Did grandparents who had no help become less willing to help?

[Polishmamaa]

Posting here for traffic but it’s for all those grandparents that are in the “I’ve done my bit / it’s my time” club.

Reading a recent thread got me thinking about whether members of this club ever received help from their own parents when they had their children?

Or if having no help from your own parents led you to feeling like you don’t want to help your children either?

People help their children in different ways and to greater or lesser extents, there’s no real rhyme or reason to this in my experience.

I received absolutely no help from my parents or then ILs however I have willingly done a huge amount of childcare for my own grandchildren.
Having said that I will shortly be 70 and am starting to wind down a bit .

My mum and dad had no help, their parents were long distance or too old and ill.

My mum and dad have been the most helpful grandparents anyone could ask for.

I saw recently its sometimes the people that struggled the hardest, that have the least empathy.

Their attitude is "well I did it and survived, you can too!"

Mostly though, I think grandparents like this just never really enjoyed parenting or the company of children.

My mum's parents lived overseas so she got no help from them. She was the kindest most wonderful grandparent to my DC though. I've told my adult dc that I won't be doing as much for them if they have kids. I'll help of course, but I don't plan on providing regular childcare.

I don't think it is useful to generalise. Families operate in all kinds of different ways.

Disagree. Sometimes those who struggle the most don’t want someone to go through want they went through so do what they can to assist with their learned experience.

We’ve had no help whatsoever, but can’t wait to be GP’s and will gladly help practically, financially, whatever is needed. We’ve enjoyed being parents though and I’m not so sure that our parents did, maybe that’s why!!

I’ve seen posts where the posters remember spending entire summers with their grandparents, yet their parents do not offer any help. In my experience it depends on the individuals and their priorities/ relationships.

I think with most women having children at an older age, grandparents are older too and flipping tired! I had my kids young and my parents were still late 40s/early 50s and they did a lot with my children. I think it's much harder in your 60s or 70s to look after young children, it's bloody knackering! I'm 55 and no grandchildren yet but hoping I won't be too old by the time I do have some!

My parents had no interest in helping me. I will help my children and their children, with what they need or ask, to the best of my ability.

My parents had no help and are absolutely amazing grandparents, really keen to help and very supportive.

My own parents had zero help and are determined to be hands on grandparents because of it. I have a DS age 2 and they've been amazing.

I find the opposite- those who had the least help themselves are the ones who offer most to their children. And those who had a ton of help don’t seem to realise how important it was and don’t think to offer their kids the same.

My parents claim they had no help and they didn’t have much but we definitely used to spend a week away at our grandparents every summer. I’d bloody kill for a week or even a day, off from my very intense child!

I had no help, neither did my own parents.

I don't have GC yet but my health is indifferent and my DC, all in their 30s, live too far away (several hours drive) for me to be of practical child care help if they do ever have children. I would expect them to consider this before they made the decision to become parents.

YABU.

Each family is different.

My parents had very little help with childcare (their parents lived abroad) and it made them determined to help however they can, partly because they recall how hard it was. Culture may be relevant too though - my family are Indian so it is normal for grandparents to be very involved in helping with childcare.

Actually, I’m not sure about a whole week, I wouldn’t want to give up that much of the precious holiday time but a day or two would be utter bliss!

My parents didn’t receive any help and nor did I. However all relationships between DGC and DGP’s have been very good.

By the time I get to retire at 67/68, I will have been working for 50+ years and will be knackered. I don't want to be swapping one job for another. My mum, on the other hand gave up work upon having children, only worked about 10 years in her life, and had literally decades of not working nor providing any kind of care before she helped me out 1 day a week with childcare so I could get back to work. The situations aren't really comparable. Whilst I hope I will be close to future grandchildren, and spend time with them weekends and holidays etc, the capacity I'm going to have to help out day to day will be far less than my Mum had.

From what i see, theres no universal pattern but:

• grandparents (women especially) will often be less willing to commit to regular childcare if they worked full time to retirement age themselves
• younger grandparents tend to be more willing to take sole charge of young grandkids

My mum does the odd favour here or there, less than once a month. She'd always help out if I asked and she was available but there's no regular childcare commitment and I don't expect it either.

I expect to be the same when/if I have grandchildren, I don't want to be tied down to a regular arrangement but I'll do days out or babysitting for them to a date night now and again.

Aren’t younger grandparents more likely to still be working?

I had no help as I lived 300 miles away...my older siblings did. My parents retired at 58 and did a lot of childcare.
I won't have gc but in my late 60s wouldn't relish childcare. Dh has gc but doesn't look after them.