Did grandparents who had no help become less willing to help?

[Polishmamaa]

Posting here for traffic but it’s for all those grandparents that are in the “I’ve done my bit / it’s my time” club.

Reading a recent thread got me thinking about whether members of this club ever received help from their own parents when they had their children?

Or if having no help from your own parents led you to feeling like you don’t want to help your children either?

We had very little help from my parents either childcare or monetary and absolutely nothing from in-laws. My husband and I now spend most of our retirement caring for my 94 year old father we also love looking after our 2 grandsons.

DH is an only child, my brother lives abroad. So our girls are the only grand children on both sides.

We had arranged a nursery place as we didn't expect them to help out, but when my daughter sustained 2 injuries due to the nurseries negligence during her settling period, my mum called me and said she was cutting her hours as 'no grandchild of mine is going back to that place', to give us time to find an alternative nursery, which we did. My Dad was a very high earner, my parents are definitely not struggling financially! And we more than covered any financial loss by my in laws.

Very much sounds like my parents years ago.

I was often palmed off at the weekend to stay with grandparents as they had hobbies they wanted to pursue but my brother stayed home (alone) as they didn’t want us both!

My own parents big bugger all for their own grandchildren, my two or my brothers two.
The result is they have no close relationships with any of them.

I notice my mother is very envious of other people who have a close bond to their grandchildren but she just couldn’t be bothered when they were young.

Funny how she fully expects us both to run her about as a free taxi service having done very little for anyone else. I occasionally withdraw my services as a quiet protest when I feel particularly resentful but she’s unbelievably thick skinned!

My mum says that in her day, parents/grandparents either gave practical help with kids etc, money, or a bit of both.

She/they have done a bit of both for us. More practical help for me, more money for my siblings.

What " help" are you talking about

I had lots of help of both my parents & my maternal grandparents and I now do the same for my daughter and have my granddaughter on a regular basis; not because I have to but because I want to.

I think it depends if parents or grandparents really want that time or at least that’s always been the case in my family. No one has ever asked or expected it. We all do/did it because we want to help as much as possible and spend time with the grandkids.

My mother had bags of help from
my grandmother and has never helped me!

My parents completely deny they had any help yet I can remember spending most half terms and summer holidays living between both grannies' houses (apparently me and my siblings are imagining that). My parents could prosper on one modest wage so didn't need to worry about school runs or sick days because mum stayed home (I fully appreciate she was very unhappy with being trapped like this but childcare provision was not the issue).

I've been a single parent since before the DC were born and have worked full time up to birth and back within 2 months (self employed) but I got the whole spiel about them being MY child, not THEIRS and to not expect anything. They did babysit occasionally but always had to be me doing all the drop offs and pick ups, planned well in advance and could be (and more than 50% of the time WOULD be) cancelled with under 10 second's notice.

I do as much as I can for my child and, if I am unable to help for a legit reason, I explain and empathise, not give a lecture about how it's their bloody kid and they should plan better.

Life's hard and we all know this...I don't know why my parents absolutely LOVED watching me 'learn life lessons' by struggling and failing - particularly when it's 'lessons' they never had to learn. Fucking sadists.

My parents had very little help (although did have some) and consequently offer very little help to us. My DM totally has an attitude of “well I survived so you will have to too”. It has slightly ruined our relationship now that I have kids and am working full time. I’m always juggling, sometimes struggling. She just watches and makes the odd smug comment. I find it so bizarre and hurtful. I will not be like this when I am older!!