Did grandparents who had no help become less willing to help?

[Polishmamaa]

Posting here for traffic but it’s for all those grandparents that are in the “I’ve done my bit / it’s my time” club.

Reading a recent thread got me thinking about whether members of this club ever received help from their own parents when they had their children?

Or if having no help from your own parents led you to feeling like you don’t want to help your children either?

My parents and my in laws both had no help when children were young. Both sets are super helpful now, really go above and beyond for our girls. When the nursery place fell through for DD1, both grandma's cut their working hours and did 2 days each - we didnt ask them to, they offered. We are extremely lucky. It's helped us out financially as less childcare to pay for, bit more than anything I love the close bond my girls have with their grandparents

So now they will have a lower income and a lower pension but you will be alright as you have free childcare so you can earn as much as you want for the child you chose to have. Is it the first grandchild, do you or your partner have siblings what happens when they have kids. Of course they have a close bond their raising them.

My mum and dad had quite a lot of help from my mum’s parents, they lived with them for the first three years of my life, my grandad used to feed, change and dress me every morning before he went to work so my mum and dad could have a lie in, my nan looked after us every school holiday and when she was too old and unwell to carry on my cousin did it instead.

My parents have retired much much earlier than my nan and grandad and are younger than they were when they were helping to look after me and my brother, but they’ve refused to offer any regular help at all to our child and my brother’s. They said they don’t want to commit to anything regular as it “ties them down”, I’m not really sure what a few hours a week would prevent them from doing as it’s not like they have hobbies or travel frequently etc, but while its disappointing, it’s their choice, I haven’t pushed or challenged it at all as I wouldn’t want anyone to look after or spend time with my son if they don’t actually want to.

One of the grandparents in our family, who does loads, lived in a different country to her parents and in-laws, so had no help at all.

And some grandparents who had lots of help don't bother at all.

Other things like health issues/having to work FT which was less common for grandmothers in the past, are other factors, and sometimes when they say they've done their bit, you don't know if it's health issues/can't afford to give up work, but they don't want to say that.

Some say it's much harder now, because in the 90s, they didn't have to worry so much about "parenting"; kids were expected to be out the house playing, and their was little chance of helicopter parenting.

My parents and DH parents had no help from their parents and offer us no help with our DS.

They very much have the view that if they had to cope with no support then there’s no reason why we shouldn’t either.

We have had to reduce working hours and change jobs to ensure flexibility to look after DS during school holidays. The suggestion that they could help even for 1 day during the holidays is not even entertained by them.

This is true for my mother she is part of the "I never had help" brigade.

Exactly, my parents help my brother and his wife with childcare, nothing is too much. I get no help at all. I’m sure my parents have their reasons, but I'm certainly not party to what they are.

I became a grandmother at 37 and I have 3 grandchildren and 2 step grandchildren. I very rarely babysit as I've done my time with children and I love my free time. As soon as the kids whinge for the smallest reason in my head I'm thinking "fuck this".

Define 'help'

It depends on circumstances surely. Someone may well have had help from their parents, and this might not impact on whether they help themselves. Someone might be considerably younger than their own grandparents were when they were small, and therefore still be at work. Grandparents years ago may have been retired and have more free time. The grandparents may be considerably older and not able to help due to their own health.

My mum 'helped' me with childcare. I was a single parent, with no contact with the father, so needed the support. My mum only worked a few part time hours and was never one to socialise so had the free time and enjoyed doing it.

I rarely 'help', but do have my grandson most weekends and take him on 2-3 breaks a year, which vary between 2-10 nights. I also have sleepovers several times a year. Very occasionally I will be asked to have him on a certain day if thet want to go out, but generally speaking the time I have him every week and for holidays is because we want to spend time together, it's not to help anyone.

I am a young grandmother, with a good successful career, and a long way to go before retirement. This obviously also impacts as well

This is us. My parents in law had a lot of help from their parents but combined this with raising latchkey kids. We have no help from them at all - first phrase from mil after sharing pregnancy news was something along the lines of don't be expecting any babysitting. Strange thing to say given that we were not a couple who had asked them for anything previously. They helped considerably with sister in laws child and have not once looked after ours in 3 years. We would not ask- its clear they don't want/like his company or a bond with him unless we are there. I think they helped sil as she needed it, whereas we did not

We had some practical help at one point from one present grandparent. By second child this became limited due to their health.

We are not grandparents but have talked about being able to help our children more when hopefully the time comes. I don’t want to get stuck in endless days of childcare as we do plan to travel but will do some definitely - but we will definitely be there to general running around, helping out with their houses and financially supporting them.

At one point we had no help whatsoever and it’s lonely and demanding. We want to drop off laundry and lasagna, cut the grass to take the pressure off and do school pick ups when we can.

Just thinking our current timescales for retirement will most likely allow for a good chunk of international travel before any grandchildren come along so should be available

sorry that’s a bit rambly

I know every family is different, what do you feel is unreasonable about the question?

🤣🤣🤣 the word club was not intended to come across as being derogatory in any way. I’m sorry it has offended you. I just wasn’t sure how else to word it. How would you have worded it?

I didn't get any help from my parents. It's never occurred to me that I should.
I have provided childcare support for my grandchildren since they were tiny

I watch a lady on tiktok who does skits about how her parents were about helping with the grandkids. They hardly ever babysat, always had an excuse (usually a pathetic one). Would say oh is ur mil not free etc. She is now a very active grandparent and does a lot for her grandkids despite that she got no help with her own kids.
Her own parents had lots of help though with their kids but showed little to no interest in hers. She said the one time they babysat overnight, she had to put the kids to bed first before going out and pick them up at 9am. Other times her mum wld have her coat on waiting at the door so she cld leave as soon as they got home 🙈

We've had no help from either side of the family. My dad you can understand as they live 4 hours away. Although they also did have grandparents help either but also due to moving away when we where quite young.

On the other hand my in-laws have been no help (oh hang on they had the kids once). What frustrated me about that is my MIL had lots of help from her own mum, who did all the childcare before and after school and during the holidays so she could work full time. I now think she just wasn't that interested in children.

I never had grandparents when I was brought up in UK. I was always so envious of school friends who had grandparents involved in their upbringing.
Likewise my children never saw both sets of grandparents because they were all living back in UK.

However since we became grandparents 18 yrs ago, we were more than happy to jump in and help out wherever we could.
Both of us have absolutely loved helping out without being overbearing or domineering.
To us being grandparents to 4 gorgeous kids has been such an amazing gift that has given us some beautiful memories.

We were lucky that we were both retired before we became grandparents so were happy to give as much time as was needed to caring for our grandchildren so their parents could work and study without racking up huge childcare costs.

However I know it’s different for some grandparents who feel they have done the hard yards bringing up their own kids and don’t want to or are unable to be involved in helping out with grandchildren.

I think every family set up is different

my parents were older and have both passed away as have DP’s parents
my sister has in laws and they help her a bit even tho they aren’t in the best of health. Her MIL can’t walk very far but she does her best and her husband is also kind - they will have the kids sometimes but can’t do school runs they’re not very good first thing in the morning etc..

My sister and I were taking about this and the likelihood is that we will both still be working until we are nearly 70!! Our kids will probably have had kids themselves by then and won’t be able to help much as when they’re little we will still be working and when we retire we will be too old and knackered to be of any use whatsoever!!!

if however we’d both had kids younger ourselves and were in a position financially to say retire at 55 - things would be very different.

my friends mum retired at 60 and told my friend to cancel the school wraparound care as she wanted to take her grandkids to school and every day and pick them up to give her purpose and she’s absolutely fab and she’s helped me a couple of times too if the childminder has been poorly, or once she had to go to a funeral and a hospital appointment but she is young enough and well enough to be able to do this.

I do not think the one follows the other - it is individual. The main thing that has changed IMO is that many parents seem to have the expectation that their parents might help - this certainly was not the case when mine were little. It never entered our heads that anyone other than ourselves might take responsibility for making sure our children were cared for. Our babies, our responsibility.

I received no help at all from either set of GPs - but I have been enjoying having a role in looking after my GC. However, my AC did not have the expectation that I would do it and would happily have accepted a refusal. But they knew I would love it of course!

😂😂😂😂

My mil said this to me yet she would leave her boys overnight with her mil every weekend. My mum had no help but helps my sister 3x a week.

Mine are little yet but should they have children I do not wish to be relied upon for regular childcare and even then I don't think I would want to do more than a day for each of my children. I'd rather do adhoc days like in an emergency or for special dates. I chose to have my children and I make sacrifices for them as they will need to do for their own children. I am a working parent. We are British asian and attitudes are changing.

I had no help. 5 children. My mum didnt babysit and my husbands mum wasnt in our lives. I wasnt willing to let strangers babysit. So we went out separately until the children were old enough to stay at home themselves.
Im now a grandmother. And I help as much as I can. Im 46 and working part time. So I am enjoying life going out etc, as I didnt for a long time. But if my daughter asks me to have my granddaughter, I do. I have her through the day aswell so my daughter can sleep. Or just spend time with her partner without a child there. Or even just go shopping. I probably have my granddaughter overnight at least once a month, and twice ive had her for the weekend while the parents go away. I help and support as much as I can, as I didnt have that and its hard.
Also my nan and grandad had me and my siblings (was 5 of us) while my mum worked, and at weekends sometimes. And was older then than my mum is now.

My grandparents were like second parents to me; I spent a lot of time with them. My mother has near zero involvement with my DC.

I had zero help from anyone but then I didn’t expect it. I’ve helped with child care where I’ve been able to.

I don't remember my grandparents ever watching me for my siblings probably because they were too old and live too far away

My mother watched my children a little bit but she had never worked outside of the home so she had plenty of time to do it

The few times I watch my grandchildren I was horribly taken advantage of plus I am still working full time

I think that is a huge difference a lot grandparents are still working

And I think we are talking about the grandmothers here because there are no expectations on grandfathers to do endless caring and child care