Did grandparents who had no help become less willing to help?

[Polishmamaa]

Posting here for traffic but it’s for all those grandparents that are in the “I’ve done my bit / it’s my time” club.

Reading a recent thread got me thinking about whether members of this club ever received help from their own parents when they had their children?

Or if having no help from your own parents led you to feeling like you don’t want to help your children either?

I was a young parent, and have raised a very challenging child to adulthood. I absolutely will not be raising or playing a part in raising his future children. I truly don’t know how I survived the 18 years I did, I’m not repeating any part of it.

I also have a teenage daughter. I can’t imagine being hands on childcare for her either, but I suspect my husband will become granddaddy daycare willingly so I’ll get swept up in it when the time comes.

My parents were extremely helpful with child 1 - but they raised only one extremely compliant easy child (me, I genuinely didn’t put a foot wrong as a kid, I was extremely anxious so just did exactly what was expected of me at all times), so I think they just had a lot of spoons. With child 2, we had no help but she had a lovely relationship with her grandparents. Again, they are as burned out as me and nobody was up for round 2.

My mom had help she chose not to help me she kicked me out at 18 let my sister stay longer so I assume if she had children my mom would have helped her but me? Nope her sisters had to talk to her more than once about treating me less than strangers she has no relationship with her own grandchildren

My dad helped as much as he could

My parents palmed us off on whichever other adults they could find at any given moment. My DGM gave up work to look after us and my Aunt had us very regularly and sometimes for extended periods of times. Do my DP help with my kids? Absolutely not, they barely even acknowledge their existence.

I’m convinced it skips a generation and children who were loved and cared for by grandparents grow up to be ones who recreate that relationship themselves.

Dh and I grew up in the 80s/90s being very well cared for by our grandparents. I was with my grandparents 8-6 5 or 6 days a week until I started school. I stayed some weekends too. Then they did all the school runs and had me til 6 ish every night and all sick days and school holidays until I was 12. Dh also spent a lot of time with his as well. Those were really happy days for both of us. My grandparents were like parents to me. They took me on holidays and days out and we had sleepovers.

My mum and MIL (both our dads died before we had dc) have never provided any regular childcare. Never watched ours during school holidays. Never had a sleepover or taken them on a day out or on holiday. My youngest (8) has never been to MIL’s house. Neither of them have ever been to my mum’s. Eldest is a teen. At most, they have watched them at ours for a few hours or overnight, but I can count those times on probably one hand. The only interaction they have is granny coming for lunch or meeting granny at a NT for a dog walk and cake every few months. She doesn’t really do anything one to one with them.

I, however, cannot wait for grandchildren one day. I will absolutely be there providing childcare and taking them on holidays and running around helping during summers. I think dh would say the same. We have both been really present engaged parents (our parents were quite emotionally and physically quite absent, and not dissimilar as grandparents) and I expect it will continue when we are grandparents. Our parents weren’t very happy as parents for lots of reasons and were probably keen to avoid facing those emotions for another round.

My parents and in laws state they had no help, but actually both DH and I stayed at our respective grandparent’s houses every Saturday night. We would love to have this amount of ‘no help’. We struggle to go out together (maybe twice a year) as neither side are particularly interested. Children are now young teens.

We are used to it now but it still occasionally stings.

That's probably just it. If their parents palmed them off on the grandparents for the entire summer, maybe they didn't enjoy being parents...so won't want to do a lot of care for their grandkids!!
I know someone who sent her kids to her parents for the summer but she doesn't do the same for her grandchildren!

My parents had no help and they would help me any time any place, unfortunately they live half the world away but we see them often considering.

My in-laws had plenty of help but they did nothing for me, they refused to look after them the one time my husband asked. They were very fit and well and lived half hour away.

I like to think I'll be like my own parents.

‘club’ is a very disparaging word. Are you in the ‘expecting help for my life choices club’? 🙄

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. You see it as a “job”. But not everyone sees it that way.

My parents had LOADS of help from their parents and while being kind and loving grandparents, were very much of the "we're there to be visited" mindset rather than wanting to provide any practical help when my kids were small. They did help in an emergency though.

My parents had lots of support from my mum’s grandparents, both financial and childcare. However, they’ve offered little support to me and are distant with the grandchildren.

Ultimately, I don’t think my mum particularly enjoyed being a parent so it shouldn’t really be a surprise to me that she doesn’t relish being a gc.

My parents had no help and gave no help in any way once their children reached 18. But I don’t think any of my grandparents or parents actually enjoyed parenting so not surprising that they didn’t want to deal with grandchildren.

My in-laws had loads of help, hands on and cash. My parents had Basically loads of help.

My in-laws are no help. Any baby sitting would very much be in case of emergency.

My mum would move in if I let her 😅

I got no help. That’s why I help, because I want daughter not to have it too hard, as I did
Also I love having dgc, I am 69 lol
i also help with money for same reason

I genuinely don't see how anyone has time to be regular childcare for grandchildren. Do you quit your job, use your only day or 2 off doing childcare but then when do you see friends, clean house do things for yourself. When i have grandchildren I will be emergency childcare and visit regularly but I can't quit my job to raise someone else's children.

In my experience, my own mum was very much of that mindset that she struggled so I should too.
I certainly did not have a village. I had very little support with babysitting and pretty much didn't get a break until they started nursery (things like hair appointments, I either had to take a grizzly baby with me or find a mobile hairdresser to have it done at home)

It has made me the opposite: I am very aware of how demanding parenting alone is and will make sure to be a helpful and hands-on fun grandparent, when the time comes. Also recognising the importance of giving parents a break to allow them date nights etc...me and my husband didn't get that; we were both frazzled and our relationship suffered.

Parenting is hard and I don't think being around your kids 24/7 without support is healthy for anyone. Especially when a toddler is challenging or a baby has colic.

If i lived half way across the world I would also tell my children how helpful I would be if I lived closer

I spent half the week at my grandma’s consistently growing up. My mum hasn’t been interested in offering support whilst I’ve been raising my (nearly adult) children. For a number of reasons, I’ve struggled a lot over the years. Knowing how hard it’s been at times and how alone I’ve felt has given me the resolve that I will never leave my own children to struggle if there is any way I can support them. I’ve come to the conclusion my own parents had children because it was expected of them, rather than they actively wanted the responsibility.

I think that your own experiences colour your expectations. My parents didn't have any help from family (or anyone else come to that) so I was never looked after by extended family members as a child. Hence I never expected that kind of input when I had my children, and my DD doesn't expect it now. Obviously I'd help in an emergency and for one off occasions, such as DD and her husband are invited to a childfree wedding next month. But I don't see it as my role to be involved on a day to day basis, and DD has never asked me to be. It's not a "well nobody helped me so tough, I'm not helping you" kind of thing, it's more that we just don't see it as the norm, if that makes sense?

The nearest I lived to my mother was 3.5 hours drive. She loves my dc dearly but no regular help. No we won’t be providing daily help either. Perhaps you have a point but I think the issue with today’s parents is they expect very regular help rather than the occasional weekend or help in emergency (willing to do these) and people want to dictate to the grandparents how to look after the dc - if that happens my services will be withdrawn entirely. No grandkids yet but have adult dc

I think grandparent input depends on loads of things tbh, proximity to grandchildren, whether they're working still or not, health, relationship with their children. My parents had a lot of family support and input, but we lived around the corner from one set of grandparents so had daily after school care for example and had cousins on the other side the same age so could split summer holidays between aunts/uncles. I have limited family support, we aren't local to any grandparents for various reasons but both sets do adhoc support at times for example when I had my 2nd DC my mum stayed to help as I had a protracted hospital stay.

I don’t think my mum enjoyed parenting or the company of young children. That’s why me and my brother spent so much time growing up having days out, holidays etc with our GP as well so it was more enjoyable for them and they could have help/adult company. My mum would only ever babysit my DC when asked, they were passed back at the earliest opportunity and she never ever had a single day out or holiday with us or sleepover in 13 years.

Can only speak from my own experience. But I think those that always have their children with the GP dont really want to be parents and then do not offer to their own children. My DM was a rubbish mother and I lived with my GP in essence. She has never even met my DC. My inlaws had little help really the odd week in the summer but then my MIL was a SAHM... she only offers help to her daughter which is fine because our DC know her so little they call her by her first name now when she blesses us with her presence every year or so! I on the other hand love being a mother and we have never even had a baby sitter or childcare we see these years as being dedicated to our DC - which I am aware is the other extreme!

It will bite them on the bum (not the fact that they didnt provide baby sitting or childcare, as we didn't want or need it anyway) but just their lack of involvement or care for our DC. bevause I certainly will be paying that back to them in their older years - enjoy the nursing home!

Well yes, providing regular childcare for someone else is a job. I don't have grandchildren yet, so maybe my view will change when I do. But after 50+ years of endless work and barely a minute to myself, I think I'll want freedom to actually look after myself finally.

I do anticipate enjoying weekends with grandchildren, holidays and ad hoc babysitting and days out etc. I'd support where I could. I wouldn't want to not be involved with grandchildren, just not expected to put my life on hold again and provide regular childcare.

My parents had no help. I (single mum to five) had no help. I only have one DGC and I'm available for babysitting/occasional childcare in emergencies but I am mid 60s, knackered and still working a WFH job which is set to continue, hopefully, until I drop from my perch. DGC is still very little so I'm not required as yet, but I've already said I'm not doing regular childcare. Love them all to bits but I've done my time.