag people who you have some emotional friction with!

The problem is people often think sexual interest and excitement goes hand in hand with friendship and unfortunately the opposite is often true. Once a marriage falls into friendship it can lose its sexual appeal, never to be recovered

Also, as others have said, the amicable split thing is a total PR stunt. They don’t want people gossiping and ver the gory details

Because it's not true but it's what people put out there for their sake or their kids?
Not everyone wants to air their dirty linen in public so saying it's a mutual, amicable split is a good line to hide behind.

I imagine there is more to it than this but fair play to them for keeping the details secret, it's no one else's business after all.

But that’s assuming that you can put on a happy front with the children. They always know in my view if there’s little affection and even worse a lot of conflict. I was over the moon when my parents said they were splitting up. Of course they never went through with it and I had to put up with the simmering resentment, the rows, the being piggy in the middle, the tension and walking on eggshells.

Id a million times preferred it if I’d experienced at least one happy relationship for my parents and a cheerful household living away from each other and with the right person rather than a permanently miserable one together.

Finding this a hard read in all honesty.
I was married for 15 years, the last 3-4 of which got progressively sadder, lonelier, and difficult to exist in.
I was 2 stone lighter than I am now. I couldn’t really eat. I went to bed alone every night of my marriage as my husband didn’t really want to be in bed with me. We never touched. We never kissed. I was so lonely I was starting to go quite mad.

He was miserable too; never gave me the time of day, snapped at me when I even said ‘how was your day’ and just slowly got less and less giving, or even normal, around me. Everything was difficult, we entirely lost the ability to communicate when we went through some vey difficult events as a family, and we were just unable to get it back. It had gone too far.

Our unhappiness was generally covered up for the kids, but we were never together at home, and if we were, it was in silence. The house was depressing and depressed, quietly sad and miserable.

After 3 years, and a last ditch family holiday during which we didn’t even share a bad, just slept in it in shifts, it had to end, before we started getting outright nasty to each other and the house became less like a mausoleum and more like a battleground.

The inference on here that the kids were never part of the consideration is quite painful to read – and slightly smug. If you’ve never had to consider choosing between your kids stability and your own sanity, well, that’s great. But it can be quite simple really, to have an amicable divorce, when it’s something you both equally want. They’re not saying they had an amicable marriage, they’re saying they have retained enough about themselves to carry out an amicable divorce.

Separate things.

What I think you're missing OP is that a separation can be amicable without the marriage necessarily having been.

I've got an ex who I'm still friends with. We loved together for a while and it went horribly. We just did not mesh together as a couple living together at all.

So we broke up, and still get on well as friends to this day.

I can see that scaling up to a marriage.

Exactly this. Amicable separation is what happens when two growns ups decide their marriage is over.

I hear this a lot, but the opposite is more often true. Certainly in my own case, the "easy" option would have been to stay and be unhappy. "Bailing out" was the hardest thing I've ever done. But it was the right thing.

I have separated from my husband who I love, because we have not had sex for 15 years and I don’t want to live another 15 /20/30 in a celibate relationship. He refuses to see a GP about ED issues and will not discuss it. So left me no choice.

You’re an outsider though; it obviously wasn’t working well behind closed doors.

I faked happiness for years (well we both did really) when we were in public. When we were alone again it was back to sad and awkward and silent.

You say too easy to bail out - it isn’t. You find it easy to judge though without knowing any of the inside details.

Sometimes the only way of staying amicable is to end a marriage.

Sometimes people have emotional or other needs that they aren't happy to have unmet for the rest of their lives. But are not blaming their partner for this so can be amicable and appreciate what was good.

No one is going to list all their marital problems on social media are they 😂. They say “amicable”, “still a family” etc, to avoid speculation and gossip.

Doesn’t work though does it OP 😂

If we were all more honest everyone would split up.

I think you can care about someone and still be annoyed by them and not want to live with them.

Not quite the same, but my parents come to mind. Love them and love seeing them. Any more than a couple of days staying with them though and I just want to get away. It could be the same with a partner.

I think of course people will fudge the “amicable” stuff on social media or even in real life.

That said, one of my close friends said she and her exH were best friends and the sex was still great and I didn’t understand why they were separating but have since understood he had habits that drove her crazy and she just felt burnt out and unable to handle it anymore (very extreme lateness, clinginess, selfishness, mean/unstable with money to name a few). She still loved him but couldnt live with him. Of course she didn’t outline all his annoying habits to the world as that would have felt mean/nit picking (“she finished with him because he was sometimes late?!”) so it seemed like she was BU.

other reasons I can imagine getting out of a marriage would be lack of sex life, very different priorities (eg one person loves doing things the other wants to stay home all the time), constant low level dismissive or disrespectful behaviour. Lots of habits when done consistently or to an extreme level can be enough to feel marriage ending imo. Especially if you’re lucky enough to be financially comfortable so don’t need to stick together for finances.

I thought my brother and his wife were happy for 20 years and 3 kids, his wife just ended the marriage and he was blindsided but when I spoke to her she said she just wanted to live alone, do as she pleased and not have to consider anyone else’s views.
I think after years of being a mother and putting her children first when they grew up she thought right time for me now.
She said she still loved him and always would but she just didn’t want to be part of a marriage anymore and didn’t need to be.
She has no regrets and finds life easier on her own.

They're probably just being mature and considerate by not slagging off their ex in public.

I’m in a very similar position. Hard isn’t it. Wishing you all if the best.

This is what made me have the separation conversation. As my kids got older I was starting to dread just us alone in the house for years, with nothing in common to hold us together. Literally til death. Nope.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts. It has helped me to see that an amicable divorce doesn't mean an amicable marriage.

I already assumed people aren't strictly truthful in their breakup announcements but felt she was quite adamant that it was so amicable I wondered why they were splitting up.

I think regarding the comments about whether I want to model a happy/settled/friendship type relationship to my children with not like a deep all consuming love and I think I would/am. My relationship probably wouldn't make an interesting film but its peaceful, supportive, caring. Not fireworks and not passionate (although intimacy is very present which i suppose means it isnt just a happy flatshare) and there are annoying elements but I definitely wouldn't give it up in case I happened to meet an even greater love. And even if I did, the chances are, it would grow familiar, quieter, frustrating as well?
My kids are with the man i chose 15 years ago and it would take an awful lot (which some people have described and absolutely fair enough to them) for us to walk away and leave a huge amount of instability and confusion in the wake for them

Well of course it would take a lot. It does take a lot. I don’t really know why you think your line of thinking is different, as if divorced people didn’t just dig in and try, before disrupting the lives of the people they love most in the world.

For what it’s worth I do remember thinking a bit along those lines when my friend got divorced ten years ago; cut to now and I think, what the fuck did I know? Life is unexpected 🤷‍♀️ and you don’t know what you’ll be faced with in the future, or the terrible decisions that will be in your hands.

I think it often means at least one party either is having or wants sex outside the marriage. I think it's possible to like and respect someone, to care deeply for them but to have gone off sex with them, and not everyone will want to stay in a marriage on that basis.

Sounds like he took her for granted and she got sick of doing everything.

But by a lot I mean the things I outlined in my op, betrayal, abuse, crime etc not simply that i find some traits annoying or because there is someone out there im more aligned with
Some of the examples given were valid and did fall into those categories (ie emotional abuse). And obviously I really dont know what when on in her marriage but if she still considers him her best friend, there's a lot that is still there between them?