AIBU to wonder why amicable marriages still end in separation?

[Orangeducks]

I follow someone on Instagram who recently announced she was separating from her husband. She said it was very amicable, they remained best friends, they still cared deeply for each other, she was so thankful he was the father of her children and they would remain a family.

Now obviously, i know nothing more than that about the situation. But it got me wondering why if everything was as she posted, still friendly and caring why they would split up. For me, if there had been no betrayal, abuse of any kind or i dont know crime etc. Why would you end something so significant? perhaps they have grown apart but i feel like I wouldnt end a relationship because of that. To so hugely disrupt the children, introduce new partners etc and just not end your life alongside the person you made all the major memories with just because you're different now? Surely you could find a way back to each other or compromise?
Or am I being ridiculous?

My marriage is not perfect (we dont bave tbe same political views and that can be frustrating) but we get on well, want the same things for our family and support each others and I really hope that he's the one with me at the end even if we spend our spare time doing different things etc.

Am i being unreasonable?

I assume they don’t want to have sex any more. Well not with each other at least.

Everybody is different. You know what you think you’d want to do if you fell out of love with your DH. That doesn’t mean everybody would want to live that way.

A lot of what keeps many couples “staying for the children” is stability, financial considerations, childcare, juggling commitments. I suspect if you asked a lot of content “for the children” couples if they’d remain together even if they won the lottery and didn’t have to worry about any of that, it would be a resounding no. This is a well-known and presumably fairly wealthy and successful pair of individuals: they’re going to be pretty confident they can provide their children with stability, two nice homes, a good lifestyle, and two parents who have separated before resentment set in and are able to co-parent well.

My divorce is very amicable.

He met someone else. I suppose I could have stayed upset and angry about that for a long time, maybe for the rest of my life but I decided very early on not to. I had seen the way it changed a good friend. Life it too short, we are adults, he's a great father to our kids.

Both of us are in very nice relationships with new people now.

I am very glad to see this happening more.

Agree!!

Because of sex.

I once was in a taxi, and my friend was sobbing profusely about the end of a relationship. The taxi driver said sagely with a sigh, ‘The whole world would be better off if we weren’t all obsessed with sex. Then we’d all stay with the people who are good for us.’

Even back then with my youthful mind I remember thinking he had a very good point.

The many couples I know who stay for the kids hate each other! The thinly veiled contempt at parties is something to behold.

I don’t think my marriage failed; I feel like we completed it. We had 20 years, most of which were good, then we chose to end it with simplicity and no drama and still maintain that now.

Would the kids have chosen otherwise? Probably most kids would, yeah, and I’m sad about that for them. But ultimately, they have their whole lives to live; I couldn’t live the second half of mine in abject misery.

I agree. I don't think much of the 'everyone deserves to be happy' argument because those people kid themselves that the children are happy. Most children feel unsettled having to shuffle between two homes, having to accommodate new adult partners or step parents with different rules, tastes, humour, having to squash in with step siblings.

Gosh I could have written this post word for word. I’m not sure if that makes me feel extra sad, or relieved that I’m not alone. I don’t think my DH wants to be with me, but he also won’t be the one to break things off as he won’t be the ‘bad’ one.

A lot of the time I tell myself that at least things are civil, he’s a brilliant dad, so maybe I should just be grateful for that

Why the 2(!!!)? Never judge anyone until you're in their shoes. I separated from & divorced my ex-H when my DC were 2 & 4. It was BECAUSE of them that I did it. Like many others here, I wanted them to have a happy childhood & if we had stayed together it would not have been so.

He was & is a great father, & a good person, but we were & are very different people. I had changed through motherhood, & was less accepting of 'okay'. Many years later it's clear he's ND, & that had much to do with it. We have always worked really hard at giving our boys a brilliant childhood, have supported each other, communicated well, & are firm friends: I can rely on him for anything & vice versa. He's very much still a part of my wider family too.

I have a partner & DS3 & we all get on very well- we've even been on breaks together. Almost 18 years later we were all at DS1's graduation recently; it was emotional as we reflected on how well we have done as we looked on 2 happy boys that we have ALL brought up.

I think it’s great that social expectations have changed and people can split up for whatever reason they want. You get one life. You don’t have to stay with one person forever, unless you want to. I wish my parents had divorced!

Doesn’t amicable just mean we respect one another to be able to communicate well? That doesn’t say anything about the quality of the relationship or the issues making them incompatible as a couple. But of course people announcing things like this on Instagram are going to say things like this! Do you expect her to write ‘thank fuck, I have now got rid of that dead beat arsehole and I’m free to live my life yippeee!’?!

Id say that maybe when they say amicalbe they mean. Tolerable. Divorce when their is wealth is possibly much less stressful.

Because there’s more to life that staying married to someone you no longer find attractive, don’t have sex with, zero affection, very little fun etc. People get bored and want some fun and chemistry as is their right.

All celebs seem to say that. They are friends. They will co parent together etc

reality she prob hates his guts but can’t say that publicly

Because I don't understand why you would have children in a relationship which you clearly intend to leave. I'm sure there are a small number of exceptions where children are relatively unaffected by divorce but in the vast majority of "the kids are fine, I divorced for them" situations I think people are not being honest with themselves. If parents really are amicable, great friend etc kids are better growing up with both parents in one home. My kids have one home, my step kids have spent virtually their entire childhoods with a bag packed, saying goodbye to one parent or the other, commuting between homes, navigating a vulnerable single mum in one and a step mum in the other. I would be so depressed if that was my daughters' childhood.

I don't stop mattering just because I've had children. Their needs don't always automatically trump mine. I didn't plan to get divorced but I certainly am not going to waste the next 60 years of my life married to someone I don't want to be with. I am allowed to put myself first as is anyone who wants a divorce. I will do my best to get the kids through this process, and then when they are adults they can make their own decisions on their lives.

I'm not sure if you're referring to your DH's ex or me? I certainly didn't have children in a relationship I was intending to leave! I was married & in love & it was very much our plan for life to be happy. But life often doesn't pan out the way we plan. It became very obvious after 2 children that we were very different people with different parenting styles & attitudes to life. In short, we drove each other insane & we had started to argue & chip away at who we were. If we had stayed together we would have ended up hating each other.

It was far better to separate well & prioritise our boys. They certainly fared better as I was happier, & ex-H too. He was here a LOT, & there was no resentment from them as I think they were so young they got used to having 2 homes quite easily. It also made them independent, as they would travel across the city from age 12. Their dad's house is still far more laissez-faire than mine, but that's good, they see different ways of living. They also see 3 adults working together for their good.

I should get ex-DH to reply, he's here in the garden getting shown how to build an outside shower by my DP- both outdoorsy & have loads in common.

It's not all Eastenders with divorce, you know.

You don’t think it’s possible to feel differently about a person over the course of three years?

They might not be airing dirty laundry? We divorced after my ex husband had done things I felt I couldn't stay together over, but we are friends, friendly etc. Get on better now than ever. But we could never have stayed together/got back together.

My marriage wasn't happy but we both, above all, wanted our child to be happy. We waited until they were off to university and then had a very amicable divorce. We can socialise together happily as a family. It doesn't mean the marriage was good!!

Doesn't sound like a small thing at all. In your early 40s you're far too young to resign yourself to such an unhappy situation. The good news is, if your kids are in secondary school you can start planning for a future where your needs take precedence.

It depends. Sometimes 'amicable' divorce just means that you can't stand being forced to put up with living with each other on the day to day, but aren't at each others throats otherwise! 🤣

I had an 'amicable' divorce with no kids or shared assets, and if there had been children we would have remained friendly, but there's no way I would have wanted to be stuck married to him!

We were incompatible by the end because I grew and he didn't.

I think it’s all PR. If I was a celebrity the last thing I’d want is my kids in the future to go on google and find out their daddy was a controlling narcissist or their mummy was a serial cheater. So just say we’re all best friends and a wonderful co=parenting unit blah blah blah and GTFO of there!

my Ex and I probably look like a wonderful couple parenting best friend family in real life although we would never pos that on social media 😂 In reality he was awful to me from day one of pregnancy until we split 5 years later. Awful.

What you're describing is a friendship and while it's great to be good friends, that is not a marriage. Most couples need/want romance and intimacy